| Author | Message | ||
     Newfie_buell |
CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL WARNING Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles: Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember). Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy. | ||
| Newfie_buell |
A redneck family was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an>elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma | ||
| Phonemanjustin |
Bin Laden's Choice One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden. The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go." | ||
| Ezblast |
The Traveling Sales Man! Joe was a traveling salesman with a route through Texas - so out in the middle of the desert sits this bar - he's new to the route yet figures this is a good place to cool off in - goes in straight to the bar - orders a beer - turns around and sees a horse in the corner by the door. He looks closer and sees a hat full of money in front of the horse and finally notices that the horse is sobbing. Joe turns to the bartender and asks 'whats with the hat full of money and the crying horse?" the bartender replies "if you can stop the horse from crying without physically harming or molesting the horse in any way - you can win the money in the hat - but first you have to put a hundred in the hat!" Joe smiles, walks up to the horse and hat, drops a hundred in the hat, walks over to the horses ear and starts wispering...in a few seconds the horse bursts out laughing and Joe scoops the money out of the hat, thrusts it into his pocket, nods to the bartender and heads for the door...months go by and Joe again finds himself going by that bar in the desert and decides he'd stop in and get another beer. He walks in and see the horse still laughing and a hat full of money in front of it - so he goes to the bar orders a beer and asks " Whats with the laughing horse and the hat full of money?" The bartender replies "Well if you can get that horse to stop laughing you'll win all the money in the hat! - But you got to throw a hundred into the hat to play!" Joe replies - "Can I lead the horse to that back dark corner?" The bartender says "I don't see why not? But you can't touch him!" Joe replies "No problem!" He leads the horse over to the dark corner and with the horse - turns - facing him blocking the patrons view of joe for 15 sec.s and joe then leads the horse back crying! Stopping to pick up the money the bartender interrupts his passage out with a question "Hey weren't you the guy that won last time?" "Yup" Joe replies. "So what did you do to win both times?" - the bartender asks - Joe replies "The first time I whispered to the horse that I was hung better than him!" "And the second time?" the bartender asks - Joe smiled as he walked out the door replying "The second time I showed him!" GT - JBOTDS! EZ  edited by ezblast on September 23, 2003 | ||
| Jst |
Finally, the guys side of the story. I We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. | ||
| Darthane |
A woman comes into her job in the morning at a sperm bank. Not fifteen minutes later a man in a ski-mask comes running in waving a gun, screaming at her to open the vault. "But, sir," she says, this isn't a money bank, it's a sperm bank!" "Just do it!" he yells, pointing the gun at her. She goes to the vault and opens it. "Take one of those vials out and drink it!" "But-!" "NOW, or I'll shoot you!" So she does. "Another one!" he demands, pressing the gun to her head. "But, sir!" "DO IT!" So she drinks another. The man pulls off his ski-mask, and it's her husband. "See? That wasn't so hard, now, was it?" | ||
| Newfie_buell |
This is funny, Damm I needed a laugh this morning. | ||
| Buckinfubba |
BUBBA! oh my side hurts ouch The laughter is killing me. hey if you can't laugh at yourself...your day is done | ||
| Ezblast |
I'm not the only twisted SOB in SF - heres a link that could keep you laughing for hours! http://www.bayarearidersforum.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=11 Have Fun! GT - JBOTDS! EZ | ||
| Hootowl |
A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a beer and a mop. | ||
| Ara |
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the boy what he had. The boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The boy replied, "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle." | ||
| Libnosis |
It is important to find a woman who works hard at home, cooks, cleans and has a good job. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you. It is VERY important that these four women don't know each other. | ||
| Iamike |
Why did the chicken cross the road? . . . . . . To show the racoon that it could be done. | ||
| Ray_maines |
Opossum | ||
| Ray_maines |
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog? | ||
| Steveford |
Which came first: the chicken or the egg? It all depends on which one you're rubbing. | ||
| Crusty |
Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Obviously the egg. We have eggs for breakfast, and chicken for dinner; and breakfast is the first meal of the day. | ||
| Hans |
Lady "Oh doctor, even water makes me fat" Doctor: "Give me the recipe of that water: It will make a whole continent happy." | ||
| Iamike |
I should have put brackets around 'chicken' and had you insert your local species, armadillo, porcupine, etc. | ||
| Dynarider |
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| Blackbelt |
Real Meanings of Men's Names (I DIDN'T RESEARCH THESE) Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff. Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, well hung but very caring. Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons. Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women. Alex - cute and short but a liar and a cheat. Amir - Dirty, Smelly, Pecker is minuscule. Andy - boring and has a small pecker. Andrew - gay and still has a small pecker. Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed. Arnold - loser. Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate. Barry - lights fires, pinches girls bottoms and is well hung. Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games. Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands. Brad - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't. Brandon - good looking but uses girls. Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time. Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him. Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah he's just a naughty boy. Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell. Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name. Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce. Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week. Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini. Cameron - Australian Carl - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex. Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive. Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies no real person has that name. Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together. Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too. Christian - very sexy and seductive (think 'Legends of the Fall'). Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'. Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial. Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around. Con - lies to women and blows up public buildings. Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines. Craig - tries to fit in - he never does. Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way. Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics. Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid. Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice. Darren - charming , but sleeps with men. Daryl - smells bad, has no real mates David - total wanker - hated by all. Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter - i.e. a wanker. Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick. Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot. Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection. Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please. Don - dickhead. Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts. Drew - bad-arse losers who never shuts up. Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing. Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name. Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole. Emrys - Load mouth gobby Shitte. Elliott - Full of himself Eric - shy. Erik - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated. Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient. Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy. Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. Gary - drug addict but willing to share. Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men. Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace. George - barman who drinks more than he serves. Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex Graham - will screw anything Grant - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything. Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself. Guy - Covers his back, has a small dick. Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs. Hathem - smooth, but very manipulative, not to be trusted around young girls. Haydn - tries hard. Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't everybody!). Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him...yeh right!!! Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk. Jamie - Scum of the Earth. James - built like a horse. Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well. Jeff - really ugly. Jerome - gay, but very unhappy. Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is. Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on. Jack - stupid but hot. Always alright. Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection. Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. Joel - arse. John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals. Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit. Jordan - sexy but weird in bed. Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites. Josh - full of himself, fun. Junior - hotty and totally good at football. Justin - aggravating, insecure & jealous. Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up. Kevin - Always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large penis, really nice to women. Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse. Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be. Kim - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea. Kurt - can kick anyone's arse, likes small boys. Ky - see Kain. Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips. Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse. Laurey - short and funny looking. Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit. Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser. Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub. Liam - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs. Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold. Lucas - fat loser that dates other men. Luke - seems to be sweet - Luke Solomons exactly! Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. Marc - Fantasises about pretty lights, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke - Tries to tell everyone Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is, not his great looks, mouthy bastard though. Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is totally sweet. Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse. Mitchell - the ugliest dog and he don't get any. Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb. Nick - HORNY! but really nice - can't get past the missionary position though. Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed. Noel - an absolute diamond, sexy, funny and faultless....apart from when it comes to sorting out contents insurance for his home Oliver - likes men but is in denial. Oscar - loser, a good name for a dog. Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs. Patrick - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in pricks. Paul - drunk, drunk, drunk. Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins. Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool. Rashpal - C@@t Reagen - ...strange. Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long,long time ago. Richard - cant see his feet balls are to big Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates. Rikki - see above. Rob - constantly watches porn. Roy - total loser and computer genius. Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud. Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole. Ryan - short but sexy body and even sexier mind. Sam - wannabe sex machine. Scott - has serious disabilities. Sean - has small testicles and no friends. Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor. Shane - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin. Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world. Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him. Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks. Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on. Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed. Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is. Toby - best blow ever. Tom - cool but can be arrogant. Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found. Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy. Troy - cute and popular. Taylor - gay. Warren - cool, homosexual guy. Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate. Will - wishes he were popular. Zach - sweet and polite and adorable. | ||
| Blackbelt |
AND HERE ARE THE LADIES Ada - Blue haired, smells of wee. Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs Alison - Bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off. Amanda - I.Q. tends to be smaller than bra size. A good shag though. Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted. Andrea - Small breasts, drinks pints. Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually foun hanging around toilets. Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers. Annette - She's BIG. Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive. Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance. Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points. Beryl - Repressed alcoholic. Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp. Bianca - Ginger. Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars. Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society. Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'. Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow. Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears. Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing. Claire - Usually neurotic, gives good head, can have lesbian tendencies. Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA. Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem. Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass. Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm. Daisy - Virgin. Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling. Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck. Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips. Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands. Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up. Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Adds nothing to society. Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage. Doris - Purple haired, stinks of wee. Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths. Elizabeth - Born to rock, hates chickens. Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies. Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker! Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass. Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed. Faith - Legs met at knees, can't shag standing up. Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim. Felicity - She'll stab you with her nipples, plays darts. Fiona - Female mud wrestler, gives head. Francine - French. Gabrielle - French too. Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness. Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks shite all day. Gaynor - Lesbian. Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying. Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing. Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies. Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking. Georgina - Wants to be a man. Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath. Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs. Heather - Shags like a freight train, a screamer. Helen - Hangs around with the wrong crowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn. Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins. Hilary - Frigid. Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister. Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed. Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles. Isabelle - necessary on a bicycle? Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child. Janet - Massive over bite, no neck. Jane - Babe, I'd drink her bath water. Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats. Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up. Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often. Jessica - Virgin, always will be. Joanne - Moans in her sleep, can't cook, moans when she wakes up - I wouldn't! Jordan - Ha ha ha ha ha - nuff said. Judith - Big eyes, big tits Judy - Huge tits, married to an arse. Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes Justine- Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets. Julie - Jabba the Hutt's sister, constantly pregnant. Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit. Kate - see Catherine. Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing. Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig. Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance. Kylie - Can't sing but who cares - BOING !!!!!!! Kym - Illiterate parents - see Kim. Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy. Lara - Action packed, never seen naked. Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive. Lauren - Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night. Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up. Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking. Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men. Linda - Teenage bride, can swallow oranges whole. Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework. Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn. Liz - Long legged and brainey. Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet jellybabies Louise/a - Phwoooorrrrrrrrrr, Boing Boing Boing. Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad. Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors. Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid. Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous. Maria - Bangs like a barn door. Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY. Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear. Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome. Martina - Ugly lesbian. Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits. Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz. Mary - had a little lamb. Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S. Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely. Melissa - Eats dogs, been in prison 6 times for burglary. Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise. Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them. Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag. Marsha - Big butt, small brain. Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have. Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver. Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners. Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune. Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing. Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent. Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial. Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years. Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair. Olive - Oily skin, oils up well. Olivia - Neutron bomb. Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic. Pat - Butt ugly lesbian. Paula - Transvestite merchant banker for Basildon. Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes men to be stiff. Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar. Petra - Dead dog. Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly. Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her cheeks. Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact. Rhonda - Help me, help me. Rosalind - Whahey, nuff said. Maybe 10 years ago. Rose - Can be prickly, good head giver Roseanne - ERRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH. Rula - She measures up well. Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up. Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs. Samantha - Loves her brother, has 4 deformed children. Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged. Sarah - Likes pressed flowers and body piercing. Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills. Shania - What? Sharon - Shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers. Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Wurly whole, likes bananas. Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce. Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff. Sinitta - who? Sonya - Dirty lady of the night. Often referred to as a "carrier" Sophie - Brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset. &Stacey -Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's. Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect. Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues. Sue/Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave. Tanya - Hot minx, too short. Tara - Upper class slapper, needs extra chemicals. Tiffany - who? Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less. Tori - Lives under a hedge, can't water ski. Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear.Loves kittens. Tracey - Lesbian. Ulrika - ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka. Ursula - Likes puppies, in curry. Vicky- Likes Yoga. And Women. Wendy - Possibly a man. Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon. Zandra - Strange appearance, eats guinea pigs dipped in chocolate. | ||
| Cj_xb |
I think you made up the meaning for Adam, and anyways where's the Chris girl name ??? CJ XB | ||
| Jprovo |
Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem. LOL | ||
| Misato |
ahahahaa good one dyna | ||
| Fuscat |
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." | ||
| Dynarider |
ahahahaa good one dyna I thought it was funny  | ||
| Phonemanjustin |
A MOTORCYCLE TOOLS GUIDE Hammer Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Mechanic's Knife Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers. Electric Hand Drill Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. Vice-Grips Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Oxy-Acetylene torch Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell. Whitworth Sockets Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason. Drill Press A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder. Wire Wheel Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!" Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform Ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop. Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4 Used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike (see above). Tweezers A tool for removing wood splinters (see above). Phone Tool for calling your neighbour Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack (see above). "Snap-On" Gasket Scraper Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. Timing Light A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys. Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor. Craftsman 1/2 x 16-Inch Screwdriver A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. Battery Electrolyte Tester A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. Hacksaw One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. Trouble Light The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. Phillips Screwdriver Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. Air Compressor A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off. | ||
| Daves |
Great, I'm a wanker! Ride to the edge! Dave | ||
| Newfie_buell |
CJ, I think Christine is close enough. As for Charlotte why would I not be surprised if she could do that. edited by Newfie_Buell on September 24, 2003 |
