| Author | Message | ||
     Swordsman |
I'm sure some of you will say this is not the place for such a discussion. And you're probably right. Definitely not a motorcycle topic. However, I've seen several posts on relationships in the past, and I've been fairly impressed with the feedback. So what the hell, I'll try my luck. I dunno how I come across over the Net, but in person, I try my best to be likable. I like to be liked. It bothers me tremendously when I upset someone. I have a knack for being able to put myself in other people's shoes. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, married for 9. She's a great person, and does her best to be a good spouse. We have a little boy that's almost a year and a half old whom I love more than anything. Despite a comfortable home life, I find myself no longer in love. I care about my wife's feelings and well-being, but I'm just not IN love anymore. When I'm gone, I don't miss her at all. And I feel terrible about it. Nothing I do seems to rekindle the spark for more than a day. Without going into detail, I had it chalked up to a lack of "us time" that has left me increasingly frustrated over the years. But even when we do get together, it hasn't helped the overall problem. I'm simply not into this relationship anymore, and I can't reconnect. The only reasons I haven't split yet are my son, and because I'm scared of how bad it would crush her. I don't want to screw up my little boy's life with complicated custody stuff, and I want to be there for him whenever he needs me, which is nigh to impossible living apart. And my wife... she's always said she can't imagine life without me. She's completely devoted. She just lost her father last year, and she gave up her career to raise our son. Abandoning her now is about the worst thing I could do. I feel like the biggest jerk alive. Things would be so much easier if I could just return the sentiment, but I can't control my feelings. I can only suppress, which is what I'm doing now. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I already know the 3 responses: split, hang in there, go see a counselor. I guess I just need to get it off my chest. Sorry about that. It would be nice to hear if anyone else has gone through something similar, and how you handled it. Thanks. ~SM | ||
| Fast1075 |
I was going to say something, but decided my views are obsolete in this day and age. I could say what I would do...but I'm not you...I'll leave it at that. | ||
| Buellerandy |
Definitely try the counseling. Not too sure if posting it on this forum is going to "get it off your chest." Might be something you'll have to discuss with her. Obviously if you tried the counseling she'd have to know regardless I would think. Not sure if I'd be able to keep that hidden from my wife. But atleast its still a comfortable home life for the family. Something to be thankful for and proud of.  | ||
| Britchri10 |
Talk to your wife. communication & honesty are the best ways to work through marital problems. IMHO counseling doesn't help (YMMV). leaving/splitting shows a lack of commitment to the family unit. hanging in there and maintaining the status quo is not gonna help you or your feelings. I've been married over 25 years (most of them happily.) My experience has been that things change constantly in relationships & sometimes not for the better. Be honest with your spouse. tell her how/what you are feeling & really listen to what she says. Also, It's the XMas holiday season. One of the most stressful family times of the year. Please take this into account. Good luck, Chris C | ||
| Pkman |
Keep working at it and enjoy what you can - especially time with your son - it should come back. FWIW from 27 years of marriage | ||
| Hughlysses |
Dude- yesterday was my 30th anniversary. I approached marriage starting out that "Divorce is not an option. If it is, I shouldn't get married". Marriage is work sometime. Get to work. Go see a counselor, whatever it takes. Hang in there. | ||
| Hammer71 |
Been there and done that. Ended up being separated for almost 2 years. Long story short back together and better than before. In hindsight I should have sat down and spoke about it but didnt. Hard work, yes. Worth it, in my case, yes. Only you can decide. Im no counselor by any means but if you want to chat more on the subject PM me. Rich | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
stick it out... We all go thru the grass is greener over there... get bored... its the same thing day in and day out.... but if you take a step back and look what you have, where you have been... I think/hope you will see why you got married in the first place. and think of the retraining process... THAT WOULD SUCK! My wife has me trained... I have her trained and we work together as a team. Believe me, we have wanted to kick each other to the curb more than once, But I'm much happier today than I was over 20 years ago when we first met. | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
and that talking thing... no matter how much it sucks.... and it can SUCK sometimes Is one of the best things you can do. | ||
| Damnut |
If the grass is greener on the other side then someone needs to take care of their own lawn. | ||
| Boogiman1981 |
