| Author | Message | ||
     Newblaster |
Cj--About the "40 things never said by southerners": I'm originally from Alabama, and I'd be offended if I could just stop laughing long enough!  | ||
| Cj_xb |
Newblaster, I'm from Arkansas originally !! Lived my whole life there until I moved to Wisconsin a couple of years ago, and I know the "40 things never said by southerners" couldn't be truer (is that a word?) !! But I love Southerners, even those from Alabama, so it wasn't meant to offend us, just fun !! CJ XB  edited by cj xb on September 26, 2003 | ||
| Jst |
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2, but I don't know how you would get them in there. | ||
| Blublak |
OK.. Just saw this.. gave me a grin or four.. http://juliferrante.com/billboards.html | ||
| Jst |
What do you call a man who graduated last in his class in medical school? Doctor. | ||
| Josh_ |
2 ladies in a bar after a long day of work. Drinking for hours. First lady realizes she is plastered, while her friend seems completely sober and asks "I don't get it, how do you hold your liquor?" ... "Usually by the ears." edited by josh_ on September 26, 2003 | ||
| Jst |
Colonoscopies A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: *"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." *"Find Amelia Earhart yet?" *"Can you hear me NOW?" *"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" *"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" *"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." *"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" *"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." *"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" *"If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!" *"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." *"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" *"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, infact, up there?" | ||
| Newblaster |
Cj--Well, since you're also a recovering southerner, that's okay. lol... Seriously, though, I have to stop rereading it, if I laugh out loud again, EVERYONE's going to know I'm not really working. | ||
| Ray_maines |
A termite goes into a bar and asks: Is the bar tender here? | ||
| Cj_xb |
I know newblaster,I read badweb at work and I'm always laughing, and my co-workers wonder why I'm always laughing !! CJ XB | ||
| Mzoomora |
A blonde walks into the doctors office complaining of body pain. So the doctor asks her "Where does it hurt?" She replies "When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch my leg, it hurts. When I touch my stomach, it hurts. It hurts everywhere!" The doctor looks at her and says "Thats because you have a broken finger!" | ||
| Iamike |
Brad- I didn't want to start off with that one, but I thought that's why it's so windy in Iowa. We'll have to get together to talk about Bonneville. Maybe some year I can go out there. | ||
| Gravedigger |
Thought for today There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Thats just too funny.  | ||
| Bluzm2 |
Sound good to me Mike! Are you going to be up this way anytime soon? | ||
| Phonemanjustin |
The Robin Williams' Plan: 1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega,Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys.' We will never "interfere" again. 2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence. 3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them. 4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more foreign cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby. 6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energywise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) 8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we would not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever,for seeds,rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. Now, ain't that a winner of a plan. "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" | ||
| Mzoomora |
Bill Clinton steps off of Air Force One, and is greeted by a secret service agent. The agent notices that Bill is carrying two pigs under his arms, so he asks, "Mr. President, what are the pigs for?" Bill replies, "I got one for Hillary, and one for Chelsea." So the agent says "Sounds like a good trade to me." | ||
| 99x1 |
A guy riding his Buell back from the beach wearing only a helmet and a bathing suit crashes and slides face down for ~100 ft. The ambulance arrives and calls into the hospital - the doctor recommends intravenous saline with electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill. The ambulance attendant, rather astounded, asks:"What good will Viagra do?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his body". (modified sunburn/Viagra joke...) | ||
| Josh_ |
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Border Collie: It specifically takes only one Border Collie to change the light bulb. I will then strategically replace any wiring that's not up to regulation. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light globe! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? St. Bernard: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Irish Setter: Duh, huh? Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...... Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco bulb. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover..... Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.... Greyhound: It isn't moving so who cares? Australian Kelpie: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see any light bulb. Bloodhound: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz German Shepherd: I'll patrol the area and watch the cat while my master changes the light bulb. Shiba: Shiba's do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect my light?? (Yeah, ok I have 2 Shibas) | ||
| Josh_ |
Excerpts from A Dog's Diary Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! | ||
| Cj_xb |
Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up by October 30, 2003 NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants. TOPIC 1 HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS Step by step, with slide presentation. TOPIC 2 THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round table discussion. TOPIC 3 IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group Practice. TOPIC 4 FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. Pictures and explanatory graphics. TOPIC 5 THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on Video. TOPIC 6 LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT. Help line support and support groups. TOPIC 7 LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum. TOPIC 8 HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape. TOPIC 9 REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials. TOPIC 10 IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation. TOPIC 11 LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS. Online classes and role playing. TOPIC 12 HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. TOPIC 13 HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors. | ||
| Libnosis |
At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris, who looks happy and eager. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and he is as fresh as a 25-year old. And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:"You mean I was here already?" | ||
| Ray_maines |
I aught to be posting this anonymously. I'm embarrassed to be posting such trash. But hey........ http://t595.net/cm/messageboard/thread.asp?thread=10842 | ||
| Pilot |
A little old lady wants to join a biker club. She knocks on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club." The guy is amused and tells her that she needs to meet certain biker requirements before she is allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says, "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times." borrowed from brisbane bikers.com | ||
| Pilot |
People who own Italian motorcycles don't really OWN the bikes, they just have the privilege of paying for their upkeep. borrowed from brisbane bikers.com | ||
| Pilot |
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks. borrowed from brisbane bikers.com | ||
| Pilot |
What's the difference between a good ol' huntin' dawg and yer old Harley? The dawg kin get into the pickup truck by hisself! borrowed from brisbanebikers.com | ||
| Dynarider |
Hey now, I trained my X1 to do the same damn thing. | ||
| Pilot |
Father Tim Dempsey was making his rounds, visiting his parishoners by riding his OLD motorcycle to their homes, when his bike suddenly died, and coasted to a stop alongside the road. Father Tim checked the fuel tank, the gas filter, the plugs, but could find nothing wrong. He stepped on the kick start, gave it his best effort, but no joy, the bike didn't fire. Gritting his teeth grimly, Father Tim gave it another valiant try, but again the bike failed to turn over. About that time, a wee lad approached Father Tim and asked what he was doing. "Tryin' to start me bike, my son," the good Father replied, jumping on the crank once more, with no effect. "My pa has an old bike like that," the kid offered. "If you want it to start, you have cuss at it while you're jumping up and down." "Well, I'm a priest and I cannot cuss. Why, it's been so long since I was saved by Jesus, I do not even remember how to cuss," the priest said, smiling at the youth. "Well," the kid said, turning to walk away, "just keep on trying to kick start that pig, and it'll come back to yah!" borrowed from brisbane bikers.com | ||
| Pilot |
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and his wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle. So, "Is your day as bad as you think?" borrowed from brisbane bikers.com |
