| Author | Message | ||
     Mr_grumpy |
One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for shagging a giraffe. Apparently the other six put him up to it __________________________________________ My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ,told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you!"she said then unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever............ Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before. ___________________________________________ I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning." ____________________________________________ A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?' __________________ | ||
| Jramsey |
The Spoon Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon." | ||
| Froggy |
Why did princess Diana cross the road? Because she forgot to wear her seatbelt. | ||
| Harleyelf |
Now that is tasteless. And funny. | ||
| Jramsey |
George Bush has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folk here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George. The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica, you're free to go." ________________ | ||
| Satori |
My Girlfriend asked me whats on the TV I replied "Dust" Services are pending... | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A Real Woman A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, s*xy, seductive and invincible. No wait... Sorry.. I'm thinking of whisky. It's whisky that does all that sh*t. | ||
| Slaughter |
Some old NASA jokes: NASA stands for? Need Another Seven Astronauts (applause dies down... Slaughter goes on) What were Christa McAuliffe's last words? "Gee, what does THIS button do?" | ||
| Sifo |
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is Acetaminophen Aleve is Naproxen Amoxil is Amoxicillin Advil is Ibuprofen and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic for Viagra and announced today they have settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin and Alimpdixfix. Pfizer recently announced that Viagra would be available in liquid form. It will be sold under the name of Mydixadud. It will be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. | ||
| Gregtonn |
Did you know they are giving Viagra to old men in nursing homes? Keeps them from rolling off the bed. | ||
| Satori |
13 Things PMS Stands for..... 1. Pass my shotgun 2. Psychotic mood swings 3. Perpetual munching spree 4. Puffy Mid section 5. People make me sick 6. Provide me with sweets 7. Pardon my sobbing 8. Pimples may surface 9. Pass my sweats 10.Pissy mood syndrome 11.Poor men suck 12.Pack my stuff 13.(my favorite) Potential Murder Suspect | ||
| Sifo |
14. Punish My Spouse | ||
| Satori |
15. Probable murder suspect | ||
| Harleyelf |
Proof of Male Superiority | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Or if you're a redneck, Poke My Sister. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY It's really not difficult... To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be: 01. a friend 02. a companion 03. a lover 04. a brother 05. a father 06. a master 07. a chef 08. an electrician 09. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynaecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organiser 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. love shopping 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention, 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 5 2 . Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes. _______________________________________________ HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:- 01. Feed him 02. Shag him 03. Leave him in peace __________________ | ||
| Sifo |
The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS." The minister scratched his head... .thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer." The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist." She said,"Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. I've read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all." Preacher says, "Its right in the book of Matthew." She said, "No way, I've read that several times and its not mentioned at all!"He said ,"It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically... that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
MAHARISHI PHUCNUCKEL'S GUIDE TO ZEN. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f**k off and leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Remember, no one is listening until you fart. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. A closed mouth gathers no feet. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know. | ||
| Jramsey |
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, Leave mess for others to clean up. Disappear for rest of day." | ||
| 86129squids |
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| Mr_grumpy |
A Panda walks into a restaurant eats a slap-up meal & when the waiter presents him with the bill, pulls out a gun & blows him away. He then gets up & starts heading for the door, the manager rushes out shouting "hold on, you can't do that" The Panda says "sure I can I'm a Panda, look it up" & tosses him a dictionary as he goes out the door. The manager turns to the P section & finds the right page, there it is in print. "Panda- Large bear with distinctive black & white markings. Eats shoots & leaves." | ||
| Moxnix |
A guy walks into a bar and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It’s okay boys. He's one of us." | ||
| Just_ziptab |
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back, which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World." | ||
| Moxnix |
# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks # What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks # What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain # When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course." # So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship. # The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker. # What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both. | ||
| 86129squids |
Thanks man... that flowed well. | ||
| Harleyelf |
A plane is at the gate in Kansas City. A blonde gets on, hands her ticket to the stewardess, and announces, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm traveling first class to Hollywood." Her ticket is for coach class and she will not get out of the first class seat no matter what the stewardess says. The pilot tells the stewardess he'll handle it. He whispers a few words in the blonde's ear and she gets right up and goes to her assigned seat. The stewardess asks the pilot what he told her. "I just told her that this section doesn't stop in Los Angeles." (Message edited by harleyelf on February 03, 2012) | ||
| Jramsey |
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..." The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yes, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable. | ||
| Alfau |
HYMN # 365 A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river..' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' Sermon complete, he sat down... The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.' | ||
| Harleyelf |
How can you tell the difference between an engineer, a machinist, and a quality control inspector? Follow the three into the can. One will use the urinal and then wash his hands and leave. That's the engineer. One will wash his hands, use the urinal, and then leave. That's the machinist. The inspector is the one who washes his hands before peeing and his shoes after. | ||
| Jramsey |
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM I would have given him 100% Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand. Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack. |
