| Author | Message | ||
     Bartimus |
 Halleluyah !!! | ||
| Blublak |
But it might as coming close.. heheheheeh.. sorry, just couldn't resist.. Later, | ||
| Charlieboy6649 |
Screaming Oh God! in bed may not be going to church, but it's definitely a religious experience! Charlieboy | ||
| Charlieboy6649 |
By the way. Did you hear about the two gay judges that tried each other??? Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk... Charlieboy | ||
| Crusty |
Yeah, they were Irishmen; Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. | ||
| Bartimus |
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| Bartimus |
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| Bartimus |
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| Bartimus |
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| Darthane |
LOL! The Buddha Baby is PRICELESS! | ||
| Bartimus |
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking." | ||
| Glitch |
Abbott & Costello ABBOTT : Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT : Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou ABBOTT : Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT : Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou ABBOTT : What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with windows? COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT : Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT : Software for windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT : Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT : I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT : Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT : Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT : Yes COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT : Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT : I recommend office with windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT : word. COSTELLO: what word? ABBOTT : word in office. COSTELLO: the only word in office is office. ABBOTT : the word in office for windows. COSTELLO: which word in office for windows? ABBOTT : the word you get when you click the blue W COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT : yes, you want real one. COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT : real one. COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT : of course. COSTELLO: great, with what? ABBOTT : real one. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT : you click the blue 1 COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT : the blue 1. COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT : the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word. COSTELLO: what word? ABBOTT : the word in office for windows. COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for windows! ABBOTT : no, just one. but it's the most popular word in the world COSTELLO: it is? ABBOTT : yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there. COSTELLO: and that word is real one? ABBOTT : real one has nothing to do with word. Real one isn't even part of office. COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT : money. COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have? ABBOTT : money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT : it comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer? ABBOTT : money COSTELLO: money comes with my computer? ABBOTT : yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT : one copy COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT : why not, they own it. | ||
| Bluzm2 |
Another Little Johnny..... A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" | ||
| Oconnor |
Hey glitch, I have been costello before. I remember trying to figure out about computers from a computer geek friend of mine. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry reading that. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Glitch I was in tears by the end of that. Cheers Buddy  | ||
| Glitch |
The funniest things tend to be linked to the truth in one way or another. | ||
| Newfie_buell |
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| Eisanmann |
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning. OH-OH....here comes Blake  | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
NEW VIRUS ALERT Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1965! Symptoms of the Senile Virus: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. 4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments. 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail. Remember??????????? I don't remember if I sent this one out......... I don't think I did...or did you send it to me?? Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 7. If all is not lost, where is it? 8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere. 16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. 21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after. 23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT! 24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded... Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen...I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think... | ||
| Bartimus |
They sell everything across the border in Mexico.  Question is... Why would you want some? | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
People will buy ANYTHING if they think it's a bargain! | ||
| Blackbelt |
words just can't do that pic justice..... | ||
| Crusty |
Sounds like a bunch of bull to me. | ||
| Bull |
Hey.. watch it  /Bull |