rekindle that fire. it takes a lot of work even if it 'comes naturally'. my parents are still together i am not for a number of reasons most of which are beyond my control. if there is anything and i mean anything at all that you can do DO IT and do it NOW!! perhaps that could be the Christmas gift to you and her. start dating her again. i know that in my situation that was something that we restarted to try and rekindle and it helped a lot. from what you're describing that may be all you need to get to a new loving place. a trap that i fell into face first was hanging on to what i remembered it being(im young 29) and not being willing/able to let go of that. as we age and esp with another we change and that change needs to be identified and either embraced or corrected depending on whether it's helpful or harmful. | ||
| Swordsman |
I guess I'm just afraid that the feeling is permanent. I don't want to just go through the motions for the rest of my life, y'know? There are certain things we simply DON'T connect on, and never have, and after 11 years it's really starting to wear. In retrospect, I think I married too early. It's like the 7 year itch showing up late and a middle age crisis setting in early, all at once. We had a big discussion a few months back. She knows I'm not satisfied with things as they are, but I don't think she's aware of how seriously it's affecting me because I don't walk around in a funk every day. BTW, I appreciate the respectful feedback a lot. ~SM (Message edited by Swordsman on December 22, 2010) | ||
| Boogiman1981 |
totally with you on the motions concern. and the lack of connection on certain things concern as well. capitalize on the things you do connect on maybe find some new things that you both can connect on. | ||
| Panhead_dan |
Marriage does not come with an instruction book, I wish it had. A marriage grows and changes as time goes on. It goes through stages and it will do this in a positive way if it is based on a strong foundation. That's the key. For your situation now, I think you need to back up a bit and re-establish a firm foundation. First, divorce is not an option. With that stated, what remains? Friendship. By now, your wife should be your best friend. You should have strong bonds of trust and confidence. The spark of the first couple of years may be dim but this stronger, deeper feeling should be filling that void. My advice is to go back and work on that first. The rest will follow. An excellent resource I highly recommend; www.mooreonlife.com LOVE FOR A LIFETIME PO box 14444 Palm Desert CA 92255 I have no affiliation with David Moore except that I bought this and it has truly enriched my marriage and set it on a wonderful course. Do this and win your wife and your life back! Best wishes, Dan and Jana. Edit; just checked the website and this is a more direct link. http://mooreonlife.com/shop/products/Love-For-a-Lifetime-Series.html Also, IT'S ON SALE!! I paid $90 a couple of years ago and would do so again. (Message edited by panhead_dan on December 22, 2010) | ||
| Boogiman1981 |
and for most the 'married to early' is a crutch and the vocalization of the 7yr itch as it were. could be true but more than likely it's not. from what you're describing i'd be willing to bet that the changes of the last few years(kid) is what but the big damper on things. i have 4 so believe me i know. it's hard it's work you cant just come home put your feet up and expect it to work itself out. through out this situation whether you stay or go you will change like it or not. for the three of you i hope that you both are willing to pull your boot straps up and get to work. | ||
| Pwnzor |
Have you tried seeking help from your spiritual leader or even God himself? | ||
| Airwolf |
I've been married for 15 years and can relate to not all fun all the time. Feelings change. Don't rely on them. You are a rational person with freedom to choose. Love is a decision. Get up every day and DECIDE to love your wife. Additionally, you made a promise when you married her. Be a man and keep your word. Talk to her about this. If she is as committed to your marriage as you make it sound, she will want to help you in any way she can. This should make deciding to love her easier! | ||
| Whistler |
There was a point in my 31 year marriage where I felt the same way. I think it was somewhere around the 10 year mark. I was just ready for something or someone different. I tried talking to a relative about it and got very little help. Of course, what could they really say? I never seriously discussed it with my wife but she knew something was bothering me. I ended up sticking it out and over a period of time the wanderlust just kind of evaporated. I know my wife has considered leaving me at times. I am glad she did not. Looking back, I know there is no one else that could have been a better match. I can honestly say that I love my wife and I enjoy being with my wife more now than at any other time in our marriage. I wonder if it would have been different had I spoken to her or gotten good counsel. I probably should have but I didn't and yet here we are, still together and in love. Time and prayer made the difference for me. This has been my experience. | ||
| Strokizator |
