| Author | Message | ||
     Mr_grumpy |
MikeJ I think you got away with the Yorkshire gag, Rocket must have been under a Saab!  | ||
| Blackbelt |
are you a lumberjack, and if so, are you ok? | ||
| Blackbelt |
MONTY PYTHON RULES!! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Yes, but DYSLEXIA LURES! | ||
| Cj_xb |
got away with the Yorkshire gag, Rocket must have been under a Saab! Hey mikej, he doesn't let me slide with nothing, how did you manage to get under the radar !!??? CJ  | ||
| Spiderman |
One day at San Francisco City Hall... "Next." Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license." "Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones." "Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers." "Brothers? You can't get married." "Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?" "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!" "Incest?" No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?" "For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects." "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?" "All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?" "We all want to marry each other." "But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples." "Since when are you standing on tradition?" "Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license." "In what names?" "David Deets." "And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself." "Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage." | ||
| Cj_xb |
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records. | ||
| Tripp |
thanks 4 the link hoot! | ||
| Bartimus |
ha ha ha Great stuff CJ! | ||
| Bartimus |
 | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Sorry Bart, you'll have to enlighten us over here, just who the hell is the dame? | ||
| Hootowl |
Mr Grumpy. I envy you. | ||
| Dullorb |
It would be a sin to destroy that innocence. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I shall bow to your superior knowledge & ask no more. | ||
| Naughtynurse |
OMG LMAO!!! | ||
| Smitty |
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”. She asks, “How often do I have to do that?” A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!” | ||
| Newfie_buell |
In keeping with St. Patricks Day A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newf were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newf. "Back home in Sin Jahn's der's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Newfie's claims but he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister a few times." | ||
| Geofg |
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots... "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot." -Geof edited by geofg on March 17, 2004 | ||
| Blackbelt |
Good one Geof.. | ||
| Dasxb9s |
Three entries... one... Who is Irish and hangs out in your back yard? Patty O'Furniture (yes... dumb but it's St Paddies Day) Two... my favorite old comic. Wizard of Id. The people are standing in the courtyard with pitchforks and torches. Rodney tells the king... "Sire, the peasants are revolting!" The King replies... "Yes, they most certainly are!!!" Three... the Knock Knock joke from the movie Catch Me If You Can, is my current favorite! | ||
| Blackbelt |
what was the knock knock joke........i forgot | ||
| Socoken |
Tom Hanks:"Knock knock" Other policemen:"Who's there?" Hanks:"Go fuck yourselves." this after Hanks' fellow officers were giving him shit for being a hardass and never laughing or telling jokes. | ||
| Cj_xb |
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year ... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. | ||
| Cowboy |
I just found out that children are taught. Jesus is not black or white Jesus is not man or woman Do you supose he looks like Michel Jackson???? | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Have you heard about the two Gay Irishman? . . . . . . . . . . Their names are "Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald" | ||
| Wyckedflesh |
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or New York but we're not having any of that crap in Texas." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A Farmer & family are sitting having dinner when his wife says that he'll have to tell the boy about the birds & the bees. The farmer protests that there's no need as the boy's seen all the animals at it on the farm, but his wife insists,so reluctantly he agrees. Next day he's out on the farm with his son & the lad asks what his mum meant about the birds & the bees, the farmer thinks for a moment, then says, "Do you remember those two milkmaids we had in the hayloft last week? because birds & bees do that too!" | ||
| Cj_xb |
You know you're a redneck when... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. You have used a rag for a gas cap. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. | ||
| Glitch |
You know you're a redneck when... Your mother fails to remove the Marlboro cigarette butt from her lips as she tells the State Patrolman to kiss her lily white ass... | ||
| Dullorb |
From Jeff Foxworthy- State Trooper: Do you know why I pulled you over? No, no, it's about your boat. Yes, you are allowed to pull a boat behind your car... . . but we do require it be on a trailer... . . could you ask your friends to step out of the boat?... . . and I should let you know you lost your skier about a mile back. |
