| Author | Message | ||
     Dasxb9s |
THE CHRISTMAS ADVENTURES OF DASXB9S ‘Twas the night before Christmas... OK... so it is Christmas eve and I feel guilty that I don't have a Christmas tree for my sweetie and our kids. I check my account balances and realize three things... One, if it took a dime to travel around the world... I couldn't get across the street. Two, none of the tree places would take a personal check and hold it until the first of the year. Three, if they took a check I would also have no bond money when it bounced. Four, I don't have any decorations. Five, I don't have a tree stand. Six, none of the Christmas tree lots are open at 11:30 pm. But... do any of you that have read any of my life experiences really think any of this will stop me??? DON"T BE RIDICULOUS!!! Actually... I had a tree for Christmas... but the neighbor realized someone had cut down the Dutch Elm sapling he had just planted in his back yard... but that is another story! Anyway... I sit at the computer... close the Microsoft Money program... in disgust I toss the check book into the corner... and I start brain storming. Here I am... it is Christmas eve... I have no Christmas tree... I am trying to think... and nothing happens! I gaze out the window... and in the distance I can see the dimly lit city park, the one on the other side of the creek bed behind my back lot. There is a clear sky... the moon light makes the park look so scenic... the landscaping... the bushes... the pine trees... THE PINE TREES!!!!! BINGO! Up until that second... I can't see the forest for the trees!!! So... I figure since I am a tax payer... and tax payers pay for city services... and the parks are part of the city services... THOSE ARE MY TREES IN THAT PARK!!! So... my room temperature IQ has once again formulated a solution to my problem. Damn this room is cold... hey... I have to bundle up anyway... I am getting a Christmas tree! I dress in camouflage... to include face paint... get my handsaw (remember this)... my flashlight... and add this to the true spirit of Christmas that has filled me... and I trudge forward into the darkness to bring Christmas to my loved ones! If you have read any of my other experiences you know I have a big lot with a dry creek bed at the back of my property. Now if I were going to do this the easy way... I would get in my car and drive around the block to the park... but my muffler fell off and it would make too much noise so late at night... and the last thing I want to do is attract attention on Christmas eve. So I walk. All was going well until I got to the creek. You know... the dry creek... the one that now had water streaming through it. (Wait... if that is the case... why do they call it a creek... if the water is streaming... shouldn't be called a... Never mind!! I am getting off subject.) I have boots on... they are waterproof... WHAT CAN GO WRONG??? I slide down the bank and carefully step into the water... cross the creek... stream... WHATEVER!!! I enter the park. Luck is with me, I find a PERFECTLY formed tree... and with a smile on my face... I get sooooo filled with the spirit of Christmas. I begin to sing... Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree. Well... I soon realize how much of a mistake that was, as the three crazed squirrels I startle scramble out of MY tree... running up my legs and across my face! I don't know if it was my screaming... or the shots I fired from my Glock at the fleeing squirrels, that woke up one of the neighbors... but lights came on one of the houses across from the park. So... I squat down, trying to look like a tree to blend in... and that is when I realize my boots must not be waterproof, as my feet are wet. But something does not quite compute... my feet are wet... but not cold. My feet are actually warm. How can my feet be wet and warm??? Then I realize... that not only are my feet wet... but my pants are also wet! My boots are waterproof... as it was not "water" that had run down my leg... into my boots... and none of it was leaking out! I am so glad I took a dump before I started on this quest... but I guess I should not have drank so much coffee while thinking! The lights in the house across from the park finally go out... and I figure I can now take the tree down. I take the handsaw... and go right to work. About ten minutes later I realize three things. One... the handsaw is not going to work to take down the tree. Two... I am again screaming. Three... I now only have a thumb and three fingers on my left hand! I am thinking this might be a significant problem! Then I remember I read someplace that with micro-surgery fingers can be reattached... and still fully function. Hey... I have insurance... and I can sue the manufacturer of the saw... for not attaching a warning label to caution me of the possibility of such an accident! Before I can more carefully evaluate this dilemma, there is another more pressing problem. Remember the trio of squirrels... we are in a race to find the finger... and I am not thinking they are going to bring it to me if they find it first! That is when two things happen. One... the lights come back on at the house again. ...and it has been too long for it to be from my screaming. Two... I empty my second magazine from my Glock at the squirrels... which is probably what caused the lights to go on. But... it could have been a third thing... since I noticed the sliding glass door on that house was now shattered! But, I am pretty sure it just couldn't be from the gun fire. So... back across the creek I go in search of a better way to harvest MY tree... I then remember my neighbor has a new chainsaw... and he had demonstrated how quiet it was when he was showing it off. So I think... perfect! I will "borrow" his chainsaw. Besides... with the guy across from the park pounding nails into the sheet of plywood to board up the sliding glass door opening... who is going to hear a quiet chainsaw. With chainsaw in hand... I head across the creek ... stream... WHATEVER... for my second attempt. I guess I must have crossed at a different point than my first crossing... as the water was deep enough to go over the tops of my boots... and this time is not a warm liquid that ended up in my boots, no... it was freezing water! By the time I get back to the tree... I have lost feeling in both feet. At the tree... unknown to me... my furry little friends lay in ambush. As I walk up to MY tree... the squirrels once again use me for a speedway... zooming up three sides of my body, bounding off my face into the adjacent tree. I could have sworn I heard them laugh. Three things happened. One... my feet were again warmed from the urine running down my legs. Two... I again screamed. Three... the chainsaw went flying up into the air when I startled from this attack. Now is probably a good time to talk about Isaac Newton, and his early work in