| Author | Message | ||
     99savage |
Looking back over 40+ years of mostly happy marriage but w/ ups, downs & the odd screaming match - You are asking the wrong question in the right place 1. What an eff'n girly question - You don't have to be "in love", whatever that means, to do your damn job. - If she is doing her job you do yours. 2. Go home & do your job. - I mean that in the most physical way possible. - Do it even if you have no particular enthusiasm for it @ the moment & your wife is indifferent to the whole thing. - It is quite amazing, the more you attend to your duty the more you will both want to. - It helps to get away but don't wait for it | ||
| Doz |
Bottom line: don't make any sudden changes based on your own belief. TALK to your woman, lay it all out for her and be prepared for what she may tell you in return. Then take it from there..but work it out together..whatever the outcome. | ||
| Whatever |
I would just say this... love is an action, not a feeling... act in a loving way when you do not feel like it... especially when you do not feel like it... I do truly believe it is that simple. Also, probably not what you would expect to hear, but forgive and accept yourself... look at your ambivalence, your dissapointment and even any shame you may have towards yourself... and love yourself anyway. Do not be afraid to seek professional help... sometimes all we need is someone to be a mirror so we can see things as they really are. | ||
| Fly |
It took many years to win me over on the concept, but quality counseling is effective in opening up conversations and feelings, all while helping to control the exchange and provide prudent guidance and insight into your situation. The key word is quality. Do it. You owe it to yourself and family. | ||
| Brumbear |
Flush out your headgear youngman good women are hard to find but all of em are crazy. Talk to her try I mean really try, divorce is a rough road I wouldn't want to travel just to find myself looking back with regret. | ||
| Cityxslicker |
ok, not being married, I will get some heat for giving advice, however I did just conclude a 17 year relationship (she decided she wanted kids, I aint ever having them) Its a roller coaster ride, to go through the twists, the turns, the barrel rolls, the blinding acceleration, you have to go through a boring up hill climb, and even a level spot or two with no great attraction to it, and when it pulls in the station, you hve to decide is it time to ride it again, or do I go sit on the carosel. never choose the carosel. Make a list of ten things about a woman that you think you want in the next relationship..... Now make a list of the ten things about your wife that you love / used to love I am betting there is alot of overlap. It cant be all excitement, all the time, but the ride should always be worth it. take a roadtrip, come back to her as a tourist visiting a foreign city ; I am betting you find some of the old spark back. (take a dance class/cooking class/learn a language together; get out of the routine you have been doing) | ||
| Alii1959 |
Funny thing about marriage if done right it gets better with time. I agree with the above posts "do your duty" and things will improve. Even after 30+ years we are together, barring illness/periods/etc., every day....more than once if possible. True we are not the people we once were, but things are still great and we still enjoy each other. Sometime its fireworks, but more often than not it is just comfortable and soothing....for both of us. My wife and I dated for all of 6-weeks. I have spent the last 30+ years learning about her. She is my best friend and has always been so. Take time to do things together, even stupid things, silly things, just for the sake of being together. Date one another. Never ever speak to her in a manner that is disrespectful......I never could she is the mother of my child after all. Money, work, vehicles, etc. all come and go but we remain together. Don't be distracted by things that aren't important. | ||
| Shellyo |
Unfortunately all we can give you is advice based on our own personal experiences. I think Ulywife has a pretty good response but it will ultimately be your decision. I just celebrated my first anniversary (Dec15th, actually) of my second marriage and I can tell you from experience that professional counselling is a big help. Couples counselling is best but you may want to speak to someone yourself first, just to see if you've got your own head screwed on right. My first marriage lasted 32 years and without counselling would have ended before the fifth year was up. (It took me over 5 years to get over Linda's death and I was incredibly lucky to fall in love a second time.) Joanie and I had a bit of a whirlwind romance and got married after 4 months. We both had some "issues" to work through and went to counselling to work through them and, believe me, it helps to have someone else dispassionately point out strengths in the relationship. Just by going to counselling you are showing your lady that you think the marriage is worthwhile... and, also, just how serious you think the situation may be. If you feel the relationship is worth saving then you owe it to both of you to work your way through it. Do what's in your heart... and good luck no matter what your decision is. (Message edited by shellyo on December 22, 2010) (Message edited by shellyo on December 22, 2010) | ||
| Gregtonn |
Try spending the next two weeks making it all about your son, not you and not your wife. Don't ignore her or exclude her just try to get every bit of enjoyment you can from him. Ask yourself why he does the things he does, what makes him the happiest and why. Then ask your wife those same questions. At the end of those two weeks ask yourself how you would feel if you left them. Just a thought. G | ||
