| Author | Message | ||
     Prior |
Everyone, It is hard to send out this final update. It is yet another part of the ‘finality’ phase within the grieving process. However, we want you to know that it has been a privilege to share Matt’s journey with you these past 39 months. We cannot express how grateful we are for all of your support of Matt and us. Thank you for your prayers, and all of the kind wishes. There is no greater gift then to have someone advocate to the creator of the universe on your behalf. The support we have had has been tremendous and very humbling. Someone once said, you can tell a lot about a person by the friends he keeps. Matt was a loyal and strong friend to many, and now that strength has returned to him many times over. And an added bonus: his friends are now a big part of our family. We are so much the richer for that! As the poet puts it, this has been the best of times and the worst of times. We have been so blessed that we are somewhat overwhelmed by it all. There have been so many wonderful comments, as well as many thoughtful acts of kindness! One such example is Matt’s friends from both high school and college have held a series of fundraisers to help towards his cancer related expenses. His fraternity at Kettering University (former GMI) Phi Kappa Alpha, with the guidance of Professor Reginald Bell, is forming an annual scholarship in Matt’s name. The Kentwood Relay for Life will be dedicated to Matt this year, and Lori will be a keynote speaker at the event. Matt was so excited and pleased when he found out that they were dedicating the entire event to him this year! He had the plaque prominently displayed in his room at Hospice. As a wise old southern minister used to say, “if we get any more blessed, I think our ‘blesser’ will break”. Matt is so proud of his friends! Every night his room at Hospice would fill up with friends from high school or college. During the day, his co-workers would come out and visit. One of his best friends since high school came out to visit shortly before Matt went to heaven. He leaned over at the end of his visit and spoke into Matt’s ear… “I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. Especially the times you took my car keys so I couldn’t drive.” Wiping away the tears, he continued “I have a wonderful wife and children because you took those keys, we want to thank you for helping us out and for all the times you have been there for us. I love you man.” Matt’s friends are incredible people who understand true friendship. He modeled what it was to be a friend. There have been many highs and lows on this journey. One mountain top experience happened the Friday night just a few days before he went to heaven. By that time, we had to feed him his food, as his ‘good hand’ just wouldn’t move anymore. He had trouble swallowing and couldn’t use a straw anymore either, so we gave him his liquids through a syringe. His ability to speak was gone. He would whisper, but it was next to impossible to understand what he was saying. The brain was shutting down his body. So on this beautiful Friday night, we had the Tigers on TV and I was spoon-feeding him some pudding. We were cheering him on, to get him to open his mouth far enough to feed him, likewise to chew. It was similar to feeding a young toddler. You have to remind them to open up and chew. “Come on Matty, chew, chew, chew!” when all of a sudden he looked right at me and clearly said, “you are so annoying”… I was absolutely floored and in my delight of hearing his voice said, “what did you say??” He said, “Dad you are as annoying as all get out!!” I laughed and started speaking a million miles an hour…. “ that is great!!!! Wow, okay… you are talking… okay cool!!! I am so sorry that I am so annoying… I‘m just trying so hard, because I care so much, because I love you so much… okay we need a signal Matt, we need a signal for the next time I get annoying, just give me the signal and I will back off. What is the signal… what is a good signal”? I then did a bunch of hand gestures and he just raised his good hand ever so slightly and made a simple motion. “Great that will work!” I then said “I have something to say to you… Matt, I am so sorry that I was not a better Dad.” He looked at me sort of surprised and maybe a little bit perplexed… “I am so sorry that we were afraid you would get hurt if you played hockey and all that… I am so sorry that I wasn’t a better Dad. You were our first born and we did what we knew to do and tried to be the best we could be for you, but I wish we could have done more and better”. I then laid my head on his chest and said “I love you so much…I am so sorry” He then lifted his hand and gently patted me on my head and whispered, “you were a great Dad”. What a wonderful and gracious