| Author | Message | ||
     Bartimus |
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the boy what he had. The boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The boy replied, "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle." | ||
| Bartimus |
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion >for baked beans. She >loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a >very embarrassing and >somewhat lively reaction to her. > >Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it >became apparent that >they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a >sweet and gentle >man, he would never go for this carrying on." >She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some >months later her >car broke down on the way home from work. Since she >lived >in the country she called her husband and told him >that she would be >late because she had to walk home. > >On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of >the baked beans was >more than she could stand. Since she still had miles >to walk, >she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by >the time she >reached home. > >So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, >she had consumed >three large orders of baked beans. All the way home >she >putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt >reasonably sure she could >control it. > >Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed >delightedly,"Darling, >I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then >blindfolded her and led her >to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just >as he was about to >remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone >rang. > >He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until >he returned. He then >went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had >consumed were still >affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost >unbearable, so while >her husband was out of the room she seized the >opportunity, shifted her >weight to one leg and let it go. >Don't laugh too hard -- -- you might pee on yourself! > >It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer >truck running over >a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her >napkin and fanned the air >around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other >cheek and ripped three >more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. > >Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the >other room, she went on >like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone >farewells signaled >the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more >times with her >napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her, hands >upon it, smiling contentedly >to herself. > >She was the picture of innocence when her husband >returned, apologizing >for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and >she assured him that she >had not. > >At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was >surprised!! There >were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to >wish her a "Happy >Birthday"!!! | ||
| Bads1 |
THOUGHT OF THE DAY Never hold your farts in.They travel up your spine,into your brain,and thats where you get shitty ideas from. | ||
| Ray_maines |
I dare you to click on this link: http://www.flmnh.ufl.edu/fish/InNews/fishfart2003.htm | ||
| Ray_maines |
One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit" | ||
| Ray_maines |
A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well I'll tell you" replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman, "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?" SCROLL DOWN "I dunno, I never found her head." | ||
| Bads1 |
ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The girl notices him and asks if she could help him.He answers he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later,he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.She says, confused,"Sir I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife."He answers,"You see,it's like this,yesterday,I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers,cause its soooooooo much cheaper.So I figure if I have to roll my own....... so does she. | ||
| Bartimus |
ha ha ha those are hilarious!!! | ||
| Glitch |
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for the evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error that needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler." | ||
| Bluzm2 |
Glitch, That one is a classic!!! I had completely forgotten it. I told that one a coule of years ago to my brother-in-law. He's a gynecologist! I told it as if it was a real story about someone I heard about. He went for it hook line and sinker. Only time in 15 years I've seen him spit beer. Thanks! I'm stealing it again. | ||
| Bartimus |
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into water, and he needed the ax to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a Golden Ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a Silver Ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an Iron Ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared. The Lord asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes, Yes" cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You liar! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'No' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'Yes', you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'Yes' to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a Good and Honorable Reason, and for the Benefit of All Others. | ||
| Spooky |
Damn it. I've done pissed all over myself, but it was funny! | ||
| Lornce |
There's some damn funny stuff here. I'm still laughing at the terpentine gag. The farting bride and the talking dog... rotflmao! sniff thanks  | ||
| Reepicheep |
I followed a link from slashdot to this page... it is a guy that "reverse scams" all those nigerian scammers sending out spam... Reading his correspondence history is an absolute hoot... http://www.419eater.com/html/letters.htm But in particular, read through this one.... http://www.419eater.com/html/ahmed_ibrahim.htm Half way down, he sends a picture supposedly of himself.... riding a very pretty S1 (WL I think). Very funny stuff! | ||
| Bigdaddy |
Reepi, LMAO. Way too funny. | ||
| Newfie_buell |
When a Man takes over the Dear Abbey Page!!!       | ||
| Spiderman |
LMAO Looks like Newfie wrote those cause they all end a nice meal LMAO | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Spidey, If I wrote those they would have ended in a big drink of Screech. | ||
| Spiderman |
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| Bartimus |
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in > >the first class > >section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a > >tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite > >violently > >in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is > >shuddering and goes back to reading. > > > >A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She > >takes a tissue, > >gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently > >in her seat. The man is becoming > >more and more curious about the shuddering. A few > >more minutes pass. The woman > >sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently > >wipes her nose and shudders violently > >again. The man has finally had all he can handle. > >He turns to the woman and says, > >"Three times you've sneezed and three times you've > >taken a tissue and wiped your > >nose then shuddered violently! Do you want me to > >call the stewardess for you? > > > >The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. > >I have a rare condition, and when I > >sneeze, I have an orgasm." > > > >The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even > >more curious says, "I've > >never heard of that before. What are you taking > >for it?" > > > >The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper." | ||
| Newfie_buell |
This one is for Blastin Bad Day Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to the pharmacy to demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it." "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!" | ||
| Nevco1 |
Newfie...That was precious. More Gimme more. Di is still working on the first part and I told her to forget the meal. I just hope the rectal thermometer didn't give her any ideas...  | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Double Post - Opps edited by Newfie_Buell on November 19, 2003 | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Then there is always the Crossroads that every man faces at some point in their lives!!!  | ||
| Joey |
Almost daily! | ||
| Bartimus |
A girl came skipping home from school one day. > > > > > > "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, > > > and all the other kids could only count to four, but > > > I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!" > > > > > > "Very good," said her mother. > > > > > > "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked. > > > > > > "Yes, It's because your blonde." > > > > > > The next day the girl came skipping home from > > > school. > > > > > > "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the > > > alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, > > > but I said it up to G. See? > > > A,B,C,D,E,F,G!" > > > > > > "Very good," said her mother. > > > > > > "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" > > > > > > "Yes, It's because your blonde." > > > > > > The next day the girl came skipping home from > > > school. > > > > > > "Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class > > > today, and when we were showering, all the other > > > girls had flat chests, but I have these!" > > > > > > She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. > > > > > > "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. > > > > > > "Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?" > > > > > > "No Honey, Its because you're 24." | ||
| Ray_maines |
Oops, wrong thread. Sorry edited by ray_maines on November 19, 2003 | ||
| Lornce |
A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she asked. "Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. "Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?" "Two popsicles and some coffee." Lornce | ||
| Lornce |
One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W. He replies, "How about a quickie?" "Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude . . . you're starting to act like Mr. Clinton and you haven't even been in office for a month yet!" As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced "quiche." Lornce | ||
| Lornce |
A middle aged women decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady,I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said," Okay, okay,...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,"Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, ...how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No", she said. So he replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." Lornce |
