| Author | Message | ||
     U4euh |
For those of us who have had a Colonoscopy, this will sound so true WAY TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE. Anyone over the age of 50 has been here and for those of you who are not, you will have something to look forward to! And now, we have Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal . ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. | ||
| Prof_stack |
Dave Barry is the best! Having had the little brother procedure (flex-sig) last month, I can relate to the pre-procedure stuff. But in this case you have to give yourself an enema 3 times in 3 hours before heading to the clinic. That was easy.... Watching the colon on the screen was surreal, what with the air blowing in there to inflate the bowels. A few snips of suspicious stuff and it was over. There were no problems with the stuff they cut out. Public service announcement: You dudes over 50 should get this done. | ||
| Etennuly |
You have only experienced the beginning of the REAL adventure in that sweet little story. Let me tell you about the Barium Enema and rotating X-ray table! Parts II and III in the saga of no longer being a man! I can't do it now, I am feeling a little queezy thinking about it.  | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. LMAO!! and the softest toilet paper in the world feels like your wiping with a carbide tipped saw blade by the time you're done! | ||
| Diablobrian |
That does it, I', offing myself before I turn 50!  | ||
| Ft_bstrd |
Oh Shit!  | ||
| Just_ziptab |
I've been thru it twice now and it's really a walk in the park (compared to a kidney stone). The worst part for me was starving for 2.5 days as I eat all the time, all day. The shitter session went for two times and about 5 minutes each........ and I was clean as a new whistle. I've heard that you have some ferocious farts when they are done with you.......I had none and that was disappointing | ||
| Slaughter |
Good to know what I have to look forward to later this year! | ||
| Bigdaddy |
Great read and very accurate -- DAMHIK | ||
| Danger_dave |
Just HTFU and get it done. What is a day or two of inconvenience compared to bowel cancer. | ||
| Rotzaruck |
I had that from the other end. First I had all the chalk koolaid and horse biscuit swallowing xrays, and the xray ride with that stuff that goes through you like you swallowed a poltergeist or something. It was sensational. Then they wanted to poke that thing up the other end. I haven't gotten around to that fun yet. I KNOW where that things been. Just a matter of running out of dodging room ; I've been over fifty for a while now. My doc may just be waiting to see if I kill my self on a motorcycle first(or a truck, or a roof, let me count the ways...) So many life experiences to look forward to. Rotzaruck! | ||
| Cityxslicker |
Oh and it was all hearts and butterflies when Katie Kourac got hers done on Tv ... Ten years in the medical field, before you get your colonoscopy done, get your damn PSA (Prostrate Spec Antigen) Test done when you hit 35. That roller coaster cork screw that your internals take around the prostrate is no picnic either. And that concludes tonites truly Shiatty Public Service Announcement | ||
| Diablobrian |
I was just kidding of course, I've had far more invasive procedures than that in the past 5 years due to the injuries inflicted on my person by a certain 18yo driver that decided to test the crash worthiness of my body when it and my motorcycle were subjected to massive blunt force trauma. A little outpatient procedure is NOTHING in comparison. | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
There is nothing better than when they hit you with the "Sleepy Time" drugs... ya kinda get a warm feeling... then its lights out! JUST ONE FIX!! | ||
| Etennuly |
They can't let you go to sleep on the rotating table! You have to be able to move around and help them rotate your carcass as they blow air up your canal to spread the radio active paste into all of the crevasses. They don't tell you about the funnel with the knob that retains itself into your unit! You will make noises you have never heard coming from you body before, mostly guttoral groaning and moans.  Then you are sent to a bathroom in the room, with big gap at the bottom of the door, and the tile floors. Next is the eighteen gallon fart that explodes all of the air back out. Then under the door you hear the snickering of the technicians as they pick up their hoses and funnels.  | ||
| Strokizator |
I went in for a prostate exam and when the doctor came into the room he dimmed the lights and put on a Johnny Mathis CD. I got the heck out of there.  I went to another doctor and after the procedure he asked if I knew what the prostate gland was. I said "No, I don't know what it is but thanks to you I now know WHERE it is!" | ||
| Nevrenuf |
i was working at the hospital when i had my done and it's one of those uneasy quiet moments when you walk past the person that had a hand with your a$$ check that makes you want to put your head down and walk the other way. that was a cool feeling with passing out and waking up in what seems to be a second. found out last month that a buddy had to go through the prostate cancer thing and at least he was optimistic about the hole thing. | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
Kinda reminds me of that camping trip joke... If you went to sleep and woke up and your a$$ was greasy and sore would you tell anyone? NO Wanna go camp'n? | ||
| Thumper74 |
I'm pretty sure I would wake up... Is it illegal for me to carry my 9mm across state lines for the WVa trip? | ||
| Etennuly |
Wolf, I've been camping with you.....I'm just glad that Jimduncan69 was set up closer to your tent than I was,and that you obviously have a limit to your carnal needs.  I wondered why he walked like that in the morning. I thought he had a gimp hip. | ||
| Danger_dave |
>> I thought he had a gimp hip.<< Suit.} | ||
| M2statz |
Hey careful about what you say about those Xray Techs. We DO NOT like to shove tubes up arses no matter who they are. The 96 year old lady with anal sphincter issues is a real treat to have on the Xray table for a Barium Enema. | ||
| Azxb9r |
Nothing like a little Adovan to help pass the time  | ||
| Dwardo |
The Barium Enema is the WORST! I've had it twice and the second time they tricked me because I was still woozy from the anesthetic and they said, "We have to take you down to x-ray". I said, "OK". By the time I got down there I had awakened enough to remember what it was all about. Never again. I'll just rot from the bottom up first. I refuse. I'm not suggesting anybody else refuse if their doc says they need one but I ain't doin' that again. I think those external scans may be just as good anyway. | ||
| Oldog |
Dude the BE is not that bad (except trying to hold pressurized barrium inside) wait till the nurse drills for oil in the back of your hand / arm | ||
| U4euh |
You guys are killing me!!!! I'm only 36 and have had to go through all of this do to Kidney Transplant. I thought I was the only one who thought I was gonna $hit all over the lady who was shoving the oil drilling rig up my arse. I kept screamin, and I mean screamin, "I gotta crap, I gotta crap!" she kept saying it was just the air being blown in there. 45 minutes later, and one huge fart, she came out and started talking to me. Now you have to picture those new gum commercials where the person talks in such a way that it is impossible to NOT smell their breath. That is the way she talked to us, and right in our faces as if we were deaf. Well after she was finished and left my wife, who is red in the face, turns to me and says " What you did do, $hit in her face?" I about fell on the floor, her breath did smell like she licked the pipe clean. | ||
| Teddagreek |
I'm 34 I did it May for an issue.. I got the letter last week repeat when your fifty, "Gladly" The prep was one of the most miserable days in my life.. Load up on Gatorade, Balmex and don't try to Fart because you will Shart | ||
| Nevrenuf |
i never felt so clean in my life after the drain cleaner finally stopped flowing. | ||
| M2statz |
Yeah, you guys can all laugh now but I know what is next in colon imagery. It is called virtual colonography and done in the CT scanner. Think garden hose and 4 liters of canned air!! | ||
| Etennuly |
never felt so clean in my life after the drain cleaner finally stopped flowing Yours flowed? You a lucky man! Mine was much more like an out of control rocket.......when the candle lit it wasn't gonna stop 'till it was out of fuel! |
