| Author | Message | ||
     Vegasbueller  |
INDUHVIDUALS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: When I lived in a semi-rural area. I had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. ********** INDUHVIDUALS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. ********** INDUHVIDUALS SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." ********** INDUHVIDUALS SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" ********** INDUHVIDUALS SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. ********** INDUHVIDUALS SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. ********** INDUHVIDUALS SIGHTING: When my girlfriend and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up her car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." (Message edited by court on January 23, 2005) | ||
| Ray_maines  |
None of that is true of course, but pretty funny anyway. | ||
| Blake |
Call me over-sensitive, but the above is offensive to me, and I sure as hell am no politically correct fool. I know families who have mentally handicapped children. How about substituting a sarcastic "genius" in place of "TARD" and "Retarted"? An, uh, btw... it would be "retarded."   Shoot, that's funnier than the jokes! | ||
| Evaddave  |
I think a lot of these were taken from The Dilbert Newsletter by Scott Adams. In his version, the people are called "Induhviduals." | ||
| Vegasbueller |
See..rednecks can be entertaining...just ask Blake! Actually...seriously...if that offended anyone I apologize. It was a copy and paste from another group that I frequent. Blake, you da man with da judgement. Delete it if you want.  | ||
| Court |
No charge to the calling party.....I too was mildly offended, while at the same time giggling "I KNOW some of those folks" to myself. I did a slight edit. Hope I offended no one. Court | ||
| Aydenxb9 |
O.K., this is a real-life moment. I was a service adviser for a large Chrysler-Plymouth dealership in Cincinnati. The dealers' write up area was an enclosed, two lane, four car deep part of the building with two garage doors at each end. It was winter and about mid-afternoon. I'm on the phone at the desk with a customer when another customer sounds his horn to be let in. I raise the doors and there's a T-bird being driven by an elderly gentleman. I motion him to pull in as I'm still talking on the phone. He pulls the car about half way through the door, stops, and motions "where do I go?" I point to the other end of the bay. He's in the lane farthest from the write up desk. He pulls in then proceeds to turn the car left and jockies it around until it's ninety degrees to the lanes with the front bumper touching the write-up desk. He wanted a body shop estimate. Same dealership. Cars parked out front left overnight. New at the time K-car with the drop envelope saying nothing but "car making a noise". I jump in the car, start it and it sounds like it's coming apart. Shut it off quickly, have it pushed through into a bay and looked at first. The oil pan had been ripped off the engine. Called the customer, tells a story of how he mis-judged an intersection and straddled a concrete lane divider. He noticed a noise as he drove on, so he thought he might need to bring it in. I asked how far he drove it like that, and the location he gave me was nearly ten miles from the dealer. He wanted to know if it was covered under the warranty. Another customer with a Horizon. Brings it in hammering pretty bad. 60,000mi. still under warranty. We pull it in pull the pan and sludge 3 inches think. Oil had never been changed or checked. Call the customer back, tell them the engine is shot but it won't be covered under warranty due to obvious neglect. Customer got mad because they didn't think they needed to do any of that because it was warranted. Claimed would NEVER buy another Plymouth. | ||
| Tank_bueller  |
Me and a buddy are hangin' out at my house when the phone rings. My buddy answers the phone, and it's his girlfriend. She asks him, "Where Are You?" | ||
| Leftcoastal  |
Whittier CA earthquake hits at around 7:30 AM - about 40 miles from my cabinet shop. We all show up at 8:00 or so and start picking up all the stuff that fell. My buddy Skeeter calls from New York to see if we're OK. One of my employees asked "How'd he know about the earthquake so fast?" I tell him "He's in NY - they are 3 hours ahead." Employee, looking like he just realized something important goes "Oh - Yea" | ||
| Leftcoastal |
Rocket Scientist at Work Dept. Back in my "chopper days" (early 70's) I showed up at a friends house to go riding. He was busy with a mid '50's H-D frame, installing a schrader valve and pressure testing the frame for leakage. I asked why. He was going to get the frame airtight, so he could fill it with helium. "Gonna make it lighter, Al!" | ||
