To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Awesome. The tax rate under Brittish rule in colonial America was 2%. That was enough to instigate a rebellion. What is it now? We should all head down to the pub, drink some blackstrap rum, and speak openly of revolution.
Then after a year or so we can have a proper revolution and start over. It would be kind of like sending America to Grandmas house for a year for having become an out of control thirty year old spoiled semi-educated stoner of a teenager with no morals who has lost direction.
Think of all those Euro spec motors that the EPA & Californians won't let you have.
You could have the Ford Ranger with the turbo diesel in it, & a DR BIG to play with.
But best of all, you get HM The Queen.
Come on you've got to admit it, our Queen trumps any President you've had for the last half century (with the possible exception of Ronnie Reagan). How can you compare the Royal splendour to the current incumbent with a head like a wing-nut.
You could adopt the Hawaii state flag instead of the stars & stripes.
We love you all, we really do, think of the advantages for all of us.
Steady with the Queen stuff. She ain't getting any younger. Remember, Jug Ears & Horse Face are next in line. (By the time Will's & Kate arrive her butt will be saggy) Chris C
Such an odd medieval notion that royalty should rule because it is ordained by God. Then as a society you turn from God, but keep the royalty that God ordained.
Among European monarchies Jean V of Armagnac formed a rare brother-sister relationship. Also other royal houses, such as the Wittelsbachs had marriages among aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. The British royal family had several marriages as close as the first cousin, but none closer.
Then with a limited pool of royal families, they trade their inbred genes with another families inbred genes, and so on, and so on...
They're just a bunch of money sucking hemophiliacs with a hearty dose of insanity running through their lineage. I just read what I typed. Guess you could describe me as a republican (in Britain!) Chris C
Mr_grumpy Up until the Spice Girls came along I thought that one was in and of itself sufficient reason to invade the UK. Then the Spice Girls came along and realized they had enormous forces in reserve that I dare not confront.
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room trying to masturbate. Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Wasserman- Shultz are dancing naked on the big screen.
Curious, the man asks," What the hell are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care." "All their procedures are very difficult and we usually end up neutering them"
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Archive through November 14, 2012
. It would be kind of like sending America to Grandmas house for a year for having become an out of control thirty year old spoiled semi-educated stoner of a teenager with no morals who has lost direction. 