quantifying gravity. We all remember from grade school, what goes up... must come down. Though I did not intend to, I verified this theory by means of my neighbor's chainsaw. But don't worry... it was not damaged... it landed on something soft... MY HEAD! About 4 or 5 minutes later... I regained consciousness... and if it were not for the fact I was still recovering from a concussion from the mouse incident... the headache would have probably bothered me. But I am kinda getting used to them, and that was in fact the least of my worries. Remember the squirrels? Well... while I was unconscious, all three of the squirrels had run up the pant legs of my cammies... and they were looking for nuts! I am guessing one of two things. The neighbor was not disturbed by my screaming enough to be distracted from his home repairs...or I was unconscious long enough for him to give up looking for the moron who was screaming in the park, and he had returned to his repairs before I came to! But this thought was certainly academic at this point... since the screaming as I tried to get the squirrels out of my pants when I regained consciousness did get his attention. I ran away from the tree... continuing to scream... then I got lucky... the squirrels apparently don't like water... and when I stumbled into the creek...stream... WHATEVER... they lost interest in foraging for nuts! I think that is when hypothermia first began to be an issue... and we know that people can't think straight in the advanced stages of hypothermia. That must be what my problem was... I was becoming hypothermic... from the second I left my house on this quest! So...I go back to the tree... no squirrels are in sight... I recover the chain saw... look to see if Tim the tool man Taylor is still busy with his repairs, he is... and I begin the second attempt to take the tree. I pull the rope. Pruuuuup! Nothing happens. I give it two more fast pulls. Pruuurpt... pruuuurpt! It doesn't start. That is when I realize I do not have the run/kill switch in the proper position. I move the switch to run then pull the rope one more time... the chainsaw starts. A split second later I realize that in the dark I picked up my neighbors old chainsaw... not his new one. It is making a racket like I have never heard before... it is so loud my eyes are throbbing... and blood is coming out of my ears... it is THUNDEROUSLY LOUD... like...ah... like... ah... well, like... a broken chainsaw!!! I flip the run/kill switch... and it breaks off... needless to say... Tim Taylor had put down his hammer and was looking my direction. I ran to the creek... stream... WHATEVER... lunged through the ice and held the chainsaw under water. Peace had returned! I was not discouraged... I WAS going to get MY Christmas tree if it killed me... and as a side note... with the hypothermia... the stub where my finger used to be had stopped bleeding... and did not hurt at all! Hey... I realized my headache was gone too! Things were looking up! AND... I had a better plan!!! This plan...an electric chainsaw!!! That would be quiet! WHAT COULD GO WRONG? My other neighbor had one... and more extension cords than Lowe's! I "borrowed" the electric chainsaw... linking enough extension cords to make it to the tree... and back I went. It would have been a great idea except for two things. One... with hypothermia one quickly loses the competence to think clearly. Two... the creek! Three, my screaming! When I crossed the creek... stream... bottomless pit... WHATEVER... through the ice and over my head in water I disappeared. What happened next would have been beautiful under different circumstances... the sparks... the flames... blue and white arcs jumping from each of my limbs to different areas in the creek bed... as I launched out of the water. Screaming... sparks flying... hair smoking!!! I think I heard Tim Taylor applauding at the light show coming from the creek! So much for this plan! I WANTED MY TREE... I WAS NOT GOING TO GIVE UP!!! I WAS GOING TO GET MY TREE!!!!! By now I am way past not thinking clearly... I was feeling no pain (and for once it was not due to cough medicine or vodka)... actually I couldn't feel my legs... my eyes throbbed... my ears continued to bleed... I was in the advanced stages of hypothermia...I am apathetic about being noticed "harvesting" a Christmas tree... and I at that moment remember I have some sticks of dynamite in the garage... left over from the Fourth of July... DON"T ASK!!!!!! So... once again to MY tree I go... singing Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree... at the top of my lungs... when I get to the tree I yell... "FU*K YOU COMMIE SQUIRRELS" then empty the last magazine from my Glock into the dirt at the base of MY tree. As I do this I notice four street lights in the park beyond MY tree go out... I think I hear glass breaking at Tim Taylor's house... the entire neighborhood lights up... and I hear approaching sirens! I take duct tape and secure three sticks of dynamite to the base of the beautiful... perfectly formed... Christmas tree... MY Christmas tree... and once again yell at the top of my lungs... "FU*K IT!!! THIS IS MY TREE... I AM TAKING IT...AND NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME!!!". I pull a zippo lighter out of my pocket... it lights right up... a beautiful blue flame dances at the end of the wick... GAWD I LOVE ZIPPO LIGHTERS!!! I light the fuse... which I fail to comprehend is way too short... sparks rapidly fly from the fuse... a beautiful miniature light show... I raise my hand... the one that still has all the fingers... I make a fist of defiance. From that point I really don't remember anything else... except what they told me at the emergency room. I think I remember seeing a bright light... and moving toward it. But that might have been during surgery. According to the police report... Tim Taylor said he heard a madman screaming, but was unable to make out what was said... other than the words "my tree"... he heard an huge explosion... then a tree directly in front of the man shot straight up into the air like a big bottle rocket... he observed the man he heard screaming blown off his feet... into a high arch... eventually landing in the creek... and then he saw three squirrels run in the direction of the flying man! This was followed by more screaming!!! When Sharon arrived at the hospital... she had two questions... One... "What were you thinking... we're Jewish!!" Two... "Do you any idea where my zippo is?" When visited by the Rabbi as I was wheeled out of surgery... he begged and pleaded with me... to convert to Christianity!!! He was spending too much time at the emergency room!!! ...and I was beyond the help of religion!!! So I did!!! With all this aside... I wish to all BadWeb members... and their loved ones... a Merry Christmas to all... and a great New Year!!! Things can only get better! |
