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Americanmadexb
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 01:40 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

I have a few, but one of the best is....

Mitch Hedberg!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03rpltS4GHs
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Ft_bstrd
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 01:55 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

So sorry he's dead. He was genuinely cleaver.
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Danger_dave
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 03:50 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.
Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Rodney Dangerfield

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Hughlysses
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 06:15 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Mitch Hedberg was severely funny.

Of current comedians, I like Brian Regan and Bob Marley, but musician/comdian Tim Wilson is my favorite:

Church League Softball Fist Fight

Church League, Softball, Fist Fight
Gettin washed in the blood on a Tuesday night
What would Jesus do, Lord he wouldn't do that
Knock hell outta the preacher with a softball bat

Well the swinging Sheppard's from the Sheep of the Savoir
were tied with the sourwood church of Christ
An example of some highly unholy behavior
in a game that had already been protested twice
Something unbiblical must have been said
for them to be aiming heat at the minister's head
Clockin the clergy ain't the thing to do
But neither's the high hard one on the 0 and 2


Chorus 2:
Church League, Softball, Fist Fight
A body layin' on the hands 'neath the left field lights
Knockin out four teeth, gettin a busted lip
Aint exactly my idea of Christian Fellowship


Church League, Softball, Fist Fight
Rollin round the pitchers mound it just don't look right
where the nice people from the church and the Sunday school class
To trade a cup of brotherhood for a can of whoop-ass
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Danger_dave
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 06:20 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

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Glitch
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 08:26 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

My favorite...



Brother Dave Gardner
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Cochise
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 09:02 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

I think FT_bstrd said it best, Hedberg is/was a hack.

Regan, Wright, and Robert Schimmel are the best.
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Ducxl
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 09:11 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Who was that guy who used to play a drunk?

Foster Brooks?
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Freezerburn
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 06:43 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

"Sasquatch is blurry..."

RIP Mitch - you were my absolute fave
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Americanmadexb
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 06:46 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

i also love Doug Stanhope!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTOQhPd2Xh4
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Ft_bstrd
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 07:08 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

I think FT_bstrd said it best, Hedberg is/was a hack.




I don't think that's what I said.
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Metalstorm
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 07:11 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Living:

Robin Williams
Dane Cook

Deceased:

Sam Kinison
George Carlin
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Bads1
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 09:02 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Buddy Hackett
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Bigdaddy
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 09:13 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Red Foxx.
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Cochise
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 11:05 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

You said he was a cleaver. Cleaver's hack. : p

Foster Brooks is the man.

"We told my father he had better quit drinking or he would die, sure ebnough, it killed him, he died last week at one hundred and three."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8L-ZZSc8JU
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Americanmadexb
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 11:10 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

that was classic!!
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Ft_bstrd
Posted on Friday, July 11, 2008 - 11:16 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Damned errant A's. My spelling is very cleaver.
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Igneroid
Posted on Saturday, July 12, 2008 - 12:10 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

I like Chris Rock:

Advantages of having a crack dealer in your neighbourhood....At the right time of day, you can buy a VCR for 5 bucks...
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Miamiuly
Posted on Saturday, July 12, 2008 - 09:46 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Love steven wright, chris rock and most others listed here, eddie murphy was good in his day and his brother can tell a hell of a story on the chappelle show.

This was about as funny a bit as I have ever seen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HHhWzse1co
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Blackbelt
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 08:18 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

MITCH FATEL!!!!

Come on, Jeff Dunham is good for a good laugh too,

But a good one I really like is Bobcat Goldthwat
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86129squids
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 09:55 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)



SAM KINISON BABY!!!

Once a Pentecostal preacher, he ended up channeling an entirely different kind of energy in his comedy acts.

Also: John Candy

RIP fellas.
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Doon
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 10:59 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Some of my Favs In no particular order

George Carlin
Robert Schimmel
Steven Wright
Robin Williams
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Swordsman
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 11:12 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

I'm lately a fan of Carlos Mencia. Rude as all get out, but a good bit of truth behind it all.

However, my favorite is probably Gabriel Iglesias. That dude's hilarious, and really down to earth. Seems like he'd be fun to hang with. His bit on offering a cop donuts had me in tears.

~SM
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Americanmadexb
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 03:25 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

AUGGIE SMITH!!!!


http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids. individual&videoid=6769164
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Skinstains
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 04:33 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

how come no-one has mentioned some of the comediens that perform here ?
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Bill0351
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 05:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Andy Kaufman was one of the funniest and strangest comedians I have ever seen. I like the fact that when he was dying of cancer, lots of friends thought it was an elaborate practical joke. I wonder what he would be up to now if he had lived.

Bill
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Scottykrein
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 08:35 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Mr Warmth...... Don Rickles.
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Danger_dave
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 08:46 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

There is a lot of Don's work on the Dean Martin roasts on You Tube now.
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Metalstorm
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 10:28 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Come on, Jeff Dunham is good for a good laugh too,

Oh how I would Love to hang out with him in a toy store.
Can you imagine the kids' reactions when the dolls start talking? LOL

He's a genius! : )
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Eblanche
Posted on Monday, July 14, 2008 - 11:19 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

I saw Bob Saget live once. Very funny and VERY dirty! Needless to saY, I had a hell of a time.
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Badlionsfan
Posted on Tuesday, July 15, 2008 - 05:41 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

I like many of the listed above, so no need to be redundant.

My favorite female comedians are Sara Silverman, Chelsea Handler and Kathleen Madigan.
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Americanmadexb
Posted on Tuesday, July 15, 2008 - 05:42 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Did Someone say Bob Saget?



(Message edited by americanmadexb on July 15, 2008)
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P47b
Posted on Tuesday, July 15, 2008 - 08:17 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Carlos Mancia Is great as well as George Carlin. I have had most of Carlins LP's back in the day.
Right now It's Chinaman.
Why Because you said so.

(Message edited by p47b on July 15, 2008)
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