| Bluzm2  |
A good friend of mine was leaving a large local shopping center (Ridgedale to be exact). As he is walking to his car he sees a young lady standing beside a car and in tears. He stops and asks what the problem is and can he help. She is young, maybe 16 or 17, says she's late getting home and her folks are going to be very pissed and take away her driving privelages. She goes on to say she can't get into the car, the locks won't open. She demonstrates by hitting the remote unlock repeatedly. My friend asks her "Have you tried the key?" She looks at him like he's crazy and says "Huh? What do you mean?". He takes the keys from her, inserts the key into the lock and unlocks the the door, then hands her the keys. She was speechless. She thanked him, hopped in and drove off. He should have asked her if her Dad ever showed her how to change a tire. I doubt it... | ||
| New12r  |
I had a customer on Friday that claimed the rear heat did not come from the vents in the roof. While looking at the picture on the rear heat controls it shows a blue line with an arrow pointing at the face from the roof, the other option to select is a red line with an arrow pointing at the feet from the floor. Upon reading the manual just to make sure, only A/C comes from the roof and falls, the heat comes from the floor and rises. Now the customers have had the van for over 25,000 miles and still did not know this even with the photo on the control! Another is a guy blew out the wheel cylinders, covered the brake shoes in brake fluid ruining the shoes and warping the drums so bad they needed replacement all from driving with the parking brake on 500 miles or so, Honda covered it under warranty. I have many more but need to rest up, hope you enjoy. | ||
| Doughnut  |
Future sister-in-law,(20), calls me up and tells me she has a flat and would I come help her. I ask her if she has a spare in the trunk. She says no. Knowing her, I ask if she looked under the carpet in the trunk. She tells me there isn't a bump under the carpet.  | ||
| Blublak  |
Years ago.. while working in a auto dealers parts dept. Had a customer call and ask for the price of a tune up kit for his car. The conversation went something like this.. Me - Hello, may I help you? him - I need a tune up kit for my car. Me - What kind of car? him - Four door. Me - What make sir? him - Uh.. Where does it say that? Me - Can you see the car sir? him - Of course, I'm in the garage on my wireless phone. Me - just read me the badgeing off the car please. him - Templeton! (the name of a local dealer) Me - Is it an Oldsmobile sir? him - Yeah, it's a Templeton Oldsmobile, good guess! Me - What year is it? (not like I expected him to know) him - Uh, I guess about six or so. Me - Ok, so it's an early eighties car? What engine? him - Gas. Me - Sir, can you see the VIN? If you would read it too me I can get you all your parts in just a few minutes. him - Where's that written? Me - Look through the windshield on the drivers side, it's on a small plate at the base of the dash. him - I'm sorry, I had the glass replaced a year ago so it's not the original. Me - ?!?!?!?!?!?! Uh, sir, how many cylinders is the engine? him - How can I tell? Me - How many wires on the distributor? him - The what? Where's that? (After talking him to the cap, under the hood) him - Oh cool! It's a nine cylinder! Me - Sir, are you sure you want to do this work yourself? him - Of course, it's simple, I'll just pour it in and let it mix for a while. Me - Huh? him - So, do you have any more asinine questions or are you ready to ship it too me? Me - Fine sir, how would you like to pay for that? him - Warranty. Believe it or not, he lived about twenty minutes from the dealer, and of course ended up coming in. Hadn't a clue when I handed him a box full of parts like plugs, wires, air & oil filters, oil, cap, rotor, plugs (you get the idea)in exchange for his cash. I never saw or heard from him again, but I talked to a buddy at another dealer that ended up hearing from him. Seems that after pouring 4 quarts of 10W40 into his gas tank .. something went wrong with his tune up and he wanted to raise hell over my selling him the wrong 'tune up fluids' and a whole bunch of useless other junk that didn't have anything to do with tuning up his car! Ok, I'm done.. That was a true story.. really.. I couldn't have made it up if I tried.. Later, | ||
| Blackbelt  |
It is really scary that there are people like this that are walking and DRIVING! you need to have an IQ and COMMON SENSE test before leaving your frigging HOUSE!!!  | ||
| Djkaplan  |