Dude, you have a wife and kid who both love you; what else could you want? What else is more valuable? You OWE it to them to give this relationship all the effort you can muster. Man up! This may sound harsh but somebody needs a kick in the pants. As Dr Phil says, "It ain't about yewww!" I just reread your post and one thing that stands out is that you could be suffering from depression. Seek advice from a medical doctor. (Message edited by strokizator on December 22, 2010) | ||
| Moxnix |
First, let's look at the "in love" aspect of any relationship and/or marriage. Please bear with me. You meet a woman, something clicks, that click elevates our levels of dopamine, our neurotransmitters flood the brain and gives us a giddy feeling as we fall in love. The baseline levels of dopamine are changed, that "in love" feeling continues as long as the dopamine keeps working. The trick is to keep it working, which is unusual over the course of years. If modern science could bottle the dopamine, the excitement, we'd all have a different take on our feelings for a spouse. Love. Being "in love" differs from feeling love. We love our children, but we're not in love with them. You probably love your wife, but no longer feel in love with her. Now what? Don't split quite yet. Take the long view on hanging in there. If you find counseling acceptable, give it a shot. And remember, if you don't like the first counselor you deal with, don't be afraid to find another. We here in our house experienced a rough patch when our oldest son was about the same age as yours. I was on the phone to an friend about it. I said I just didn't want to ever have to talk to "her" again. He told me that, since we have a kid, I would have to. A silly point, perhaps, but we find ourselves with the woman in our lives for the long haul, even if apart. Years ago I had a medical situation that could have turned out bad. Overheard my son asking his mother if I was going to die. He expressed to her that he didn't know what he would do if he didn't have a father that loved him. Since then, I've consciously made it a point to express and demonstrate affection to his mother, him and his younger brother. Even when I'm not feeling it. My 2 cents is that you seek counseling on your own, without her, asking from the start for guidance toward an outcome, not a career on the couch. It's going to be okay. The emotional roller coaster ride isn't fun, but it doesn't last forever. | ||
| Johnnymceldoo |
Ending it because you are not giddy in-love would be selfish. You owe your son more than that. Iam sure your a decent guy but make it work and make your son having a stable life a priority. I saw horrible things happen to my friends in high school because their worlds were turned upside down. Two of them continued a spiral until one committed suicide and the other overdosed. Hang in there man and try to rekindle your love. | ||
| Jb2 |
Take it from a guy who's been married almost 34 years... there will be days like these. I no longer look at her and see just her. I see us. The kids swear we are starting to look alike. She is me, I am her. It took a lot of personal battles and hard work to get here. Looking back I remember those times but with a Grandbaby on the way those days seem more distant than ever. Can't say for sure what the answer is only that your family is the most important thing you'll do in your life. In that perspective you might find your answer. Good luck. JB2 (Message edited by jb2 on December 22, 2010) | ||
| Moxnix |
By the way, this IS the place for such discussions. Draw on the experience of people who want to help. It could be that the emotional turmoil of feeling like you are on an emotional cheese grater is the first thing to address. Here's an exercise: Try as hard as you can to feel miserable. No, really. Errrrrrrrr. Errrrrr. Errrrr. If the misery evaporates, you're ready to focus toward a solution. Everyone in this dynamic is going to survive. We do nothing but survive. In our ancestral genes, remember everyone is wired for flight from bad things. My self-diagnosis on me is that I spend too much time and effort intellectualizing problems before looking for a solution. Time is of the essence. Best wishes, relax, make a conscious effort to outwardly express some holiday spirit, perhaps make a resolution to yourself to figure out the answer that fits your needs in the new year. | ||
| Xbrad9r |
Sword, I know how you feel. At about the 11 year mark I split up with my wife because I had all the same feelings that you stated. We talked over the issues that we had and got back together and at times right after I moved back in I wondered if I made the right move. But 8 years has passed since then and February will mark our 20th anniversary and I can truly say I am happier now than I ever have been with her and our relationship and we have a little boy that will turn 3 a week after our anniversary (he is our 2nd, the oldest boy is 14). If you have never watched the movie "Fireproof", I would recommend it. Good luck to you with whatever decision you make and it has to be you that makes it, so I pray that you make the right one. and remember, THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER AT THE HOUSE WITH SEWER PROBLEMS ! | ||
| Fahren |
