| Author | Message | ||
     Whatever |
I am blonde and smarter than most of you combined!!! Ha hahahahahaha. How is that for a point? | ||
| M1combat |
Whatever... | ||
| Tripper |
... trips yer trigger | ||
| Crw |
Two cannibals are eating a clown when one cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?" | ||
| Newfie_buell |
The Difference Between Men and Women How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups. 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.! 10. Complain because your husband had been eating you ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 11. Rinse conditioner off hair. 12. Shave armpits and legs. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirr! or. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Wash your face. 6. Wash your armpits. 7.Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. 11. Shampoo your hair. 12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. 14. Pee. 15. Rinse off and get out of shower. 16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. 17. Admire wiener size in mirror again. 18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If! you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 20.Throw wet towel on bed | ||
| Newfie_buell |
How to bathe a cat 1. Clean the toilet Bowl 2. Put a small amount of shampoo in the toilet bowl 3. Get the cat and pet the cat, calming the cat 4. Put the cat in the toilet bowl 5. Close both lids of the toilet 6. Sit on the lid 7. The cat will trash around (don't be alarmed, the cat is enjoying his Bath) 8. After several minutes, flush the toilet 3 times, to rinse the cat thoroughly 9. Have someone open all the doors in the house 10. Stand back as far as you can and lift the toilet lid. 11. The cat will immediately escape through the door 12. This way the cat will be Air Dried Signed: The Dog | ||
| Newfie_buell |
To add some clarity...... : ) Words that women use... FINE This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing." | ||
| Newfie_buell |
A redneck family was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an>elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... | ||
| Nevco1 |
Newfie...If you don't get flamed for that last joke, we will know for certain that there are discriminatory practices being conducted by the censors on this forum. | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Rules from the right side Men always hear "the rules" from the women's side. Now here are the rules from the men's side. Please note ... these are all considered to be Rule #1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 3. Saturday night = Hockey Night in Canada. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 5. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 6. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 8. Check your oil! Please. 9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 3 days. 10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 11. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 12. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 13. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and neither do we. 14. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is. 16. If it itches, it will be scratched. 17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 19. You have enough clothes. 20. You have too many shoes. 21. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. 22. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. | ||
| Reepicheep |
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2432601336 Don't think this was posted here... read it in detail, it gets funnier as you go. The drag racing video is a nice touch as well. My favorite line of feedback? "We are Garret Turbo are very proud of our products, and are prepared to offer you a substantial sum of sponsership money. All we ask is that you take our sticker off your window" | ||
| Crusty |
Reepicheep,That was truly hilarious. I've got tears in my eyes after that. | ||
| Nevco1 |
Newfie...Absolutely Priceless!!! | ||
| Reepicheep |
Did you watch the video of the drag race?  They were hoping to break into the low 20's for the quarter mile... I won't ruin the suprise, but lets just say the cars hazard lights came on half way down the strip  | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Bill, My favorites are #8 & #9!!! I also liked the video, my sons can pedal his bicycle faster than that. | ||
| M2me |
Newfie, I really like the redneck family at the elevator joke. But did you know that you posted that exact same joke earlier in this thread? Oh well, it was just as funny the second time around!  | ||
| Sportyeric |
If you love your motorcycle, let it go. If it comes back to you, you probably high-sided. (Tag line of George Crim on the XL-Lis.) | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Thats real funny, A guy on a Ninja - All I know it was a green sport bike high sided his in a turn last night. Other than plastic damage and pride nothing hurt. I did not realize I previoiusly posted it.  | ||
| Bartimus |
100% is not enough. Ever wondered about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math's that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? If...A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then:- H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close; Attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. But, look how far A S S K I S S I N G 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% will take you. So, now you know what to do. Have a nice week! | ||
| Ray_maines |
Bartimus: I love it! That's my new #1 joke of all time. Thanks 48%. B U N C H 2 21 14 3 8 = 48 | ||
| Mikej |
Taken from someone else's posting, but I thought it more appropriately belonged over here:  | ||
| Arlene |
A teacher is in class teaching how it is impossible for a whale to swallow a man. How the whales throat is just too small. One little girl raises her hand and said, "Jonah was swallowed by a whale." The teacher disagrees with her. Then the little girl says, "When I get to heaven I'll ask Jonah." The teacher says, "What if Jonah went to hell?", the little girl answeres............"Then you ask him!"  | ||
| Cj_xb |
One for the Girls !! WHY IT'S GOOD TO BE A WOMAN !! 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. Taxis stop for us. 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.. 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end. 9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot. 13. We will never regret piercing our ears. 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway. | ||
| Spiderman |
What do Rednecks do for Halloween? . . . . . . . . . .. .. . . . Pump Kin | ||
| Cj_xb |
Aaaaggggghhhhhhh !!!! That is so not right Spidey !!! CJ XB  | ||
| Spiderman |
>>>>7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. Neither is that ::Shudder:: | ||
| Cj_xb |
It's only gonna matter Spidey if your sleeping with em, otherwise you'd never know !!! LOL CJ XB  | ||
| Newblaster |
And that's where the two posts meet...  | ||
| Iamike |
A teacher asks "3 birds are sitting on a wire, if a hunter shoots 1 how many are left?" A boy answers "none are left". The teacher says "wrong answer, but how'd you come up with that?" The boy answers "when the gun goes off the other birds fly away". The teacher replies "the answer should be 2, but I like the way you think". The boy says "let me ask you a question. 3 women are sitting on a bench. 1 is eating a chocolate donut, 1 is eating a chocolate muffin and 1 is sucking on a popsickle. Which one is single?" The teacher replies "the one with the popsickle". The boy says "wrong, the one without the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!" | ||
| Bluzm2 |
Why don't most women fart? They never shut up long enough to build up the necesary pressure! (Sorry CJ, I had to!) |