True story - before getting a vasectomy, a nurse hands a cup to a patient and tells him to go into the bathroom and provide them with a sample. He comes back a few minutes later and hands the cup back to the nurse. She looks at the cup, grabs another one and says, "No, we need a URINE sample". | ||
| Sleez  |
"i have a leak, need stop leak" so i sold him some bar's stop leak (he wanted 4!!) for his radiator, he comes back in 5 minutes later ready to fight! "my engine stopped, you killed it!" all in a very strong mexican accent mind you. so i go outside and look at his 75 cadillac, smoke pouring out from underneath the engine, i asked him where did you put the "stop leak", he points to the oil fill tube!!! he tried to get the manager to pay for a long block, that didn't happen, but he did buy one 2 days later!! true story, from all auto parts on 124 s bristol in santa ana, ca around 1986 luckily we all packed heat on our hips, store policy! | ||
| Doughnut |
Woman today was mad at me for selling her a cork screw that didn't work. The wine bottle was a twist cap. | ||
| U4euh  |
I was a manager at AutoZone for the last 11 and half years. The stories like above are not uncommon on a daily basis. My favorite still has to be a lady who wondered the store for about an hour. Looking confused, she finally came to the counter and said that her husband had sent her to get a part. I ask what it was and she handed me a piece of paper that her husband had written. On it said" 1-CockSocket,& 1-bottle of lubricant for insertion,& 1-pry bar" After going to the office to laugh my Arse off, I went out to tell her that we did not carry that particular brand of "cocksockets" She then ask where she should go, I told her to call her husband and have him tell her where to go. After getting on the phone she said a few things then turns blaze red, handed the phone back and stormed out of there muttering the words "I am gonna kick his @$$" | ||
| M2nc |
Hey Carlos, check if the muffler is tight! | ||
| Nedwreck  |
My family has a get together at a restaurant we all like. My brother in law is late. We find out there's a 2 hour wait at the restaurant so we go to another one. We're all sitting in the second restaurant when bro in law calls my sister on her cell phone to find out where we are. She tells him and puts the phone back in her purse. My mom asks "How did he know where we are?" She's 80 so cut her some slack. Bob | ||
| Newblaster  |
A friend was moving away, so we went to the local liquor store to buy some cheap champagne (this was in Huntsville, AL). I proceeded to have a 5-minute discussion with the girl behind the counter over whether or not I needed to buy a corkscrew. She was convinced that I would need one, because "that's wine, right? You always need a corkscrew for wine..." Finally, after deciding I was just a cheapskate (and an uncivilized one at that), she gave it to me for free. Funnily enough, I still have that corkscrew... | ||
| Slaughter  |
I was in line at Home Depot. Checkout put me face to face with true genius. I had a $20 on a purchase of something like $17.20 She starts to ring it up and I reach in my pocket and pull out two dimes. She tells me it's too late, she's already rung it up!!! Little later, I'm back for some 2-foot cut sticks of 1/2 inch re-bar. It's only available in 2, 4, 6 and 10 foot lengths. I'm there at the same checkstand with my pile of 2-foot sticks and she had to MEASURE them - I guess to make sure I wasn't trying to sneak some 4-footers through her register by telling her they were 2-foot long??? (yeah, I know about women and lies about length but REALLY now) | ||
| Timbo  |
The day before Christmas we found out some additional relatives would be joining us at my sisters house the next day. Wanting to have gifts for everyone, my wife runs out to get the young boys gift cards to a video game chain store. Betty returns home, later than expected, flustered at how long and difficult it was to get the transaction completed. Said the computers were not working and wouldn't take the bank card, and the girl had to keep trying over and over and over again until it finally went through. Yesterday we got our bank statement for last month, I always review it. What do I see? The same charge, from the same store repeated halfway down an entire page! Yep, the video game store. Trying not to get really mad, we jump in the truck and drive over to the store. Fortunately the same girl and manager were working and remembered my wife from that day. They have promised to get it corrected. I had to cut the girl some slack, she was 1; new to her job, 2; young (maybe twenty) 3; very apologetic/cute, and the clincher 4; she rides a motorcycle. It was the only vehicle in front of the store and when asked, got excited to tell me yes it was hers and how much she loves it (not a Buell, Kawi Ninja). Guess I'm just a sucker for an excited cute young girl who likes to ride. It was better than getting mad anyway. Now they just better fix it. | ||