http://www.amazon.com/He-Understanding-Masculine-P sychology-Perennial/dp/0060963964 Worth every penny of the $6 cost of the book. In all probability, the problem, and therefore the answers, are within you. Not saying it's easy, or that any book, counselor, or talk will be a quick fix. As stated above, it's a process, and it's work. It sounds bad to say "it's work" about your relationship with your life partner, but aren't all good things worth working for? Best of luck to you, and best wishes for a holiday season filled with love and joy. Here's a good Christmas movie to watch with just her: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Actually-Widescreen-Hug h-Grant/dp/B00005JMFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid =1293043057&sr=1-1 | ||
| Toona |
Ditto on Fireproof. It's and excellent movie and there is a study book/guide to go along with it. IIRC, it's a 40 day guide to rekindling what got you two together in the first place, but maybe refocusing "your" priorities into "our" (husband and wife) priorities. You can do it. You can do the study by yourself-that's how the original Fireproof concept was conceived. | ||
| Ulywife |
I once heard it said at a wedding ceremony that it's a physical attraction that brings a couple together. Over time the physical beauty may fade, but the inner connection grows stronger. It's a connection that you have with no one else on this earth. Marriage is not always easy and certainly does not come with directions. It's all about sharing, communication and being connected. M2nc and I try to get away at least once a year for a weekend away. Many times it involves BadWebbers in Suches, GA, but it's time for us to reconnect as a couple. As much as we love our children, we need to keep our relationship alive and healthy. I think one of the most flattering compliments we've received was from Jlnance and Ft_bstrd. They each have told me that it's nice to see a couple that still "likes each other". It's a key piece to keeping your marriage going. We've been married for 21 years. Luckily enough, we had our rough stuff during our 5 years of dating. Anything worth having is worth working at. Many may disagree with me, but the "stay together for the sake of the children" is BS. There is nothing worse than living in a home where there is no love and the parents do nothing but fight. That is no way for a child to be raised. The best thing my parents did was get divorced. They both remarried and had happy lives. My sister and I in return had a good life too once the fighting was not a daily part of our lives. I'm not advocating jump and run before you even try to work things out and find each other again. Your relationship didn't get here overnight, it won't get back on track overnight either. Communication is the key. As many have stated, it's not always easy to say or hear, but it's the key to finding your way out of this funk. What brought you two together? Maybe things have changed, but there has to be something that you both still enjoy doing together. Whatever it is, use that as the reason to spend time together. Before I was riding solo, I loved riding with Carlos on the Uly or M2. While there might not be words exchanged, there was a sense of us being together and no one could come between us. I still like riding with him. I wish you well and good luck on your journey. | ||
| Macbuell |
Put me down as one of those that think this just might be a rough patch, a phase if you will, and to not rush to any decisions. It is perfectly natural for the "passion" to wane a little over time. Especially when you introduce a baby into the relationship. The relationship tends to become all about the child and spouses sometimes forget about the needs of the other spouse and vice versa. I'm of the opinion that most chemistry stems from the bedroom. If you are feeling disconnected, try some stuff to liven things up in the bedroom. I'm not talking about raunchy stuff but things that will increase intimacy and a feeling of closeness. Erotic Message. Role Playing. Stuff like that. There are a ton of books out there on this kind of thing. My wife and I have a tradition of getting each other a "sexy" or "naughty" gift for each other on Christmas. We open the present on Christmas Eve and then try to the stuff out. Last Year I got this book called 101 Night of Passion, or something like that. The book had all these different things to do, some for her, some for me, that were all about pleasing the other partner. It is a great way to have some fun and stay connected. This year I got her a book on erotic messages and a book with 50 prepared fantasy or role playing scenarios. This might be too much for some and sorry if this is too much information but I think it works. I am more excited about this stuff, and all the presents for my son, then I am about anything else I might get under the tree. | ||
| Swordsman |
Ha, good luck with that Mac! I'll admit, that's one of the major issues. Unfortunately it's existed longer than my little boy has, and it's something a book of new tricks isn't likely to remedy.  ~SM | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
One thing for sure... just from the amount of responses you have gotten in this thread should let you know that you are not alone. We have all been there. and as far as the bedroom goes... I don't know any guy that thinks he is getting as much as he should be.... |