| Whisperstealth |
Char +1. I do think love is a feeling, but it is also action. Love with out action dies. If you have a faith or higher power, look to that for answers as well. Ask what the next right thing is, and ask for the strength and willingness to do it. Remember: Everybody wants to love, and be loved. You are loved, now show your love to your wife and son. | ||
| Ft_bstrd |
It's easy to be in gushy, fantasy "love". That emotion is driven by hormones, novelty, raw sexual attraction. The problem is that this form of love doesn't last. Most confuse these initial feelings with genuine love. Genuine love comes later. It comes after the struggles, the betrayals, the trials, the illness, the arguments, the hardships. To use a military analogy, you can be friends with someone after coming through basic, but you become brothers after you have survived combat in the same foxhole. My wife and I went through the same rough patch at about the same time. We tolerated each other at best and were at each other's throats at worst. It wasn't until EACH of us made a commitment, call it a RE-COMMITMENT, to make it work. It isn't until each of you stop looking for the exits and start looking for the fire extinguishers that your marriage will improve. I will be celebrating my 14th anniversary in 6 days. I would take a bullet for my wife. She would do the same for me. It wasn't always the case. Seek JOINT counseling to aid in opening communication between the two of you. You complaining to someone and her complaining to someone does NO good. Come to the joint conclusion that: 1) You are BOTH committed to making it work 2) That there are issues that need to be addressed 3) That NEITHER is to blame completely 4) That BOTH are committed to correcting the issues There is NO relationship you will find better than the one you have. Like the cake, the green grass is a lie. There are spawn of satan spouses from which you should legitimately flee. It doesn't sound like this is the case. Good luck. Pray hard. Roll your sleeves up. Get to work. | ||
| Rotzaruck |
I've been thinking, reading through this stuff. I think this is a pretty good place to bring things like this. Badweb is blessed with people who care about others. When you talk to friends and even family, they sometimes don't know how to respond. They worry about hurting your feelings, making you mad or such things. They might try to get along, tell you what you want to hear. Here, you see mostly flat out honest opinions. Your "feelings" are not as important to most here as you and your family's long term well being. Jump and run doesn't seem to be the idea of most here. A lot of people have been through some horrible times in their marriage. Dishonesty, infidelity, violence, abuse, drugs, distance; you could go on and on. They fought and struggled and kept their family together against all those odds. To have a spouse that was trying, was a good wife or husband, that was a good parent and really doing the best they could would have been wonderful. I think you need to hit your knees and count you blessings man! You always need to talk to your wife, but don't put making you happy off on her. It's not her job. She couldn't do it anyway, it's up to you. You can wander off, mess up your family forever, and never find what you need, and never get back what you lost. Divorce is a horrible thing, I did that once. In talking to people, I found so many grown folks with kids of their own who still struggled with their parent's divorce. I believe it had a lot to do with a lot of the problems my kids had. Avoid it if you can. If you find someone decent, you can love them, really. Counselors can help, but be choosy. There are some useless ones out there. A lot of praying, some counseling, some hard work may fix things, but don't tarry. You aren't the only one in charge of these life changing decisions. I will have you on my list. | ||
| Cyclonedon |
I agree with what Ft bsrtd said! marriage is a commitment that takes both of you to work at! Good Luck! | ||
| Rpm4x4 |
Every relationship has its dull moments. I felt the same way a few years back. Im glad I didnt jump ship. I think we are are happier now than we have ever been. Ive been with her for 19 years now. One thing I did was add some more "me" time into my schedule. When you do the things you love you just become a happier person and it carries over. When I say me time I dont mean bar time. Thats not something you love. (well at least Im hoping not) I mean something that you may be choosing not to do because your married. My biggest turn around was my first real bike trip. 11 days 2500 miles with good friends. 11 days away from home and I really didnt miss her at all. I kinda felt guilty. However, when I got home, I was happy to see her and the kids. She was happy to see me to. Ive done several more me type vacations and I dont regret them at all. I think me vacations are healthy for me and my marriage. Only difference is I miss her when Im gone and I call her to tell her so. As for getting married too young, I know that too. We have been together since we were teenagers. The way I see it is I just found the one I was looking for earlier than others. | ||
| Glitch |
Cliff, if you don't mind me asking, how did y'all meet? What attracted you to her? What made you want to marry her after two years of dating? | ||
| Ulywife |
