| Author | Message | ||
     Slaughter |
Two young engineering students meet in the parking lot on the way to lab. Engineer 1 is on a bicycle. E2: Is that a new bike? E1: Ya know, that’s a funny story. I was walking to class today when this attractive young woman rides up, gets off her bike, takes off all her clothes, lays down in the grass and says, “Take whatever you want!” E2: Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t fit… | ||
| Slaughter |
An engineer was out walking in the woods one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for as long as you desire me." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and give you anything you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for as long as you wish and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?" The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." | ||
| Kenm123t |
Slaughter I never knew till now how Froggy got his name Blake did you know? | ||
| Slaughter |
Awww GEEZ - Froggy... now I get it! | ||
| Sifo |
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'it’s fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally chits in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Please take part in this Survey. What is your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a massive failure because of the following: 1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant 2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. 3. In most of Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. The rest of Africa doesn't do writing. 4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant 5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. 6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. 7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A wise man once told me; "Ignore anything that comes out of a woman's mouth, unless of course it needs wiping and putting back in your trousers." | ||
| Skinstains |
What do you say to the girl with two black eyes... Nothing, you told her twice already... | ||
| Harleyelf |
These two atoms walk out of a bar. They got separated inside because Oxygen's real popular (everyone's always trying to combine with her) and Florine gets treated like a deadly poison. They meet up outside and begin walking down the sidewalk. Suddenly Florine stops. Oxygen asks, "What's wrong?" "You remember that electron in my outer ring, the one that's all by itself? Well, it's gone! Someone in that bar stole it!" "Are you sure?" "Am I sure? Sister, I'm positive!" Ionic (not ironic) humor. | ||
| Zane |
Chemistry Geek Humor? Now I've seen everything...lol | ||
| Kenm123t |
Elf thats a good one lol | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Bloke phones his local model shop. He says "Have you got any Italian cruise ship models?" Shopkeeper says "Yes, but I've only got one left" Man says" OK, can you put it on one side for me?" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Brooklyn. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates. | ||
| Etennuly |
My neighbor rear ended a new Lexus the other day. He said a dwarf got out running up to him exclaiming "I am not happy" as he viewed the damage. My neighbor couldn't stop himself from asking "which one are you then?" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Mickey and Minnie are in the divorce court. The judge says "I'm sorry Mr Mouse, but I can't see much wrong with her teeth" Mickey answers, "I didn't say there was, I said she was f***in' Goofy" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
John's talking to a mate in the pub:- I don't know what the fuss is about. Surely I'm not the first surgeon to have slept with one of his patients? His mate answers Probably not, but you're a veterinary surgeon! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
THE OFFICIAL MALE SENSITIVITY TEST 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking. B. Screwing. C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers. 3. You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra. 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym C. A conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth. B. An oxymoron. C. A moron. 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. An appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. Evaluating Results: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Was chatting up a girl in the pub earlier and I said "you remind me of my little toe" She said "is that because I'm small and cute" I replied "no because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Couldn't believe my luck the other night This totally gorgeous girl asked me what I do for a living, I said "People ring me up and I come over to fill their crack." She got up and left, I hate my job at auto glass. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A man phoned his wife from hospital and told her that he had had an accident at work and cut his finger off. "OH MY GOD" she cried, "the whole finger?" "No," he said "the one next to it!" | ||
| Skinstains |
Little toe joke = priceless... | ||
| Sifo |
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
If you witness a robbery at an Apple store does that make you an i-witness? __________________________________ I was watching TV last night when an advert came on featuring an African baby covered in flies. I phoned the number on the screen straight away to get one! looks like it works better than those sticky strips that you hang from the ceiling! __________________________________ A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the room she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said, "Hello my name is Carmen." "Thats a beautifull name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No" she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave myself that name, it represents the things I enjoy the most - Cars and Men. Therefore I chose Carmen". " Whats your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf." _______________________________ After no dates or sex for five years a woman goes to see Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang. He says "Harro! Take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside room." She does "Okay craw reery reery fast back". As she did Dr Chang shook his head".Yor probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man". She says "God, what's Ed Zachary disease?" Dr says "Is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!" | ||
| Bluzm2 |
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| Mr_grumpy |
A recent survey has found that one in three women are just as f***in stupid as the other two. _________________________________ Scientific research has proven that women have a spot that can make their whole body tremble and their legs go wobbly if a man hits it right. It's called a chin! _____________________________ A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...... ________________________________ I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".....but she did. _______________________________ A husband and wife go to the doctors for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor calls the wife in alone, and says "Your husband is suffering from severe stress. if you don't do as I say he will die. Each morning, give him oral sex. Cook him a meal every night, and be pleasant at all times. Don't nag him, and give him sex at least 3 times a week. In a few years, he will be fully fit again." On the way home, the husband turns to his wife and asked "so what did the doctor say then?" The wife replies "You're going to die". | ||
| Aesquire |
One lady at a salon points out another to her friend. "That's Cynthia, she lost 240 lbs of ugly fat, doesn't she look great?" "gee" her friend asked, "How did she do that?" The reply, "She let him keep the BMW." | ||
| Jramsey |
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real beech to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year. __________________ | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Kia have bought the rights to use the R prefix from BMW, they plan to introduce a sports version of the "Soul" the actual name is yet to be announced. | ||
| Notpurples2 |
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| Sifo |
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 AM. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife." |