thing for him to say. I couldn’t fix his medical condition, and this was indeed backwards in the order of things, Dads or Moms are supposed to be sick in bed like this, not kids. I felt so helpless. I at least wanted him to know that although he had a great childhood, and a very comfortable life as an adult, I wish that we could have somehow enriched it more. But here we were… me with sword in hand, but I couldn’t save him. And I love him so much; it was first moment I realized that I would soon be laying down my sword. I will never forget that tremendous moment. As far as the worst of times… you can imagine the sense of loss we are experiencing. Matt was a bigger than life, a true alpha male. He made his presence known wherever he went, with whomever was in the room. He loved to be with people and often provoked the fun. These past two weeks have been pretty weird. After 6 months of being with Matt everyday… all day, his absence is deafening. We do not grieve Matt’s ‘death’ inasmuch as the Christian perspective of the word death means ‘separation from God’ and we know he is with God in heaven, however, like many of you, we miss him tremendously. I recently went to his house, walked in his bedroom and picked up his pillow and blanket just to experience his scent once again. By the way, everyone has his or her own unique scent, and his is comforting to me. It took me back a few months. Matt was the second voice I heard most every morning, Lori being the first, or her cat wanting to be fed. Matt couldn’t sleep much past 5:30am so he would wait until he knew I was up at 6:30. He would call me nearly each and every morning… just to remind me to bring him his icy-mocha and whole grain bagel from the Bagel Beanery by his house. When I would arrive at his house, he would be in the kitchen waiting for me, that crooked grin on his face asking me if I remembered to get his cream cheese to go with the bagel or give me the statistical highlights of the Tigers game the night before. As time went on he would be in his chair when I arrived, as walking to the kitchen was tough for him. And finally, he would be on the side of his bed waiting for me to arrive, as he couldn’t get up very well without help (although he would never admit it and was very reluctant to use the help). He was very independent to the end. As I sat on the edge of his bed, taking in the sights, sounds and smells of his world there I realized that I am going to really miss everything about him. The grieving process has just begun for me. Lori started two years ago, and so she is much further along then I am. Don’t misunderstand; it has been very tough for her too, as well as it has been very difficult experience for the boys. It is just that as warriors, we tend to focus on the battle at hand and not think too much about loss coming later. Losing is not an option. Now the ‘later’ is here… and my reason for fighting is gone … I am not ready to quit just yet. I am not sure I even know how to quit… We held a family meeting the day after Matt passed away. Lori and I felt it important for Dan, Tim, and Scott to understand that we do not expect anyone to fill Matt’s shoes…. And, to know that Matt could not fill any of their shoes either. We are all who we are. That is enough. Matt is still the eldest son and always will be. And like wise… they are still who they are, being unique and special. They need to grow into who they are destined to be, and not try to be Matt. We are not going to build a shrine in our home to Matt, or pretend he is still with us somehow. He has left this earth, but he will stay in our hearts until we meet him again in heaven! Matt has great brothers; Dan, Tim and Scotty. Matt has a great Mom who dug in from the very start and spent hours upon hours doing research to help us understand more about this disease. She not only impacted his care but also had a positive impact on others. She took him to Gilda’s club every other week for the brain tumor support group. And thanks to her wonderful employer, Alticor, she was able to be with Matt the entire 3 ½ weeks at Hospice. She is a great Mom. Each of the boys has handled Matt’s illness and passing with grace and courage. Each has made sacrifices to spend quality time with Matt. There were many acts of kindness too. One such act was by Timmy. He worked day and night to rebuild the engine in Matt’s hotrod and get it on the road the weekend before Matt went to heaven. We, of course, had no idea the end was that close. Just two days before Matt passed away, Timmy brought hotrod out to Hospice. Matt couldn’t see it, but could sure hear it. It is a sweet sound to any gear head. The sound of that machine brought a big smile to Matt’s face. What a blessing that was for him! So how does one move on? I have