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Mr_grumpy
| | Posted on Monday, March 22, 2004 - 05:26 pm: | 
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A Rich man is being chauffeured in his Rolls one day when a scruffy old geezer on a bicycle taps on the window while at a red light.
The rich man lets down the window and the guy asks him if he can spare a little money as he's broke, the rich man replies " Neither borrower nor lender be. That's Shakespeare my man."
At the next red light the guy with the bicycle catches the Rolls up & gasping for breath, taps on the window again.
As the window comes down, he sticks his head in and yells "C**T.... and that's by D H Lawrence"
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Newfie_buell
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 23, 2004 - 07:32 am: |
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Three men -- one German, one Japanese and a Newfoundlander -- were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager," he said. " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip under the skin of my palm." The Newfoundlander felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Newfoundlander finally said, "well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax." |
Bartimus
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 23, 2004 - 08:53 am: |
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my
God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual
marathon, so he started running along beside the them. Being
naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as
best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always
run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly."That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried."Do you
always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining."
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Crusty
| | Posted on Saturday, March 27, 2004 - 10:11 am: |
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Strange Things You Likely Didn't Know:
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents
daily! (That explains a few mysteries....)
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he
doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's
"Born in the USA."
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the
market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!!!
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave
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Bartimus
| | Posted on Saturday, March 27, 2004 - 11:40 am: |
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A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away,
he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair.
While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds,
"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom."
"Be strong,honey, I love you, too." |
Pangalactic
| | Posted on Saturday, March 27, 2004 - 04:34 pm: |
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A 50-something foursome goes out to play some golf. One goes in to make arrangements to tee off, and the others wait outside and brag about their oldest boy, who are all about the same age.
The first one says, "my son is a contractor, and is doing really well. He even built a new house for the missus and me last year!"
The second says, "well, my son is a car salesman at the Porshe dealership. Best salesman they've got! Sold so many cars he gave a new 944 to me and the missus this year!"
The third replies, "well, my son is a stockbroker up on Wall Street, and is worth a mint. Got my portfolio set up real sweet- made us millionaires already!"
Just then the fourth returns from the clubhouse. The others ask him about his son. "Ah, hell," he says, "my son is as gay as the day is long. But he seems to be doin' alright...his last three boyfriends have given him a house, a new Porshe, and set up a great stock portfolio for him..." |
Hootowl
| | Posted on Saturday, March 27, 2004 - 10:46 pm: |
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13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
What about Liurple? (you saturday night live fans out there will know what I'm talking about)
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
The PAO my company makes for lubricating food handling/processing equipment is certified Kosher. Yup, there's a Rabbi out in the plant! |
Doughnut
| | Posted on Saturday, March 27, 2004 - 10:55 pm: |
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6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
I believe this one was proven wrong. The echo is simply near impossible to tell from the original quack. Myth Busters did some tests on it. |
Doughnut
| | Posted on Saturday, March 27, 2004 - 11:01 pm: |
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S2pengy
| | Posted on Sunday, March 28, 2004 - 10:30 am: |
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EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Timbo
| | Posted on Sunday, March 28, 2004 - 12:27 pm: |
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Why did Kamakaze pilots wear helmets?
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Mr_grumpy
| | Posted on Sunday, March 28, 2004 - 01:21 pm: |
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Why is there only one monopolies comission? |
Mr_grumpy
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 12:29 pm: |
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An Irishman walks into a Pub with a pig under his arm,
The barman looks up surprised & says " where the hell did you get that?"
The Pig says "I won him in a raffle." |
Turnagain
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 02:57 pm: |
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Just to put a grin on Blake's face:  
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Austinrider
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 09:33 pm: |
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a Midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Fullpower
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 31, 2004 - 10:04 pm: |
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cat installed, hammer taken away. you are good to go. |
Hootowl
| | Posted on Thursday, April 01, 2004 - 12:13 pm: |
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Quantas?
I've seen this before, but it was air force or Navy. Lets see..
IFF=Identification Friend or Foe, only found on NATO military aircraft.
Targeting radar? On an airliner? I don't think so. I love the way these things get changed as they circulate, but you'd think the editor would have taken out things that no longer apply. |
Mr_grumpy
| | Posted on Saturday, April 03, 2004 - 08:57 am: |
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Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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