| Author | Message | ||
     Mr_grumpy |
There's a fridge, a dishwasher, a toaster and a woman. Which is the odd one out? The toaster, the rest drip when they're ••••••. | ||
| 86129squids |
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| Nm5150 |
How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't.There is a clock on the stove  | ||
| Pwnzor |
A woman had just given birth to her twelfth baby when her doctor says, "You've just had your twelfth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?" "Joe" "But you named the last eleven Joe" "Yeah its great. I say Joe go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Joe come for dinner, they all come for dinner." "But what if you only want one of them?" "Oh! Then I call them by their last name." | ||
| Pwnzor |
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?" "Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked. And the cop replied... "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!" | ||
| 86129squids |
OK, Pwn- if we're keeping score, you're ahead... And... pardon me... IIRC, pleeze no repost bunnies... "A baby seal walks into a club..." | ||
| Bads1 |
A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. My dick is turning orange!" Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy says "No, the boss was a real •••••••, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting twice my old pay, and the boss is real cool." So the doc thinks a little longer and says "Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?" Guy says, "No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos." | ||
| Whatever |
Wiat till Blake gets ahold of you guys...  | ||
| Slaughter |
OK so this Rabbi, a Priest, a Minister and a duck walk into a bar. Bartender says, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, A JOKE???" | ||
| Strokizator |
A woman asks a show judge why her dog always comes in second but never gets the blue ribbon. The judge explains that there is some hair on the dog's belly that shouldn't be there, otherwise it's a perfect specimen. On the way home she stops at the pharmacy and goes to the hair removal aisle. Seeing a confused look on her face, the pharmacist asks if he can be of any help. She tells the guy that there are too many products and asks if he can recommend one. He says "This one here is our best but it's pretty strong. You have to be careful. Where are you using it?" "I'm putting it on my schnauzer" she explains. "Oh, OK" he says. "Leave it on for just five minutes, rinse it off really good and then don't ride a bike for a week." | ||
| Froggy |
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf." | ||
| Cityxslicker |
Is THAT why OB is compensating ?... He is worried after being ousted,he will never be invited to golf again ?..... ponderous. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
http://www.buzzfeed.com/burnred/the-25-funniest-au tocorrects-of-2011-281t | ||
| Johnnylunchbox |
A man walks into his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and he sees his wife laying on the bed. The man says, "Honey, I want you to see the pig I've been making love to when you've got a headache," The wife exclaims, "You're such an idiot. That's not a pig!" The man says, "Shut up. I wasn't talking to you." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A man walks into a bakery in Belfast & asks, "Is that a cream slice or a meringue" The girl behind the counter replies, "You're perfectly right it's a cream slice" | ||
| Nm5150 |
Two Irish guys walk past a bar | ||
| Xl1200r |
Two sausages are frying in a pan. One sausage says to the other, "Man, it's getting a little hot in here." So the other sausage says, "OH MY GOD A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!" The only rude joke I know off hand is really rude and pretty disgusting. | ||
| Oldog |
A Scotsman over indulges at the local pub. On his way home through the village he passes out in some ones front yard, The Scot was wearing the traditional Blouse, sash and kilt of his clan. Two young women happen upon him sleeping in the yard, one says to the other I wonder if its true that Scotsmen never wear unders, beneath their kilts? Soooo, the young ladies lift his kilt up for a peek, finding no unders, beneath it the second one says to the first "lets leave him a memento of our visit So she ties a blue ribbon from her hair around his "manhood" they lower his kilt and leave him still asleep on the lawn. Later he wakes up and stumbles over to the bushes to relieve himself, Looking down he spies the blue ribbon and exclaims "OH I DONT KNOW WHERE YOU BEEN LADDIE BUT I SEE YOU TOOK FIRST PRIZE!" | ||
| Strokizator |
A Scottish lass approaches a man in a kilt and asks if it's true that they don't wear anything underneath. "Stick your hand oonder there lassie and find out" he says. She reaches under then quickly pulls here hand out. "Oooh, it's gruesome!" she exclaims. "Aye, lassie" he says. "Stick your hand oonder there again and you'll see it's grew some moore". | ||
| Strokizator |
Sven and Olie were walking down a street and came across a priest with his arm in a sling. "What happened to you, eh, father" Sven asks. The priest replies "I slipped in the bath and broke my arm". After the priest leaves Olie asks Sven "What's a bath?" Sven says "How should I know? I'm not catholic." Sven goes into a confessional and says "Father, last night I picked up a girl in the bowling alley. We went out for drinks and then I took her back to my place. We had the most wild sex I've ever had all night long." The Priest says "For you penance I want you to say three "Our Fathers" and three "Hail Marys." Sven replies "But father, I'm not catholic." The priest asks "Then why are you telling me all this?" Sven says "Hell, I'm telling everybody!" | ||
| Froggy |
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. | ||
| Arbalest |
You may be a redneck if.... you let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table.... In front of her kids. | ||
| Whatever |
This is the best thread ever!  | ||
| Damnut |
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?? Pick him up and blow him. | ||
| Whisperstealth |
>>>How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. That's so not funny Froggy... :P | ||
| Hootowl |
The best way to keep from being raped is to beat off your attacker. | ||
| 86129squids |
Why do you wrap a gerbil in duct tape? So it doesn't explode when you f**k it. | ||
| Badlionsfan |
Rectum, damn near killed him! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A rich man in his chauffeur driven limousine is sitting at a stop light when he hears a tap on the window. As he rolls down the window, the tramp on his bicycle says "spare a few bob for a poor man guv" The rich man replies "Neither borrower nor lender be, Shakespear my man" With that he rolls up the window & the limo swishes off. He's rather surprised to see the tramp pull up next to him at the next light, panting like a racehorse. Again the tramp taps on the window & again the rich man opens it & says "Well?" The tramp says "C*nt! D H Lawrence." | ||
| Strokizator |
Two cowboys are in a saloon arguing about who is the tougher. The first cowboy finally gets up and walks over to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. When the maid brings it over he hands his gun over to her, lays one finger on the bar and tells her to shoot it. She objects but pulls the trigger anyway. The cowboy wraps his bloody stump in a dirty bandana, swallows the shot of whiskey and goes back to his seat. The second cowboy goes to the bar and orders a double. When the girl shows up he hands her his gun, places 2 fingers on the bar and tells her to shoot them. She closes her eyes and pulls the trigger. The cowboy wraps a dirty bandana around his bloody hand, swallows the whiskey and goes back to his seat. An old Jewish guy who's been watching the whole ordeal walks up to the bar, unzips his pants and lays his whanger on the bar. The waitress says "I'm not going to shoot that!" He says "Vaht shoot? Just give it a kiss, it'll shoot itself". | ||
| Whatever |
A drunk walks into a bar. | ||
| Blake |
Sorry folks. Too far beyond family material for BadWeB.  Thank the Gerbil.  |