I second what Rpm said about having some "me" time. Carlos and Mark go to the WV Rally each year. When people ask me if I'm going, I always say "No, this is his weekend". I take other weekends for myself. We may each pull off one or two a year. This is another way to realize what you have at home and get some perspective. My heart breaks when I hear of couples struggling in their marriage. Carlos and I have had ups and downs, but not to the point of one of us leaving. There are many points of view on this board. Take what you think will help your marriage and put it to the test. Praying that you find peace and happiness. | ||
| Sirvait |
TALK! Find something that you both have always wanted to do (cedar point, skydiving, etc.) think adventure here. Then, GO DO IT!!! | ||
| Swordsman |
Glitch, 1.) We met in college through a mutual friend. I had just split up with another girl that I had dated for about 3 months... it had ended in a confusing mess that left us both unsure of our official status. I had resolved to stop trying so hard with relationships and just enjoy myself for once. Up until that point, I admit, I was needy and clingy. The break up girl was only the 3rd I ever dated, period. I spotted my wife in the gym and thought to myself, "I'm going to ask her out", but didn't. Then she showed up with a female friend of mine at gig my cousin was playing. Our friend decided to play matchmaker, and it took. 2.) Honestly, she was frikkin' hot. The hormones were in charge!  I didn't know her at all. 3.) The thought of marriage cropped up after only 3 months of dating. I don't remember exactly why. I just enjoyed her company. She wasn't afraid to pig out in front of me. Odd, but I thought that was cool. I think a part of it was still the driving need to just "have" someone. Like I said, I hardly dated at all, and I'm just a big ball of emotional mush anyway. I believe a part of my current discontent is stemming from that last bit. Back then, I was terribly insecure. I've grown up a lot since then. I'm much more comfortable with myself, and confident. And now, with some of the frustrations I have at home, I feel like maybe I anchored myself too soon. I've always approached my (few) relationships with total self-sacrifice, because I love to make other people happy. Now... now I just feel like maybe it's time for me to have what I want for a change. I know that sounds incredibly shallow, and selfish, especially with a new little boy to care for, but that's what keeps running circles in my head. We've talked. Basically, she hears what I'm saying, but can't bring herself to do anything about it. And I understand why, but that doesn't make things any better (this would make a lot more sense if I could spell it all out for you, but that would be entirely TMI for a forum). I really hate feeling like this. It's not fair to her, with all that she HAS done for us. And yet I also feel like it's not fair to me, because I've put a lot of myself into this thing as well. *sigh* ~SM | ||
| Jcbikes |
Think of what would be best for your son, not you. He has the most to lose or gain (depending on what decision you make). | ||
| Ft_bstrd |
Marriage is completely NOT what YOU get out of it, and ANY relationship you might jettison this one for will be even less fulfilling. Trust me. I've got several friends who have punched out of their marriages chasing the "upgrade option". They have ALL regretted it. Part of what makes you "confident" is your current marriage. Leaving for the reasons you've stated is like burning your base with all your provisions behind you. The secondary market for "used" men and women isn't as robust as you think. | ||
| Pammy |
I have to ask...is there someone else you imagine might let you be happier? Be honest(at least with yourself). | ||
| Blake |
This book provided a HUGE revelation for me and my girlfriend (wife) of 27 years. We're on opposite sides of the love language spectrum and it can cause a LOT of discontent for each of us. Learning the why and wherefores of that was huge. When both spouses are willing to recognize and act on the fact that they have different vital needs, it is a truly transforming experience. Even when we feel that our needs are not being met, we understand that it is not due to lack of love, just different preferences for showing it. I've been where you are. By the grace of God I soldiered through and held ground against temptation. If we feel the least bit that we are being shallow and selfish, then we indeed are. That sense of failure and self-recrimination is our conscience speaking to us, trying to warn us from folly and despair. Truth: Serving self over family NEVER results in lasting (meaningful) satisfaction, NEVER. Rather it results in the exact opposite, relentless feelings of failure, worthlessness, torment. It is guaranteed that should you follow the lure of self-satisfaction over the good, loving, manly commitment to your son and wife, your family, you will be haunted and tormented by it for the rest of your life, and rightly so. Hang tough. Shun temptation. Read the book, both of ya. Commit to putting into practice that which each of you need from each other. The "Fireproof" movie is a good one too. Get enthused about creating and maintaining a successful loving marriage and family. Reject, repudiate, and exterminate any thoughts of succumbing to failure in that. Do not give in; do not lose the good fight; choose to defeat temptation and achieve victory for yourself and your family. It will be glorious. I promise. Hang tough. Win this fight. You will never regret it. | ||
| Swordsman |
