| Author | Message | |||
     Cj_xb |
I think Christine is close enough. Then you don't know me, cause Christine is NOT close enough, it's Chris OR Christiana which is my full name, or heck even CJ might do, but NOT Christine !! phonemanjustin, that tool list was sooooo funny, I nearly spit out my pop reading it, and I don't even USE tools !! CJ XB  | |||
| Lee |
The 2 Rules of Motorcycle Mechanics: 1. Anything within arms reach can be used as a hammer. 2. Never leave your timing light within arms reach. | |||
| Newfie_buell |
edited by Newfie_Buell on September 25, 2003 | |||
| Newfie_buell |
One more try  | |||
| Newfie_buell |
THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him. | |||
| Newfie_buell |
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk. "If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone. So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out. At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!" | |||
| Cj_xb |
40 Things Never Said By Southerners Yeah I should Know !!! 40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who's Richard Petty? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled? 12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 09. Checkmate. 08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 05. I don't have a favorite college team. 04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight. | |||
| Piggos |
A big earthquake with a strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans died, and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans. God Bless America! | |||
| Newfie_buell |
Piggos, Due to budget cuts the Canadian Troops are limited to : A Mountie, flying squirrel and two canoes | |||
| Blackbelt |
and RED-GREEN!!!!! HEHEHE HE CAN FIX ANYTHING WITH DUCT TAPE AND JUST A BIT OF CANADIAN INGINUITY... which isn't saying much  | |||
| Blackbelt |
oh and Char i didn't make that up about the name thing.. it is what is posted... unless you care to find out.. hehehe | |||
| Sarodude |
A guy has a super horney wife. He's POSITIVE she's cheating on him and he needs to go out of town. In desperation, he stops at a sex shop on the way home. The guy at the counter in the shop shows him all sorts of ho-hum devices - all of which the wife already has or are just not good enough. When seemingly all options are exhausted, the strange man behind the counter reaches back and pulls out this old wooden box. Upon opening the box, the husband sees what looks like an ordinary dildo. He's SERIOUSLY unimpressed until the man behind the counter speaks: "Voodoo Dick, pleasure my cat." The dildo mysteriously levitates and homes in on the unsuspecting cat's parts. The husband is THRILLED. The man cautions the husband to remember how to get the thing to turn off. "Voodoo Dick, get back into the box." The dildo floats back into the box, money is exchanged, and the husband rushes home with his wife's new plaything. Once home he tells his wife about the new toy he bought her. He then rushes back to his car and drives off to the airport. The wife can't wait to try out the new toy. She instructs it, "Voodoo Dick, pleasure me!" Well, the wife is in masturbatory bliss for a couple of hours. Then she starts getting tired and sore and tries to make it stop. Only then does she realize that her husband forgot to tell her how to make it stop! She tries everything from verbal commands to holding it to pouring cold water - but no dice. The Voodoo Dick keeps doing its thing. With the Voodoo Dick still pumping away she gets dressed and stumbles to the car in a mix of spasms and fatigued foot dragging. She gets in the car to drive to the hospital, but as you might imaging, is unable to drive too well. As luck would have it, a cop sees her and pulls her over. He can't understand what's going on, so she explains all about the Voodoo Dick. As you might imagine, the cop isn't all too impressed with the story. Regardless of how much she pleads with the cop, he isn't buying the story. He says, "Look lady, there's no such thing as a Voodoo Dick! How do you expect me to believe such a stupid story? Voodoo Dick my ass!" | |||
| Budo |
So, this penguin is riding a Buell S1W across the desert when he notices oil on his boot. So he comes to a town with a motorcycle shop that he stops at. The mechanic says he can look at it in a half hour so the penguin decides to walk thru town. It very hot and the penguin notices a ice cream shop and goes in to geta tripple vanilla bean cone. The penguin starts walking back to the shop licking the ice cream cone. It is very hot and the ice cram is melting and making a mess on the penguins face. So he finishes the ice cream cone just before walking into the motorcycle shop. He walks in his face still a mess from the ice cream. The mechanic looks up from his bike and says 'blew a seal' the penguin says no man this is ice cream! | |||
| Josh_ |
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who know binary, and those who don't. | |||
| Phonemanjustin |
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous." "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours." | |||
| Phonemanjustin |
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| Josh_ |
Lady goes to a dressmaker for a wedding gown. Tells the seamstress she'd like one similar to her others and in white. Seamstress says "But dear, white is for virgins, if you've been married before you should not do it again in white" Lady says "But I am a virgin. My first husband was a photographer, he just wanted to look. My second husband was a psychiatrist, he just wanted to talk about it. My third husband was a philatelist. God I miss him." (link provided for those from the California School system) | |||
| Iamike |
There were two salesmen driving across Kansas during a snowstorm. I got so bad that they finally decided to pull into this farmhouse and ask if they could spend the night. A farm widow answered the door but was reluctant to let them in. After some serous pleading she finally consented. She cooked them a nice meal and then showed them to their separate rooms for the night. Nine months later the first salesman asked the other “did you get up during the night and go do something with that farm widow that we met? And did you give her my name?” At first the second salesman denied it but finally admitted that he had. He asked “Am I a father or something?” The first salesman said “heck no, she just died and willed me the farm!” | |||
| Ray_maines |
Mike: I think you would have to be from Iowa or someplace else that nobody has ever heard of to appreciate that joke. IMHO: So far, it's Josh_ two, Ray one, and everyone else zero. | |||
| Cj_xb |
Mike: I think you would have to be from Iowa or someplace else that nobody has ever heard of to appreciate that joke. iamike, I appreciated it, but then again I'm from Camden, Arkansas !! LOL CJ XB | |||
| Court |
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar..... The bartender: Okay...I'll give ya a beer, but please don't start anything. | |||
| Iamike |
Ray- Considering farms can be worth several million dollars it does have some humor to it. I grew up in Kansas, we used to drive over to Missouri to see where the snow landed. | |||
| Iamike |
We could get some state jokes going. IA & MN have quite a few. | |||
| Sarodude |
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" | |||
| Bluzm2 |
Mike, Like this one? Why does the Mississippi flow from Minnesota to Iowa? Because Iowa sucks!!! Let the flames begin!!! Hoot, that one was really cold! Funny but cold! edited by bluzm2 on September 26, 2003 | |||
| Sarodude |
A variation on Budo's joke... An eskimo is having problems with his snowplow. He takes it into town to have it looked at. The mechanic notices an oil leak an immediately comments, "You blew a seal!" The Eskimo replies, "Hey, how did you know?" | |||
| Sarodude |
Two molecules are talking when one comments, "Hey, I just lost an electron." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" | |||
| Sarodude |
This joke is only funny to a certain select group of geeks. That said: What do you get when a Detroit Automaker's CEO gets bitten by a vampire? autoexec.bat | |||
| Cj_xb |
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton. |
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