| Author |
Message |
    
Newfie_buell
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 17, 2003 - 07:07 am: | 
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I'm with Charlotte on that one,
That dog is just plain creepy |
Lornce
| | Posted on Thursday, December 18, 2003 - 12:38 am: |
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Okay, here's one I can leave up. 
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, beans and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a five-pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "F**k him....Give him a fiver." "The breakfast was my idea."
No offense meant to blonde ladies, ya understand.
lh
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Oldguy
| | Posted on Thursday, December 18, 2003 - 12:48 am: |
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A friend sent me this and I have to share it with all of you:
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes.
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to
inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding:
"Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our
point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before
seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in
random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my
ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens
around their necks."
Almost reminds me of the days when there was a "Pinko" behind every tree and in every classroom.
Glenn |
Innes
| | Posted on Thursday, December 18, 2003 - 08:14 am: |
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Hey Glenn, I can hear them both saying the words, is that scary or what? |
Turnagain
| | Posted on Thursday, December 18, 2003 - 07:23 pm: |
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What happens when you have:
1) nothing to do
2) a sharp knife
3) a large lime
4) a patient cat
5) too much tequila
6) and it's football season?
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Bartimus
| | Posted on Saturday, December 20, 2003 - 01:55 am: |
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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV,
and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he
said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone,
he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat
ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all
day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."
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Bartimus
| | Posted on Saturday, December 20, 2003 - 02:04 am: |
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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off!
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!"
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference ?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing...)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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Dullorb
| | Posted on Sunday, December 21, 2003 - 12:21 am: |
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Here's an older one.
In Beverly Hills a blonde lady went to her cosmetic surgeon to get another facelift. She came in every year and as she was a regular customer he told her about a new proceedure that would last for ten years.
"You see we install this small knob on the back of your head. It is entirely concealed by your hair and when you find a new wrinkle you can just turn the knob clockwise and it will tighten your face right up."
She thought this was a great idea and signed up for the experimental proceedure and went in for treatment a week late. When she was ready to go home the doctor spoke to her one more time.
"Now this proceedure should last ten years, you should turn the knob one quarter of a turn clockwise each month and your skin will look like you are twenty for the next ten years."
A year later she made an appointment and when he met her he asked her what was wrong. She complained, "I have two problems the first is that I can't get rid of these bags under my eyes no matter how much I turn that knob."
He looked at her and asked, "You didn't follow my instructions did you, I told you to turn it one quarter turn clockwise each month. You've obviously been doing it more often than that!"
She admitted that in her vanity she had been turning the knob every other day. The doctor said, "Well madame your overzealousness caused those bags under your eyes. They are your breasts! What was your other concern?"
She looked at him and replied, "Well I think you've answered that question too because I was also wondering about where this beard came from." |
Bartimus
| | Posted on Saturday, December 27, 2003 - 10:15 pm: |
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Subject:MOOD RING
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my mood swings.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his
forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. |
Cj_xb
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 09:51 am: |
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN !!
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN !!
* Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings ... Don't block the TV
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Newfie_buell
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 10:17 am: |
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You got it CJ
Especially when Speed Channel is ON |
Blackbelt
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 10:59 am: |
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DAMN CJ THAT IS RIGHT ON THE MONEY! hehehe see men are much simpler creatures than women.. hehehe and there is proof |
Cj_xb
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 11:33 am: |
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Since you guys like that one so well, thought I'd post another one about men !! LOL
Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.
Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough!
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Bomber
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 11:44 am: |
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cj . . .. .no earrings with the wings? |
Road_thing
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 12:18 pm: |
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...shake 'em... |
Cj_xb
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 12:22 pm: |
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Bomber, you give a man everything he wants and you still want MORE !!!
NO earrings !!! LOL
CJ  |
Bomber
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 12:29 pm: |
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of COURSE!
it's the one thing men and women always have in common!
(thanks for the backup, Thang |
Innes
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 12:39 pm: |
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Hey CJ you forgot the damn BEER
 |
Cj_xb
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 01:16 pm: |
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If I show up naked and with wings, you'd think you could get the damn beer and one for me too !!!??? LOL
CJ
edited by cj xb on December 31, 2003 |
Bartimus
| | Posted on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 07:40 pm: |
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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless
Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye
grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like
the thing
to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy
and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say, "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all
day,
had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by
until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead
of
going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,
looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight
arrived,
he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the
worst day of
my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our
porch." |
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