| Mr_grumpy  |
Mid 90s, Taco Bell, Austin TX, I get my chicken burrito & change, the girl says, "have a nice day, missing you already" to which I reply in my best English southern git accent, "how can you be missing me already? we don't know each other & I've not even left yet!" This unfortunately bamboozled the duty brain cell & she called the manager, who (after I had explained what happened) asked me to leave for insulting one of his staff. I had a little difficulty doing so as I was crying with laughter all the way out. My English mate who's a plumber & married a texican girl told me I was lucky not to get shot.  | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Dumbness is International; I had to collect 4 TV studio cameras to take to England from a company called THOMSON broadcast systems, part of a very well known group selling electrical goods here in France. As it was a high value load I had to fill in a form with all the vehicle & shipping references etc, the last thing being my name & signature; The shipping manager watched me fill the form in & when I'd written my name, which is by chance Thomson, he grabbed the paper, ripped it up & gave me a new one, telling me it was my name I had to write not the Company's. I said, yes I understood & did it all again, as I get to my name he again grabs the sheet shreds it ,& gives me another. this time getting a bit agitated. We go through this twice more. He's now howling with rage at this stupid Englishman who keeps grinning & saying it's his name. In the end he go's to find someone who speaks English & comes back with a rather nice young lady who speaks less English than I do French. I Explain to her what's happened & she doesn't believe me either. So just as the shipping manager looks like he's about to explode into small pieces, I pull out my passport & sign his paper. He deflated in front of me just like on the cartoons, as if he'd been stuck with a pin. It's still one of the funniest things I've ever seen. | ||
| Light_keeper |
1. Several years ago when returning from Las Vegas after a convention, I arrived at the Airport. Checked in and was told to take my luggage to the x-ray. It was put thru the machine and the alarm went off. It seems that there were explosives indicated. I was not aloud to open the bag but had to give the keys to the inspector. They went all thru my stuff and only found the magazine I had bought for the flight. I had mistakenly put it in my bag and not carried it. It was swabbed down opened shook re x-rayed and nothing found. I told them that I had intended to read it on the flight but was told that I could not have it after it had been tested. they put it back in my bag and sent the bag along. Hummmmmm I guess it was explosive reading. I did find out later that the nitrates in the ink used for the colors sometimes tripps the sensors off. After passing thru security and awaiting my flight departure I was selected to be randomly checked again. the (we must be PC here) person doing the checking was not looking at who was in the line to be checked or atleast not very closely. I was told to remove my shoes and lift my pant leggs above my sox. I was wearing shorts and sandles. When the person heard the line of passengers start to giggle she spun around and demanded I remove my shoes at once or I would be removed from that flight. I took my sandles off and handed them to her. they were inspected twisted searched for hidden compartments etc. I was searched for hidden items as well. I guess you can hide lots of things in shorts and t-shirts. The odd thing is they did not go thru my back pack at all. | ||
| Blublak |
Airports.. Sometimes I really wonder.. Ok, here's a couple.. When my mother in law died, we were visiting my side of the family in Detroit. So, after a fast call to the airline, we were booked for a flight to Miami. At the airport, we were 'randomly' selected for extra searches (since we were traveling on short notice it happened at every airport that trip). While my wife fumed, I stood there, with some nimrod waving a metal detector over my left hand, trying to figure out why it was beeping every time he passed over the gold ring on my finger... My wife was asked if she had anything in her bag that she hadn't put in there, when she said no, they asked if she was sure. She replied affirmatively. They asked her what? She said what? They, getting quite agitated, demanded she tell them what was placed in the bag that she didn't know about.. ?? This took a few minutes to straighten out.. Passing though security, I placed my metal belongings in the tray and walked through the arch. They froze on my