| Author | Message | ||
     Blackbelt |
GOOD ONE! That is Tony 50 years from now  | ||
| Ray_maines |
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!" | ||
| Cj_xb |
A business owner in Arkansas was confused about paying invoices minus the early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Arkansas and I need some help. If I were to give you $21,375 minus 12.75% how much would you take off? The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love Arkansas women | ||
| Bomber |
"You can Leave Your Hat On!" gotta love Randy Newman . . . .thanks for the chuckle, CJ | ||
| Road_thing |
...shake 'em... | ||
| Bomber |
I can always count on Thang to watch my six . . . thanks, brother | ||
| Kcfirebolt |
(This one is new to me. LMFAO) Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the Stairs,I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. | ||
| Glitch |
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| Leftcoastal |
A blonde shows up for her dental appt. wearing a large set of headphones. The dentist tells her that he would have to do the procedure with her under anesthesia. She agreed , but told the dentist that he shouldn't remove her earphones while she was unconscious. During the operation, the dentist found that the headset kept getting in the way of the various pieces of equipment, and since she was `out', what could it hurt? He removed the 'phones and kept working. The procedure went much smoother, and it seemed that the patient was much more relaxed, so he proceded to finish up, and started cleaning up. Suddenly he realized something was horribly wrong! The patient was dead!. He was baffled- what happened? He picked up the Headphones and put them on - all he heard was "breathe in"....."breathe out"..... | ||
| Bartimus |
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house. Happy Thanksgiving! | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Ways to Say I Love You English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo French . . . . . . .. . . . . . . Je T'aime German . . . . .. . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Japanese . . . . . . .. . . . . . Ai Shite Ima Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo Chinese .. . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Nin Newfoundland . . . . Nice Arse, Get in the truck(Get on the Bike) | ||
| Spiderman |
Bart I hope to god that that is a True Story. LMAO | ||
| Cj_xb |
Newfie, that's how our Southern rednecks say "I love you" too !!! LMAO Like my ex used to tell me, nice guys finish last, nice girls walk home !! CJ  | ||
| Pushrodpete |
Southern foreplay: "BRACE YERSELF, LINDA LOU !!!!!!!" | ||
| Leftcoastal |
A cannibal goes onto a meat market to do his shopping. "How much for the Missionary meat?" he asks. "$6.50 a pound." he then askes how much for the Worthy Enemy meat and the butcher tells hin it's $8.50 a pound. The cannibal then sees the meat labelled "Biker Meat". When he asks for the price, the butcher tells him "that's $28.50 a pound." The cannibal says "WOW!- why so much?" The butcher replies "Ever try CLEANING one of those S.O.B.'s?" | ||
| Innes |
Hey I got a new car with all that voice controlled stuff which includes the stereo, it's real cool; you say rock and it plays rock, you say soul and it finds a black music station, likewise classical etc. the other day some children ran out in front of me, I braked and shouted " fucking kids" and it played Michael Jackson!!!  | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the estimonials of a few people who did.... I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! | ||
| Crusty |
Newfie, I laughed so hard, I fell out of my chair. I showed this post to my wife, and she's doubled over in hysterics. Thanks, I needed that. | ||
| Blackbelt |
i saw that new cast on re-runs somewhere... THAT WAS F&%KING HILARIOUS | ||
| Sportyeric |
The Blanket A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own f*%king blanket." | ||
| Gusmyster |
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea ? A salad shooter! g u s m y s t e r | ||
| Lornce |
Maybe you need to be British to appreciate this one.... But what the heck, here goes....  A Scotsman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Scotsman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Scotsman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Scotsman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Scotsman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk . Arf arf arf ckn arf...  Lornce | ||
| Spiderman |
Damn Brits Always makin fun of me Scotish friends IIIII you're in fer an arse whoopin.   | ||
| Road_thing |
The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans... You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. Conservative Answer: BANG! Texan's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ... (sounds of reloading). Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?" Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it, too." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?" r-t (ducking and running)  | ||
| Spiderman |
Thats why Texans Kick Ass!! Well except George W  | ||
| Ray_maines |
A guy calls 911 and says "My friend just had a heart attack and I think he's dead, what should I do?" The 911 lady says "Well, first make sure he's really dead.........." After a pause she hears a gun shot. The guy comes back on the line and says "OK, what's next?" | ||
| Cj_xb |
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." | ||
| 1320 |
An old gentleman likes to go to the park and people watch... He's sitting on a park bench checking out the sights when a young fella sits down on the same park bench... The old man can't help but keep stareing at this guy as he is pierced from head to toe..and his hair has about a 10inch spike job that is 14 different shades of colors... Every time the young guy looks over he notices that the old guy is stareing at him and after awhile he gets frustrated and a little upset..He snaps at the old guy "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything wild"? The old guy snaps right back that as a matter of fact he had.."One time I got too drunk and woke up and found out I had sex with a peacock...And I was just wondering if you were my son"? | ||
| Ezblast |
LOL - lifes funny that way! GT - JBOTDS! EZ  | ||
| Innes |
Just a few corrections here & there; Lornce I'm a Brit, & it's Welshmen that shag sheep! Scotsmen prefer Haggis if they can catch them.  Spiderman, thanks for the support, is G W B a Texan? I live in France but it don't make me a frog do it? Roadthing, I got a brit friend coming to visit this weekend who lives in Austin & I'm goin to tell him that one over a large scotch;  I only know one texan joke so here goes, Big John Wayne's in a bar in Texas drinkin Whisky & when he goes out he finds some bastard's stolen his horse! So he stands there & yells "I'm gonna go back in & have another drink & when I come out again my horse had better be there or I'll have to do what I did back in Denver when the same thing happened" Sooo Big John goes back to the bar & has another and sure enough when he comes out there's his horse all nice & groomed & neatly tethered up. Big John hops aboard and ambles off down the street. A small boy comes running up alongside him & says " what happened back in Denver Mr Wayne? " Big John looks down, spits & says " I had to fuckin walk home!"  |
