| Author | Message | ||
     Freyke |
GIANTS/EAGLES..... ohhhhhh funnnnyyyy...... not! | ||
| Crusty |
Huh??? | ||
| Ghostrider |
An LAPD officer is sitting in a small neighborhood doing traffic. He observes a Black Mercedes run a stop sign, so he pulls him over. The officer approaches the car and before he can even speak, the driver has the window down, cell phone to his ear, and is yelling at the officer. "What the hell are you pulling me over for? I'm in a hurry here. What is the problem??" "Well, sir, you failed to stop at that stop sign back there. I need to see your driver's license and proof of insurance, please." As the man begins to retrieve his license, he says, "I can't believe this. Can't you see that I'm late here? There wasn't anyone coming! What the f*** do you want from me? I slowed down, didn't I? Isn't that good enough for the f***ing LAPD??" At that, the officer has had enough. He reaches into the car and pulls the guy out through the window. He get's him down on the ground and starts hitting him in the head with his baton, asking, "Now, do you want me to stop or do you want me to slow down??" | ||
| Josh_ |
Arkansas State trouper pulls over a pickup truck. Approached the drivers window: "Son, what's your name" "Bubba" "Well, Bubba, you got any ID?" "'Bout what?" | ||
| Josh_ |
Same trouper pulls over a Trans Am for speeding. Walks up to the window, gives the driver a ticket. Then hits the driver upside the head with his baton. Officer then walks around the car to the pass. window and taps on it. When the passenger rolls down his window - the officer hits him too. "What was that for, I'm just sittin here?" "I was just granting your wish." "What wish?" "Well about 5min down the road you were going to say : 'Well I wished he'd tried that on me'" | ||
| Josh_ |
Guy out driving his new BMW, just toolin' along seeing what the car can do, passes a State trouper who proceeds to turn after him. Guy decides his BMW can outrun an Impala and puts his foot down. After a minute he decides he's being foolish and should pull over. Cop walks up and says "You're my last stop of the day and I'm on vacation for 2 weeks. Give me a real good excuse and I'll let you off." "Well officer, you see my wife ran off with a State trouper last week. I thought you were bringing her back" | ||
| Bartimus |
At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris, who looks happy and eager. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and he is as fresh as a 25-year old. And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:"You mean I was here already?" | ||
| S1joel |
More Cop Jokes Please!!!!!!!!! I can't get enough. You have no idea how close Ghostrider is to the truth. | ||
| Bartimus |
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone. 2. Man who run in front of car get tired. 3. Man who run behind car get exhausted. 4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 7. Man with one chopstick go hungry. 8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. 9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 10. Baseball is wrong; man with four ball cannot walk. 11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. 12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. 13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. 14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it. 16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. 17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. 21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. 22. Man who drop watch in toilet has shitty time. 23. It is ground for fight if midget say Your wife's hair smells good | ||
| Bartimus |
 Thought of the Day Never hold your farts in................... They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from. | ||
| Bigblock |
A man walking along the beach picks up a bottle and a genie comes out. "I want my 3 wishes", he says. The genie says "I'm an evil genie, and anything you wish for, I'll give double to all the lawyers in the world! The man says " I don't care, give me $100,000,000!" "OK, but you realize that as an evil genie, I will give every lawyer in the world $200,000,000?" " SO what, I want 100 miles of beachfront property for my 2nd wish" " You realize that every lawyer will get 200 miles of beachfront property?" "I don't care" "And, what about your 3rd wish?" "Well, I always wanted to donate a kidney" | ||
| Bartimus |
"The 59 Rules Of Motorcycling" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Respect the person who has seen the dark side of motorcycling and lived! 2. Midnight bugs taste Best. 3. Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they can hold everything you need. 4. Wear heavy boots. You can’t kick things when you’re wearing sneakers. 5. NEVER argue with a woman holding a torque wrench. 6. Routine maintenance should never be neglected. 7. It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed. 8. The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror. Never be afraid to slow down. 9. Only bikers understand why dogs love to stick their heads out car windows. 10. Bikes don’t leak oil, they mark their territory. 11. Never ask a biker for directions if you’re in a hurry to get there. 12. If it takes more than 3 bolts to hold it on, it’s probably crucial. 13. Remember that you will be judged by the Horse you ride on. 14. Don’t ride so late into the night that you sleep through the sunrise. 15. Pie and coffee are as important as gasoline. 16. The number of kicks it takes to start your bike is directly proportional to the number of spectators. 17. Never ask your bike to scream before her throat is good and warm. 18. Sometimes it takes a whole tank full of gas before you can think straight. 19. If you want to get a job, you may have to compromise your principals. You may even have to shave (hmmm is that for us ladies too!) 20. Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you’ll ride alone. 21. Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town. 22. Never mistake horsepower for staying power. 23. A good rider has balance, judgment, and good timing. So does a good lover. 24. A cold hamburger can be reheated quite nicely by strapping it to an exhaust pipe and riding forty miles. 25. Never do less then forty miles before breakfast. 26. If you don’t ride in the rain, you don’t ride. 27. A bike on the road is worth two in the shop. 28. When you look down the road, it seems to never end but you better believe it does. 29. Young riders pick a destination and go. Old riders pick a direction and go. 30. Overconfidence can be supplied by spare spark plugs, a set of wrenches, and a roll of toilet paper. 31. Advice is free and worth every penny! 32. Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night. 33. Always back your scoot into the curb and sit where you can see it. 34. Work to ride–Ride to work. 35. Whatever it is, its better in the wind. Two lane blacktop isn’t a highway-its an attitude. 