| Author | Message | ||
     Newfie_buell |
A friend e-mailed this to me this morning. I like it. Something to ponder over a skinny decaf / latte frapachino... I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand it any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, Redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui". Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transexual, metrosexual, non-sexual, blue, green, and purple-sexual. Real men of the world, stand up, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. The Code: A Retrosexual man, no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!! A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a faggot. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV. A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it. A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can-or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up". Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married / engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking •••• with the boys. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his truck - that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both. A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person. Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT! | ||
| Bomber |
AT FREAKIN LAST! A category I fit in! cooooooolllll . . . .. . me and Ted Nugent! | ||
| Jerseyguy |
Frigging AMEN! | ||
| Outrider |
Wow...A modern term...was getting tired of everyone calling me "Neanderthal." LOL | ||
| Lemonchili_x1 |
PMSL  Outstanding  | ||
| Daves |
See, there are a few of us left. Dave | ||
| Careyj |
RIGHT ON!!! | ||
| Cj_xb |
Oh for God's sakes, your simply describing a REDNECK !!!!! All the boys in Arkansas are that way, it's only here in Wisconsin I've run across those others !! LOL CJ  | ||
| Bluelightning |
Sounds like my life, now if only I could get my wife to agree with this code and quit giving me grief for being a man and not the Wuss's that she's used to being around!! | ||
| Gravedigger |
lol, | ||
| Signguyxb12 |
| ||
| Midknyte |
"A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting." Hah! Hah! I have a deep tissue lump in my arse from a contusion... "Remind me to tell you about it some time" | ||
| Road_thing |
Drinking what with the boys?? | ||
| Uwgriz |
You know - •••• | ||
| Stealthxb |
How does a Retrosexual man react when he sees something like this?  | ||
| Uwgriz |
Not enough smeering of the prints. Bring her back over here and I'll show that bum how to do it right. | ||
| M1combat |
Blue Lightning - She doesn't have to understand... There's a provision for that. DEAL WITH IT! Yep, I think I fit . | ||
| Bluelightning |
The prints are nice, but the yuppie POS car that they are on could be different. Would rather see them in the back of my monster truck!! | ||
| Road_thing |
>>How does a Retrosexual man react when he sees something like this? << I react by dusting off my hands! rt | ||
| Ebear |
That Volvo means it musta' been SAFE SEX !!!!!  | ||
| X1glider |
Sorry...but...Retrosexual is a term that's just as gay as the faggot, nancy-boy, wusses it ridicules. I'll stick to residing in the "real men" catagory. Most of the above statement do apply though. Thank you... | ||
| X1glider |
I think Jason just offered to show you how to do it right.  | ||
| Midknyte |
"Sorry...but...Retrosexual is a term that's just as gay as the faggot, nancy-boy, wusses it ridicules." My personal favorite: Heterosapien  | ||
| Phillyblast |
If he's a true retrosexual, it wasn't his car. It was a random car in a train station parking lot late at night. Remind me to tell you sometime . . .  | ||
| Midknyte |
Ok, time for a visual aid. This is NOT a retrosexual: http://www.skortman.com/ Swallow your beer, now, before following link, or you'll be soooorrrryyyyy  | ||
| Cj_xb |
Those are NOT real men !!!!! CJ  | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Are you saying that all Kiltwearing Scotsmen are not real men? Cos if you are, as they say in Scotland, I hope your mother can sew pal,  | ||
| R1DynaSquid |
LOL, I dont recall that car being so dirty saturday night, do you CJ?  | ||
| Newfie_buell |
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Thanks Dyna, Now I got to figure out how to get beer spray off the monitor screen!!!!!! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
10 Rules for Dating my Daughter Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. |
