| Author | Message | ||
     Mr_grumpy |
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter. "That's affa dear," says the guy. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan." What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe." What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?" "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative. "Aye right." A Glasgow man, steaming and skint, is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..." | ||
| Wardan123 |
Yes- They only work in Scotland.  | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
You have to say them to yourself with a Glasgow accent.  | ||
| Xl1200r |
Hmm... couldn't get them all, but the couple I did get were funny - "That's affa dear" - lol | ||
| Saintly |
Just Juan that's good! it reminds me of another joke: A young girl gives birth to two identical twin boys. Alas, she is too young & unmarried so she puts them up for adoption. Try as they might, the adoption agency cannot find one family who is willing to adopt both boys. So, they are adopted separately. The first boy is adopted by a spanish family, they name him Juan. His brother is adopted by an arab family. He is named Amahl. Shortly before their eighteenth birthdays, the biological mother contacts both of the adoptive parents of each of her sons. She explains how she has regret the decision to give them up and begs to meet with her boys. After some thought, the parents decide that it would be best for them to meet each other and their birth mother. A rendezvous is scheduled to take place on their birthday in the town where they were born. Nervous and eager, the mother arrives early at the airport and waits for the arrival of her two boys. Soon a plane lands, It carries Juan and his parents. Hugs & tears consume some time, but then they begin to wonder when the other boy will arrive. Sadly, after 45 minutes of waiting, they are informed that Amahl's flight was cancelled due to bad weather. There will be no full reunion on this day. Very saddened by this news, the mother begins to cry. But then, someone says to her, Think of it this way, They are identical twins. So, as the saying goes, "if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl" buh-dum-bum Thank you folks, I'll be here all week. And don't forget to tip your waitress. | ||
| Ted |
boo ! | ||
| Strokizator |
Two Scots are driving down a country road when MacDermott says "Pull over, I've got to crrapp." He walks over behind some bushes, does his business and then yells out "Hey MacDonald, you got any paper?" MacDonald yells back "For chrise-sakes MacDemott, just leave it there!" | ||
| Mtch |
Conjoined Scottish Twins Boaby & Davy go to France An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat. Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends? Davy: Aye, that's right big yin. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years. Gendarme: So I guess you come to]France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse? Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby? Boaby: Aye. Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy. Davy: Naw, yer food's mingin big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your s***e. Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely. Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Boaby? Boaby: Aye. Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe . Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dugs, ah widnae touch them wae a ten fit pole big yin. Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad? Boaby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive! | ||
| Igneroid |
Three couples went golfing together. One couple was English, one was Irish and the third couple was Scottish. While the English woman was bending over to place her tee, the wind came up and lifted her skirt, showing everyone that she had no underwear on. Her husband exclaimed "Honey!! What on earth has caused you to not wear your pantys today?" The wife says " Well, you dont give me enough money so Ive had to cut back on certain items." The English husband quickly hands her 100 dollars. While the Irish wife was placing her tee, the wind came up again, lifted her skirt and, sure enuff, she had no pantys on either. Her husband said "Leapin leprickauns dear, how come you dont have any britches on??" She says "You dont give me enuogh money!" He quickly hands her 35 dollars. When the Scotts wife bent over to place her tee, it was more than apparent she was pantyless as well. Her husband screams "Woman. Why the hell do you have no underwear on?" She says "Well, cheapskate, you dont give me enough money to buy them." He says "Well here a comb honey. Tidy yourself up a bit." |