36. Good coffee should be indistinguishable from 50 weight motor oil. 37. A biker can smell a party 5,000 miles away. 38. Keep your bike in good repair. 39. Motorcycle boots are NOT comfortable for walking. 40. People are like motorcycles: each is customized a bit differently. 41. More races were won in the tavern than on the track. 42. Never loan your bike to someone else, and never ride another’s. 43. If the bike isn’t braking properly, you don’t start by rebuilding the engine. 44. Remember to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your carburetor. 45. Sometimes the best communication happens when you’re on separate bikes. 46. Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck. 47. The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome. 48. Learn to do counterintuitive things that may someday save your butt. 49. Beware the biker whose ink peels off. 50. If you really want to know what’s going on, watch what’s happening at least 5 cars ahead. 51. Don’t make a reputation you’ll have to live down or run away from later. 52. Smoke and grease can hide a multitude of errors, but only for so long. 53. A friend is someone who’ll get out of bed at 2 am to drive her/his pickup to the middle of nowhere to get you when you’re broken down. 54. If s/he changes her oil more than s/he changes her mind-follow her. 55. The thicker your oil, the hotter you can take it. 56. Catchin’ a June bug @ 70 mph can double your vocabulary. 57. If you want to get somewhere before sundown, you can’t stop at every tavern. 58. Hunger can make even road kill taste good. 59. You gotta be smart enough to understand the rules of motorcycling and dumb enough to think the game's important. | ||
| Bartimus |
A native Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day. | ||
| Iamike |
Hey BluzM2/S2/Blast- What does the UofM have astroturf in its stadium? . . . . To keep the cheerleaders from grazing It took me awhile to come up with a retort to your earlier post. | ||
| Spiderman |
Watch the the Blue jokes there Mike. | ||
| Sandblast |
Whats the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a Vacuum? The position of the dirt-bag. | ||
| Bartimus |
The Chicken and the Horse On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!) "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks." | ||
| Cj_xb |
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Cinnamon Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: British Constitution Loquacious Transubstantiate Passive-aggressive disorder Specificity THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. You're right; I can't jump over that table. | ||
| Newfie_buell |
Thats Funny CJ, Here are some pictures of Newfie Technology:          | ||
| Easyflier |
Ashcroft US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After speaking for 15 minutes he says, 'I will now answer any questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions': 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to destroy civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Just then the bell goes off and the kids are sent out to play. Upon returning, Mr. Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions': 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to destroy civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? 5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early? 6. Where is Bobby? | ||
| Turnagain |
While on the subject of Mr. Ashcroft, I was at Wolf Trap earlier this year and heard a song by Tom Paxton. If you've got Real Audio, follow this link (http://www.prairiehome.org/performances/20030531/ram_files/05.ram) and slide the Clip Position to the 20 minute mark. | ||
| Glitch |
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.. __________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. ______________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? _____________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ______________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ______________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ______________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.. ______________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ______________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at! the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ______________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. | ||
| Philip |
wow! that pretty much confirms everything that has ever been said about lawyers. too funny!!! | ||
| Sgtbuell |
That is some of the funniest shit I have read in a long time. Keep em coming. | ||
| Crank |
A guy walks into a biker bar and goes over to a table where three huge bikers are seated. He leans on their table and says to the biggest of the three "I just saw your grandmother naked. And you know what? She looks good". The biker ignors him much to the astonishment of his two friends. Once again the guy leans over and this time says "I just screwed your grandmother" Again he is ignored by the biker. His friends cannot believe what they are seeing as this guy is always ready to mix it up over the smallest thing. Finally he looks the biker in the eye and says "And you know what, she liked it". With that the biker gets up, grabs the guy and shakes him by the shoulders and says "Your drunk grandpop, go to hell home". | ||
| Hans |
Already dark, drizzling, and a long, winding, road in the middle of nowhere. The biker saw the hitchhiker from far and considered that no car, if any, would stop in those conditions for a man with dripping clothes. It was more than half a century ago, and hitchhikers were a common phenomenon. The lift was gratefully accepted. "Protect yourself against the cold wind and put your coat on in reverse, with the buttons, (no zippers then) at the backside." All went well, and after a couple of minutes the right wrist was twisted till WOT, to make up for the lost minutes. The bikers was very satisfied with his competent and powerful, as the passenger seemed to make not much difference, not even in the handling in the corners. The ride was soon a joy again. The passenger had its own seat, not cramped up against the biker, so the biker felt the need to verify if he was indeed carrying that extra weight:...GEEZ, no passenger..... He made a quick U turn and after a couple of minutes he saw the man, motionless lying at the side of the road. A car had stopped and some people walked around. First thing he asked: Is he still alive ? "Oh, SURE he is: You should have heard him, screaming like a pig, while we turned his head back to its normal position."  edited by Hans on October 27, 2003 edited by Hans on October 27, 2003 | ||
| 99x1 |
My wife owns a horse, and yesterday bought a pair of cold weather riding gloves - look like mittens, but have a little finger. Sales person said they are known as "Newfie Nose Pickers"...  | ||
| Blackbelt |
LMFAO!!!!! | ||
| Whatever |
I thought these were cute !!!       | ||
| Cj_xb |
LMAO !!!! CJ  |
