| Author | Message | ||
     Daves |
The Kitchen Bitch... A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...." | ||
| BadS1 |
LOL!!!!! | ||
| Naughtynurse |
too funny!!!! | ||
| Ingemar |
Bwaahaaahaaa!  | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Nice | ||
| Tripp |
Q: why is a brides wedding dress white A: so the "dishwasher" matches the fridge and the stove! hehehe | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's teenage daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!" | ||
| Rek |
A fellow gets pulled over by a Texas trooper one day. "Congradulations sir," the officer tells him. "I've stopped you today because you were wearing your seatbelt. As a reward for that I'm presenting you w/ a $5000.00 check courtesy of the State of Texas." He hands the man his money and then asks, "so what do you plan to spend it on?" The driver thinks a minutes and says, "I think I'll use the money to get my driver's liscense." His wife leans over from the passenger side just then and tells the officer, "Oh don't listen to him, sir, he's always smarting off when he's drunk." A moment later a man passed out in the back seat sits up, sees the trooper and moans, "Oh man, I told you we wouldn't get away with stealing this car!" Soon after that a scrambling noise is heard in the trunk and a voice in Spanish says, "Are we over the border yet?" (Message edited by rek on October 25, 2004) | ||
| Biknut |
a man is riding on his new xb12r. he gives it a little gas and gets it up to about 80 mph. he thinks wow this is easy, so he decides to give it a little more gas. now he's doing 100 mph, and he thinks, wow this fun. lets see how fast it will go, so he whacks the throttle all the way. now he's doing almost 140 mph when he sees a state trooper behind him with his lights on pulling him over. the trooper walks up and says that his shift is over in 10 minuets and will let the guy go with a warning if he can come up with a excuse he's not heard before. the man then tells the trooper that a couple of weeks ago his wife ran off with a state trooper and he thought he was trying bring her back. the man got the warning. | ||
| Midknyte |
and here I thought the punchline would have involved the ability of a 12R doing 140 mph  good one though, made me giggle. | ||
| Biknut |
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and Orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight a the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa....... Go home, you're drunk! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Politics A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now," The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep ••••." | ||
| Ingemar |
A young trooper pulls over this tough biker for speeding. Trooper: Can I see your license please? Biker: I don't have a license sir. Trooper: Oh ... Do you have the papers for the bike then? Biker: No sir. I just stole the bike, but I did see some papers in the left sadle bag when I put my gun in there. Trooper: You got a gun in your left sadle bag? Biker: Yes. It didn't fit in the right because that's where I put all my cocaine. Trooper: What?!? You got cocaine in there too? The young trooper hastes to his car to call for reinforments and soon enough a more experienced officer comes to the scene. Officer: Can I see your license? Biker: Sure. Here it is. Officer: Can you slowly open your left sadle bag? Biker: Well of course. Officer looks in an empty sadle bag, and the same happens for the right sadle bag. Officer: Why then was I called to the scene and told that you have no drivers license, riding a stolen bike, and are hiding a gun and cocaine in your sadle bags? Biker: Dunno, but I bet you were told I was speeding too! | ||
| Phonemanjustin |
A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off. Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop it'll simply never be the same again!" After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F**king hell!" he screams. "Where's my Rolex?!" | ||
| Phonemanjustin |
American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex- lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with mem- bers of the opposite sex with out spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inex- plicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: the konsumshun of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe reel gude | ||
| Black_sunshine |
What's a serial killer's best pickup line? "Excuse me....does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?" How do you make Winnie the Pooh very mad? Stick two fingers in his honey! | ||
| Biknut |
an american wrestler is about to compete in the Olympics against a russian wrestler for the gold metal. before stepping into the ring the american's trainer gives him his final instructions. now remember, our research has shown that this russian is famous for his pretzel hold. whatever you do, don't let him get you in his pretzel hold. he's never lost a match when he gets the other wrestler in the pretzel hold. the american nods and climbs into the ring. the wrestlers shake hands and the bell rings starting the match. for a few seconds the wrestlers circle around looking for an opening. all of a sudden the russian lunges at the american and gets him in the pretzel hold. the americans trainer looks on in horror. he knows it's all but over and closes his eyes so he won't have to see, but suddenly there is a loud cry from the ring. the trainer looks up just in time to see the russian flying up in the air and landing flat on his back just as the american falls on him, pining him for the win. as the american and his trainer are walking back to the dressing room the astonished trainer can't contain himself anymore and asks, how did you get out of that pretzel hold? know body has ever got out of the pretzel hold before. the wrestler says, well, when he got me in that pretzel hold i thought i was a goner, but at the last second i opened my eyes and saw a pair of testicles right in front of my face so with my last bit of strength i stretched out my neck out and i bit those suckers with all my might. the trainer said , so that's what did it for you? well no, said the wrestler, but you'd be surprised how much strength you get if you bite your own testicles. | ||
| Biknut |
the final round of the national championship poetry contest was down to the last two contestants. one, a liberal arts graduate student from yale, and the other, a redneck cowboy from east texas. the judges explain that each contestant will have two minuets to compose a poem that has the word timbuktu in it. both contestants will then recite their poem for the judges, who will then decide which one will be the winner. the graduate student gets to be first up. he confidently strides up to the microphone. and he recites, slowly across the desert sands trekked the lonely caravan camels walking two by two destination timbuktu. the spectators started clapping furiously. everyone thought there's no way the redneck cowboy could win, but when the noise settled down enough the cowboy calmly walked up to the microphone and without hesitation recited, me and tim a hunting went met three whores in a pop up tent they was three and we was two so i bucked one and timbuktu the crowd went wild and the cowboy won it. |