no clue. Fortunately, God doesn’t require us to know. I am not sure how we even fought the fight for 39 months, somehow with God’s help you just do. I guess the ‘fighting the good fight’ part, and the ‘moving on’ part are similar. Both are tough unknowns … it causes you to dig down deep and find things in yourself (and each other) that you didn’t know were there. It causes you to rely on your faith for direction, strength and hope. It really just boils down to putting one foot in front of the other, and prayerfully following your instincts. Life is a wonderful mystery. What have we learned through all of this? Tons of things! Too many to list here, however there are two things worth noting: first, God is much bigger then we ever give Him credit for, and He cares for us in ways we cannot imagine. Secondly, Life is what you make it. It is tough, but it is very precious … and it is indeed short. Life is full of choices, and we are defined by the choices we make. Even if you live to be 100, in the total scheme of things (eternity) this life is but a twinkle of an eye. I know in my own life, I have wasted way to much time worrying about things of little or no consequence. I am going to work on that one! Matt was great guy, far from perfect, but a great guy non-the-less and a good example for us all. He really lived life! Even when he was sick. He stayed a loyal and true friend even when he could hardly contribute to the friendship… only through whispers… constantly fiddling with technology and working things so he could stay in touch with the outside world and his friends. He took risks. He stepped out of his comfort zone, he was courageous on many levels. He knew the key to having the lifestyle he wanted hinged on getting a good education, and pursuing a vocation that was also a passion. He applied to and went to a very tough school … with tons of determination graduated with honors! He played hard. He was the life of many parties. He worked hard, he wanted everything with his name on it to be perfect so that someone else down the line would not have to spend extra time fixing his mistakes. He had pride in himself. He was compassionate. He was generous… with his time and his money. He once gave a nearly orphaned friend his brand new suede coat (that he all but wore to bed and just had to have it to wear that winter)… so that his buddy would have a warm coat that winter. He spent hours building relationships that would last a lifetime. He put all of himself into his endeavors, rarely doing anything half baked… whether it was sports, work, church, or being an ‘uncle’ to his best friend’s new baby boy. Life is to be lived, to be enjoyed… the good and the bad. Matt loved his life and was proud of it. We love Matt and are so very proud of him. As I finally lay down my sword… I can only say thank you. Thank you to you for your support, thank you to our boys for being such courageous, fine young men, thank you to Lori for her courage and for being there for the rest of us as well as tending to Matt’s needs, and thank you to God for loaning Matt to us for 28 years! Mitch and family P.S. There are many new photos on Matt’s website… just click on: www.flickr.com/photos/team_matt_ware You will notice the icons on the right side of the page, you can click on any of those and see only the photos associated with that particular event, i.e., the pasta dinner, fun at the car wash, building the ramp at Matt’s house, football at Alma with Matt, last year’s Relay For Life and many more. Check it out and enjoy! I have my own bit of wrap up to do as well, but for now, thank you all for being with us for the past 3 and a half years and for all of the prayers, thoughts and contributions. We are a great group! Alex | ||
| Jerry_haughton |
tears of sadness, tears of joy, mostly lots and lots of tears. thank you Alex, thank you Mitch and Lori. mostly, thank you Matt. ride in peace, and know we are all better for having known you, or known OF you. FB&D | ||
| Sanchez |
That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. | ||
| Milo_h |
I was at work when I first started reading Mitch's post. I had to stop after the first few words. Now I am at home, where the tears can flow as freely as they need. These tears are for sorrow, for joy, for friendship, for those gone before. That is one "POWERFUL" post. Peace Milo | ||
| Ulywife |
The strength of Mitch and Lori simply amazes me. Thanks for sharing the update Alex. (Message edited by Ulywife on May 24, 2007) | ||
| Oldog |
Thanks Alex / Mitch | ||
| Bcordb3 |
Peace | ||
| Buellgirlie |
thank you for sharing matt  with us. D | ||
| CJXB |
That is one "POWERFUL" post. Ditto, it's hard to read and you can't finish it in one read, can't read through tears, thanks so much for sharing and God Bless !! |
