| Author | Message | ||
     Lemonchili_x1 |
Considering there's a few musicians here, I thought you folks would appreciate some bass humour  A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!" Q - How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Six, one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light What's the difference between a musician and a Mutual Fund? One will eventually mature and make some money. Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first one, "What was your last job and annual salary?" The first soul replied, "$200,000; I was a trial lawyer." St. Peter asked the second one the same question. The soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor." St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was "$10,000." Before he could go on, St. Peter immediately said "Cool! What instrument did you play?" Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing (by Tony Levin) I love this! In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S. And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork. Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled. Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer." "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." Yea, and it was so. | ||
| Rainman |
Oh, so true! I learned to play bass by taking lessons from an old biker/H-D mechanic in a biker bar in Fayetteville, NC. He let me sit in with the band and everytime I'd try to pull an Entwhistle, he'd yell in my ear: "What the @#$@ are you doing with that Entwhistle @#$%? Hold the #*&^%ing bottom!" I found that advice to be very valuable later in life, too. | ||
| Danger_dave |
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| Kyrocket |
What do you call a guy that hangs out with musicians? A drummer. What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless. I can't play much more than a radio but I got these from a drummer friend and thought I'd throw 'em in. | ||
| Lemonchili_x1 |
"What the @#$@ are you doing with that Entwhistle @#$%? Hold the #*&^%ing bottom!" Yeah, I still get in trouble for throwing stuff in, but I'm learning to be sneaky   Jack was here  | ||
| Buellinachinashop |
Bass are one of God's creatures, you shouldn't play with them. | ||
| Rainman |
Saw Phish once: The bass player was playing some serious scales and had a big FINish. | ||
| Sarodude |
Some guy needed a vacation badly. He wanted something tropical, maybe a little native in nature. He got his vacation booked and all was well. Fast forward a few days as he's now getting off the plane to begin his vacation. As he's walking down the steps, he hears drums in the distance. He asks one of the Airport workers about the drums and the only response is, "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad!" Joe Vacation shrugs and begins his vacation. As the man is checking into his hotel, the distant drums once again catch his attention. He asks the bellhop, "Can you tell me what's with the drums?" The response: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad!" Now Joe is genuinely intrigued. He gets to his room, puts away his bags, hops into his swim trunks, and heads down to the beach to enjoy one of those umbrella drinks. Once again, the sound of drums reaches Joe's ears. He asks the Cabana Boy, "Hey, buddy, what's the deal with the drums?" He hears a familiar response. "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad!" Joe pumps, "What happens when the drums stop?" "Bass solo!" -Saro | ||
| Americanmadexb |
What's the difference between a bass player and a large Pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four. What are the three most difficult years in a bass player's life? Second grade. What's the difference between an electric bass and an upright bass? The upright burns longer. How do you confuse a bassist? Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him which one! | ||
| Johnnylunchbox |
How do you get a bass player off your porch? Pay for the pizza. | ||
| Slaughter |
Little Johnny wants to play an instrument but wants to be cool so he says he wants to play a "ROCK" guitar... but figures that 4 strings is simpler than 6. Johnny's dad takes him to his first lesson and at dinner afterwards, asks Johnny how it went. Johnny says it was really cool. He can name the strings and tune the guitar. Dad says when are you gonna play something? Johnny says second lesson. Second lesson comes and Johnny is really excited, he's gonna PLAY a tune. Afterwards at dinner, Dad asks how it went and Johnny says he got to hit the G string, A string, D string, E string on every count: One, two, three, four... G, A, D, E... and repeat. Dad asks well... you ready for your third lesson? Johnny excitedly says: CAN'T WAIT! Dad takes Johnny to his third lesson and afterwards, at dinner Dad asks little Johnny how it went: Johnny says "GREAT Dad, the band got a gig!" | ||
| Igneroid |
How can you tell if the stage is level?? Drool comming outta both sides of the bass players mouth. How does a lead singer change a lightbulb? He just stands there and holds it while the whole world revolves around him. |
