| Author | Message | ||
     Thumper74 |
Cheater... You're not the only one who watches Big Bang Theory. A neutron saunters up to the bar and orders a drink. “How much?” he asks. The bartender says, “For you, no charge.” A superconductor walks into a abar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.” The superconductor leaves without any resistance. An atom walks into a bar, orders a beer, takes one sip and breaks down in tears. The bartender comes over and says, “Hey pal, what’s the matter?” The atom says, “I think I lost an electron.” Bartender says, “Are you sure?” Atom says, “I’m POSITIVE.” Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t sere noble gases here.” The helium doesn’t react. (Message edited by Thumper74 on February 17, 2012) | ||
| Jramsey |
Catholic Health Care A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law." | ||
| U4euh |
There are less than 10 months until election day when the people will decide who will be the next President of the United States … The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It’s that time that we all need to come together, Democrats and Republicans alike. In a Bi-Partisan effort for America : If you will support the Republican nominee, please drive with your headlights ON during the day. If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights OFF at night. Together, we can make it happen. | ||
| Harleyelf |
To show the true spirit of support.... would you also drive on the left side of the road while your headlights are off? | ||
| Moxnix |
The proper elderly English gentleman awoke one morning with an all-too unusual reminder of lost youth and wonderous days. His footman, Jeeves, noticed, and asked: "Shall I inform madam, Sir?" The old fellow responded "Thank you Jeeves, but just had me my baggy tweeds. I think I'll smuggle this one into town." | ||
| Alfau |
South Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley area , which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic! It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the toilet during the night. The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE | ||
| Sifo |
A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work. | ||
| Sifo |
A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh by the jukebox. He calls over, “Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?” and Van Gogh replies “No, thanks. I’ve got one ‘ere.” | ||
| Sifo |
Infinity mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half of a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The bartender rolls his eyes and pours two beers and says, “Here, you guys work it out.” A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance. A Higgs-Boson walks into a church. The priest says "Higgs-Bosons aren't allowed in here." The Higgs-Boson says, "But without me, how can you have mass?" A parasite walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here." The parasite says "well you're not a very good host." A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve neutrinos in here." The neutrino says "Naw, I was just passing through." | ||
| Sifo |
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the blond calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him! He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady. Why do you let the bartender do it?' 'Duh,' says the blond. 'He has a licker license!' | ||
| Crusty |
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one nutty person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one nutty person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine! | ||
| Kenm123t |
Hmm Some are jealous the voices talk just to you! | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
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| Fahren |
Taliban fast food: Burka King | ||
| 86129squids |
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| Harleyelf |
Trouble is brewing in a tiny South Sea island kingdom. The Prime Minister has stolen the King's ceremonial chair and hidden it in his treehouse. His nephew the Count has warned him not to sit in it, but he can't resist. The King wakes up and is wroth. He runs about the village, smacking the floors of all the treehouses with his ceremonial stick. As he strikes the floor of the Prime Minister's hut, the floor collapses under the weight of the big chair and the man sitting in it. The King and Prime Minister are both killed. The moral of the story is, people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. The new king arrests the nephew of the Prime Minister. He tortures him to reveal the other conspirators. The Count refuses to implicate his fellow plotters. The King loses patience and nods to the Royal Headsman. As the Axe begins to fall toward his neck, the Count has a change of heart. "Wait!", he yells. "I'll talk! I'll tal..." but the poor fellow has lost his head. The moral to this story is, don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. | ||
| Alfau |
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less NOW ............. Enough of that . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrod's and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrod's had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. | ||
| 86129squids |
Alfau, Grumps- OK, those were GREAT, made my day!!! Forwarded to GF and sis. Thanks! | ||
| Just_ziptab |
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ___________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. __________________________________________________ _____ COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. __________________________________________________ ______ JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer __________________________________________________ ___________ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. __________________________________________________ _________ And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, ï¿∏200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) __________________________________________________ _________ Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" __________________________________________________ __________ Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________ PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I have a sneaking suspicion that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the Hellbound Train. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
George Bush having just been elected president goes with his wife to The White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!” Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: “I found out who pissed in your saxophone.” | ||
| Moxnix |
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt form his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world are you doing, Billy Bob?" "Wow, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'." | ||
| Sifo |
Obama goes into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"? Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States . Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check." Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check." "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do." Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?" | ||
| Moxnix |
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| Mr_grumpy |
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably lying under his Pick-up with a spanner in his hand again." | ||
| Sifo |
An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!' 'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!' Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?' 'Am I to count you as a believer?' The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?' 'Very well', said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.' | ||
| Fahren |
I said to my wife with one leg, I said, "Peg,........" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
"Dad, Dad, there's a man at the door with a bill." "Don't be silly son, it must be a duck with a hat on." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
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