| Author | Message | ||
     Cj_xb |
OUCH !! | ||
| Nevco1 |
Actually Bluzm2, I believe it is due to the extreme pressure exerted by their control top pantyhose forcing the air out the same way it got in! Perhaps Blake can do the math on that. LOL | ||
| Spiderman |
Why do Husbands die before their wifes? . . . . . . . . . . . Because they WANT TO!!! | ||
| Crusty |
And then the was the costume party where everyone had to dress as an emotion. The night of the party arrived; the doorbell rang. The host opened the front door, and saw the first guest dressed totally in red. "What are you", he asked. "I'm angry", the guest said. "O.K., Come on in!" A few minutes later, the bell rang again, and when the host opened it, he saw someone dressed completely in blue. "What are you?" "I'm depressed." "Cool, come on in!" A little while later, the bell rang, and the host opened it to see someone dressed in green. "What are you?" "I'm jealous." "Come in!" This continued until all the guests arrived. At the peak of the party, the doorbell rang. When the host opened it, he saw a guy standing there, completely naked, with a pie over his crotch. "What are you?" the puzzled host asked "I'm fuckin' dis custard!" | ||
| Newfie_buell |
I hear ya Spidey on that one!!!! How can you tell when a moth FARTS? . . . . . . . . . . . It flies straight!!!!!! | ||
| Newfie_buell |
*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.] Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early" Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Thank you for attention on this matter. | ||
| Gravedigger |
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| Gravedigger |
Newfie, That one is great!! Mind if I use it, with one minor change to rule #9??? I don't have 5 acres out back, I have 63!  LOL Keith | ||
| Cj_xb |
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brain? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIVORCED !!  edited by CJ XB on October 16, 2003 | ||
| Buellmule |
GOOD ONE CJ!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!  | ||
| Sarodude |
Three brothers get together for their annual dinner / reunion thing. They're all sons of a surgeon and went on to become surgeouns themselves. The first son is boasting about how he saved a young man's legs. "Poor kid had both legs severed off in a car wreck. I stitched him back up and later in the year he took a gold medal in Olympic Ski Jumping!" The brothers were quite pleased. The second brother piped in... "Yeah, that's pretty good. I had to re-construct some girl's hands after they got mangled in a food processor. She just won a Grammy for her solo piano work." That was pretty impressive to the other two. The third brother decided to tell of his miraculous patient. "Some cowboy got run over by some farming equipment. It was really, REALLY bad. All they found was an asshole and a cowboy hat. He went on to become president." | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Losing ones Brain may not be so bad at times!!!! You could always find a new much younger BRAIN!!!!! | ||
| Buellmule |
GOOD > >A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but >wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem, a 12-year-old boy >was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR >TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road >with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. > >BETTER > >A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated >radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being >cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police >responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. > >BEST > >A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper >Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she >said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers >Ball. " "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There >was A moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just >said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She >was laughing too hard to start her car. | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Nancy, Neither do Turkeys at that festival you and CJ were at!!!!!! | ||
| Buellmule |
OK, Then what were they eating?   | ||
| Nevco1 |
Ouch...widower hurt. Think divorced would have been a better choice. Not really that sensitive anymore, but I am one. | ||
| Buellmule |
Sorry Nevco1  I better think before I respond. Bmule | ||
| Cj_xb |
Agreed, edited ! | ||
| Nevco1 |
Thanks, but no problem. We all tend to get carried away at times without meaning to offend. Guess it was my turn to get sensitive. Now let the Jokes resume!!! | ||
| Pilot |
A teacher was asking her class what their father's jobs were and could the spell them.Annie replied Doctor, d o c t o r.James responded Baker,b a k e r .Billy replied strip tease dancer at a local gay bar,s t r,When the teacher interrupted him and went on to the next student. Later that day she asked Billy if his father was really a strip tease dancer at the local gay bar? He replied no Miss he plays baseball for the CUBS but I am to ashamed of him and do not want anyone to know that. | ||
| Cj_xb |
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." | ||
| Gravedigger |
An Irishman moves to the USA &finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run". The next batter hits a single &the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN"!! The Irishman enjoyed the game &began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained "He can't run -- he's got four balls." The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad." | ||
| Pilot |
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 success is . . . going all the way. At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 60 success is . . . going all the way. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. | ||
| Ray_maines |
Did you hear about the dyslectic, agnostic, insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog? | ||
| Imonabuss |
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetary. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties." "That's nothing" said the other husband "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you!'." | ||
| Timbo |
Just off the news wires... UPA- CEDAR SINAI MEDICAL CENTER Doctors here today were pleased to announce the success of a new procedure. Earlier this month an infant was born with Ocipitalnondermis a very rare condition where the eyelids are not fully formed and in exrteme cases non existant. After reciving permission from the parents of the infant boy, the medical team used skin removed from his circumcision to form eyelids on the existing tissue. While doctors did caution, only time will tell how effective the procedure is, it does appear at this time to be a success. However, a junior member of the team did have this to add, Quote: "The kid is a little cockeyed now". End quote. Timbo | ||
| Oldguy |
CJ, That one is so bad it's hilarious. I'm glad my glass was empty or I'd be cleaning Pepsi off of the computer, wall, drapes, etc. This is a great thread, keep 'em coming. Glenn | ||
| Ray_maines |
Two grad students from the University of Warsaw have been awarded their Ph.D's for successfully creating Poland's first Digital Clock edited by ray_maines on October 18, 2003 | ||
| Bluzm2 |
Ray, Thanks for posting that link! It's been around for quite a while but I lost the link! Thanks! | ||
| Newfie_buell |
I figured that would be running slow by now!!! That guys hand must be tired!!!!!! |