tray and slid it aback and forth about a dozen times, I know, I was standing there watching them. Finally, they let the tray come out and one of them grabbed my wallet and looked at the badge inside. Screwed up his face, looked at me.. Then declared I would have to wait while airport police were called. I asked what was going on while I got searched again.. They stated that I was being checked for a firearm. (I had just walked through and they had x-rayed my carry on).. When airport PD showed up they stated that I should be arrested for impersonating a police officer. !?!?!WTF?!?!?. The rent-a-moron pointed to my badge and stated it was obviously a fake state police badge. I'm from Virginia, the words ‘State Police’ appear nowhere on it and I was in Ohio. The PD looked over my creds and asked me why I'd told the single celled organism behind the x-ray machine I was an Ohio Trooper.. I replied truthfully, I never said anything about my job to any of them. Was I transporting a firearm? No. Twenty minutes later, PD let me go.. Much to TSA's consternation.. Travelling for work, coming home from up North by plane, I went up to the check in at the regional airport and showing my credentials, stated I needed to declare. (A standard procedure while traveling with a firearm) She asked 'declare what' and not even thinking, I told her 'my firearm'.. She then screamed.. "YOU'VE GOT A GUN!!!" All hell broke loose, alarms sounded, people scrambled screaming for their lives and I must have had a look like someone had just farted in my face. I didn't even put my creds away, when PD came rushing up.. cars, foot patrol, I think they even called out the SWAT team. I missed my flight while it was all cleared up. And the air head behind the counter? I have no idea, she vanished and I didn't see her again. Just proof, there are those that never think, even if they should.. Later, | ||
| Midknyte |
Just proof, there are those that never think, even if they should.. No. Are incapable of thinking... | ||
| Slaughter |
Airport stupidity happens both sides of the "velvet ropes" (good story Blublak by the way - unfortunately all too believable) I'm going up north only a couple days after Richard Reed (the nutcase "shoe bomber" ) I'm always ready in line - holding my boots with all my stuff - wallet, watch, belt buckle - inside Keep in mind, at this time we're talking uniformed National Guard - M-16's - not the semi-comatose help now on station. This drunk/rowdy-assed idiot behind me asks why I'm holding my boots and I start to explain that because of the metal in the eyes and rivets, the boots often trip the sensors so I just take them off... This freaking IDIOT then asks in a LOUD VOICE (we're only maybe 10 feet from the National Guard at the walk-through scanner... this idiot says (remember: drunk and loud) - "Like I'm gonna have a BOMB in my shoes!" All I could do was watch as 4 pairs of eyes attached to trained brains snapped our way. I wanted to be very small and very far away from this fool. Don't know where he came from but ON MY PLANET we don't kid around about that stuff. I quickly passed through the checkpoint and last I saw, he was seated and talking to 2 uniformed Guardsmen and one guy in a suit. I couldn't board the plane quickly enough. (Message edited by slaughter on January 26, 2005) | ||
| Leftcoastal |
Years ago I went onto a bank to cash a check. This is well prior to the advent of ATMs. I got up to the teller and wrote & signed the check - it was one of my own checks, which I made out to "cash". . He looked something up, and came back to me saying there was a problem - since it wasn't my usual branch, they didn't have my signature on file and couldn't verify it. He got flustered when we couldn't find an easy solution and called his manager over. She told him what to do. He handed me a piece of paper and asked me to sign it, which I did. He compared the 2 signatures, as did the manager - both found them to be a perfect match, and so cashed the check! AL | ||
| Aesquire  |
Pt 1 I had a route that had me passing through the checkpoint every day at the courthouse. After 6 months, the guard suddenly notices on the x ray machine, that I have a hand cuff key in my wallet. As 4 very irate deputies start winding up on me with all the reasons I should not bring one into the courthouse ( some good, some bogus ), I tell them I "work security at Pennsic". Oh. Now it's all smiles, and they wave me through. Pt 2 ( what I did not tell the nice deputies ) I work security and med staff at Pennsic. 14,000 renfair types, in a 2 week party. It can get wild. One night at 3am my partner ( a 5'4" cute brunette ) and I come upon a nude guy hand cuffed to a tree. He told us, "but she was such a nice girl". That's why I carry a key. |
