| Author | Message | ||
     Whodom |
All of you who do your own wrenching will appreciate these.... ---------------------- Tools 101 The purpose of tools: HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leather goods. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch" HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the fender. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off of a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY Hydrometer: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. | ||
| Rek |
One more; PIPE WRENCH: An adjustable wrench used to crush, mangle or otherwise deform recalcitrant tubing. Can also be used to replace HAMMER after said tool has been tossed across the shop in a fit of anger. | ||
| Davegess |
This piece seems to appear on this board and others about twice a year and is very funny. It never says so but this was written by Peter Egan of Cycle World many years ago. I the guy had a nickel for every time it has been posted on the net he would never have to worry about the cost of new Ducati again. | ||
| Whodom |
It occurred to me it was likely a reprint. Egan is one of my favorites; it seems like something he would write. | ||
| Ted |
I knew I was using em right ! "the right tool for the right job" Phfffft ! | ||
| Djkaplan |
I worked as an engineer in a manufacturing plant. I once saw a guy trying to hammer a nut off with..., well, a hammer. The next bay over, I say a guy hammering some sheet metal with a wrench. | ||
| Road_thing |
Dj, those guys are both card-carrying graduates of the Road_Thing University of Shade-Tree-Mechanic-ing. The guy using the wrench probably had an advanced degree! rt | ||
| Aesquire |
Favorite all time tool is the Starrett aluminum hammer with a glass magnifying lens in the head. Used, theoretically, to mark drill holes in mold/die work. Driving a nail breaks this hammer instantly. | ||
| Djkaplan |
I have a whole collection of socket extensions that are useless because I use them to drive bearing races out. | ||
| Bomber |
lathe -- a device for efficently turning an innocent chunk of metal into swarf, which will stick to the soles of your footware and be found in the living room carpet, much to your disadvantage | ||
| Reepicheep |
Last time I had to drive in a crank seal, one of my Son's tinker toy parts mysteriously disappeared  . I would not have had to resort to that, but I could not find the wife's tupperware cup that I had cut down to do it the time before. I wanna be like Road Thing when I grow up. | ||
| Road_thing |
Reep, the trick is simple: Don't grow up! Bomber, I can relate. Yesterday I hit a new nadir, though: my swarf-encrusted Ropers somehow picked up some fresh canine exhaust just before I walked across the Oriental rug Mrs_Thing is so proud of. Hell hath no fury... rt | ||
| Bomber |
I keep SAYING we should have hardwood floors everrytwhere, and why should a grease free kitchen be important, and why are towels not all battleship gray, but to no avail Brer Thang -- can you imagine the chaos if we lived on our own without the adult supervision our wives attempt to supply? Wendy's Lost Boys would have nothing on us! me, I want to be mistaken for Peter Egan when I grow up! | ||
| Buelliedan |
RT, Knowing how beautiful your house is I can just see your wife and "her fury!"  | ||
| Road_thing |
Thanks, Dan. Multiply your vision of fury by, oh, let's say, 10 and you might be getting close! rt | ||
| Road_thing |
Bomber, it's My dream home will have ceramic tile on the floors and about four feet up the walls, with a washdown hose and a big drain in the center of every room. And a GoJo dispenser by the kitchen sink! rt | ||
| Buelliedan |
RT, Thats a mans dream home. Your lovely wife will probably see things a bit differently!! | ||
| Oldguy |
Don't care about the house. My dream is at least a four car garage with a similarly sized shop building, including a full bath. That way I can clean up in the shop and not have to invade and sully the wifes dream house. And Domino's delivers, so who needs a kitchen? Glenn | ||
| Bomber |
oldguy -- right you are! that would be aces! stroll back into the house clean, leaving no trail (except the faint odor of long chain hydrocarbons wafting after you) -- peace in our time IS acheivable! for only, lemme see here . . . .. . about 100 large in this neck of the woods! by governemental standard, a coffee break! |
