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Archive through January 23, 2004Cj_xb30 01-23-04  10:52 am
Archive through February 02, 2004Thunderbolt_dad30 02-02-04  10:26 am
         

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Newfie_buell
Posted on Tuesday, February 03, 2004 - 10:55 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

I have no idea why but this one is funny!!!!!

lizard
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Spiderman
Posted on Thursday, February 05, 2004 - 12:11 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed
someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Spidey and Dave S. The three men had always done everything together. Spidey arrived
first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Spidey said, "Yup, his
face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled
him over, and Spidey said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was
rather strange. Then he brought Dave S in to identify the body. Dave S took a
look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Dave S said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The
mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Dave S said, "Well, Bubba had two
assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to Buell Events, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"


edited by spiderman on February 05, 2004
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Arbalest
Posted on Thursday, February 05, 2004 - 01:25 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Wykedflesh, you laugh, but way up here in Maine, a few years ago there was a case of a pre-op transexual who attempted to donate blood plasma at one of those places that pay for plasma. He (she) was refused. There are only two classes of people that could legally be refused, gay men, and I forget the other. The point was, he(she) sued. He(she) claimed that although he was a transexual, he had never had sex with a man, and was only sexually interested in women...he was a lesbian trapped in a man's body. There was also the case of the maintenance manager for Vishay-Sprague. This happened just previous to my employ there, some years ago. He had a sex change operation. He tried men, but gave them up as she(he?) preferred women. Truth is stranger than fiction.
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Dullorb
Posted on Thursday, February 05, 2004 - 01:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Hence the saying, "Those crazy Maine people!"
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Crusty
Posted on Thursday, February 05, 2004 - 02:37 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Ayup.
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Newfie_buell
Posted on Thursday, February 05, 2004 - 03:31 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Don't know about you Dull or Crusty, but I pride myself on being a Lesbian!!!!
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Newfie_buell
Posted on Friday, February 06, 2004 - 11:12 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Halftime Could have Been Much WORSE

Yikes
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Arbalest
Posted on Friday, February 06, 2004 - 02:04 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Crusty, that's AYUH.
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Bartimus
Posted on Monday, February 09, 2004 - 04:54 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Subject: Vodka.. Who would have thunk it??

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes..

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powdered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.

12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.

13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.

14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.

15. To treat an earache, put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.

16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

19. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

20. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

Ok, now MY personal favorite...

21. If all else fails, just turn the bottle up and drink it, nothing will matter anymore anyway!
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Bartimus
Posted on Monday, February 09, 2004 - 08:26 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Two Hunters from Michigan
This is from a radio program, a true report of an
incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator SUV
for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments.
He and a friend go duck hunting in the winter,
and of course all the lakes are frozen over.
These two guys go out on the lake with their
guns, a dog, and of course the new Vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area for the ducks, something for the
decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large
enough to look like something a wandering duck
would fly down and land on, it's going to
take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes
a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the stick
of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where
they are standing (and the new Navigator),
because they don't want to take the risk of
slipping on the ice when they run from the
burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with
the resulting blast. They light the 40-second
fuse and throw the dynamite.

"Remember a couple of paragraphs back when
I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the DOG!!
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black
Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things
thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate
of doggy speed on the ice and captures the
stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second
fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and
wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on,
keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots
the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot,
hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused, but
continues on. Another shot and this time the dog,
still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinking these two geniuses
have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand
new Navigator.
The men continue to yell as they run. The
exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the
dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the
truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --"BOOM!"-- the Navigator is blown to
bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a
very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing
there with this "I can't believe this happened"
look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a
vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is
NOT COVERED. He still has yet to make the
first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
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Dasxb9s
Posted on Monday, February 09, 2004 - 08:52 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

That story started out as a new Jeep Cherokee a few years back as a runner up for the Darwin awards, posted on a internet site!

In the original story the dog ran under the Jeep... did not involve a hot exhaust pipe and the dog went to doggie heaven after a trip to the bottom of the lake under the Jeep.

It was either rewritten to please the ASPCA or tree hugger/animal rights types, or has evolved to the current SUV via urban legend.

In any form... a great story!!!
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Tuesday, February 10, 2004 - 04:34 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Bartimus, Here's another for your vodka list, I used to do this in my wild youth,
Take 2 nice big oranges do NOT peel, & with the aid of a large hypodermic syringe inject vodka into the segments of orange inside, put in the fridge over night, in the morning cut, squeeze, drink, & start the day with a smile.
(kids don't try this at home, Mr grumpy has many years experience of idiocy & is a trained professional)
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Newfie_buell
Posted on Tuesday, February 10, 2004 - 07:28 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

Grumpy,

You can do the same with a watermelon except put a lot more in!!!!!!

Putting it in the freezer is even better on one of those hot days.
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Mikej
Posted on Tuesday, February 10, 2004 - 09:21 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

A properly chosen watermelon still on the vine will easily hold a whole fifth. Trust me on that one. And nobody will suspect when you clip it off the vine in garden and set it down on the picnic bench the next day, that is until their first bite. Not that I would ever have done such a thing. ; )
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