Thanks so much for all the thoughtful responses, guys. I was expecting a lot more "You're an idiot!" Marriage is completely NOT what YOU get out of it I've been following up to this point, but you kind of lost me here. Pammy, I knew someone would bring that up at some point. Happier? In certain ways, probably. But not in others. I don't exactly buy into the whole "soul mate" thing... I don't believe there's only one person in the whole wide world that you're perfectly compatible with. We're all different, so it stands to reason that I could love "X" about one person more than I love "Y" in someone else, and vice-versa. I remember back in high school my English teacher (God rest his soul) was going over a book that involved a nasty love triangle, and he asked the class if you could only love one person at a time. The whole class responded that that was true, and he about flipped his lid. That really stuck with me, because it was a totally alien concept. But as I've gotten older, I've come to agree with my old teacher after all. Love is entirely too complex to be a simple black/white, yes/no situation. The decisions to stay/go, cheat/remain faithful are obviously clear cut, but the emotions that have to be sifted through to reach those decisions seem to be very murky. ~SM | ||
| Swampy |
I am holding my tounge here.....I have started two posts already and cancelled them. All Good advice....I feel for you, good luck. | ||
| Blake |
>>> The whole class responded that that was true, and he about flipped his lid. Then I think his definition of love is different from mine and he is trying to convince others to accept his own failure(s) in life as normal. I reject it. In most marriage vows, we agree to forsake all others. We are either committed to one or we are not. That is marital love. It is the only meaningful love in an intimate relationship. (Message edited by Blake on December 23, 2010) | ||
| Blake |
Oh, I almost forgot... You are in idiot! Just like all us other idiots.  | ||
| Revz |
I am holding my tongue here.....I have started two posts already and cancelled them. I can relate to the quote above. There has been a lot of positive information and suggestions given here. Alright, since I do so well at it, I'll be the bad guy... I will say, as one who has heard and talked to many challenged in marriage, a lot of the same cards always seem to fall out of the hand. (by both men and women) 1) A public confession/advice request of some sort(e.g., usually to selected friends) noting a lack of... well fill in the blank, lost feelings, different love in the past, an intangible zing that's not their partner's fault, emotional disconnect, what if my true soul-mate is out there, on and on. Sometimes self-blame and sometimes self-justification for disconnecting. Usually,(Not always) this all boils down to a search for permission to do what has already been done. 2) A lack of desire to seek counseling, or outside/professional help in any way(Men more averse than women) Usually, if counseling is sought, 4-6 (or even more years) have passed and the actions begging to be approved have already occurred, and the damage fallout is deeply ingrained, entrenched, and extremely difficult for any professional to sort out or work through. 3)Now note that since all the 'generalities' and the 'usuallies' above have been applied with over zealousness and a very wide brush....all that said, every couple's challenges are unique. It appears that it will not just be one person whose life is affected here, but at least three people. And absolutely an entire family will/has be changed in some way. Find a reputable counselor in your area, be honest, and forthright and hopefully they will help you step outside the emotion of today and see the bigger picture for your family. Again hopefully you will find a counselor who will help you to have a positive family relationship moving forward, however that may ultimately manifest itself for the three of you. I beg forgiveness for my unrequested honesty. Blessings as you move forward... REVz (Message edited by revz on December 23, 2010) | ||
| Alii1959 |
One more quick post on this: I remember a woman a few years ago was discussing her marriage and how it had changed after her husband retired from the USN. He had been away nearly 75% of their 20 years together. The kids were grown and they were left with one another. Over breakfast one morning he looked up from his cereal and mentioned to her that he didn't really love her anymore. He didn't even really know her very well. She acknowledged the same. He then did the most remarkable thing. He noted the fact that she had raised two great kids, with little help from him. She had kept the family together regardless of the hardships and therefore must have some remarkable qualities that he no longer noticed. But, he said that they had the one thing upon which they could build a "forever" with....a shared past. They had their kids, their lives, and years pulling together for a common cause. He then did another remarkable thing....he asked her out! They started dating that morning and the love of the past came washing back over them quickly. She was so happy it oozed out of her eyes and smile. That was a wise man. Further, have you seen "Don Juan Demarco", its a Johnny Dep movie that talks about this sort of thing. Might help. | ||
| Fahren |
Don Juan Demarco is a super movie, with Depp, Faye Dunaway and Marlon Brando!!!! But I get the feeling that SM is a bit younger than Brando and Dunaway were in that film. Nevertheless, a great movie to go look for. I was just reading your profile, SM. Have you tried your marriage wearing armor? Does your wife ride? If she doesn't, would she, if you set her up in a MSF class? I really think the idea of dating would be great. Get your head out of the rut it's in, get yourselves way out of any routine you have set up. | ||
| Jerry_haughton |
Rotzaruck, you rock. |
