| Author | Message | ||
     Cadzilla |
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need. EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight. | ||
| Cataract2 |
Those are to true. | ||
| Djkaplan |
I don't know who wrote it, but it sounds like Peter Egan. | ||
| New12r |
If that were any more true!!!!! I have been a tech for over 10 years and never put all that together. I am the KING of Expletive! | ||
| Shea |
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need. Wow, that is me every time I work on anything mechanical. LOL | ||
| Seth |
They forgot to mention that "hammer" is often used to stike ones own hand while attempting to actually hit something else. | ||
| Light_keeper |
automotive garden tool, the garden tool usually a rake, hoe or other long tool that no matter where you hang it up it usually finds away to fall on what ever it is you are working on at the most inconvienient moment. Evoking a loud verbal out burst causing your significant other to arrive and comment about hanging tools up properly so they don't fall. Or the ever soothing comment about using too much space in the garage so no one else can park their car there.  | ||
| Bomber |
people park cars in garages? who knew? | ||
| Ceejay |
 torch-to light cigarette as bloodied thumb can't operate lighter due to hammer useage, and your pi--ed off about the rake that forced me, errr, a person to need to figure out how to use bondo on the fender of the car that you were putting the brakes on when the jack handle got stuck under said car, I, err a person got pi--ed, pitched my four way, hitting said rake causing three nice dents in an otherwise nice car... | ||
| Road_thing |
Garages are for motorcycles and workbenches and stuff. Driveways are for cars. rt | ||
| Bomber |
phew -- I thought I'd missed the memo thanks Thang! | ||
| Reepicheep |
 I solved that problem two years ago by getting a house built with a third garage bay! someday, maybe within the next decade, I may even try making room to put a car in it | ||
| Jersey_thunder |
Garages are for motorcycles and workbenches and stuff. Driveways are for cars. AMEN !!! JT | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I particularly liked the Hose Cutter. A friend of mine has Dammit Parts, he's disciplined himself not to throw tools. I once saw him on a particularly bad day throw the propshaft straight through the windscreen of a car. True story. I too have disciplined myself in this respect, although I have had to replace the door of the wood store a couple of times. I also once had some unexpected English visitors arrive at Chateau Grumpy. Apparently they'd been visiting some French friends who lived about 1/4 of a mile away across the fields & after lunch were having coffee in the garden, when they heard their own language drifting across on the breeze, it seems the swearing was audible that far. Oops. | ||
| Blake |
Always funny everytime that pops up.  http://www.badweatherbikers.com/cgibin/discus/show.cgi?tpc=3842&post=65721#POST6 5721 http://www.badweatherbikers.com/buell/messages/4062/42289.html http://www.badweatherbikers.com/buell/messages/4062/79414.html http://www.badweatherbikers.com/cgibin/discus/show.cgi?tpc=4062&post=195823#POST 195823 | ||
| Bodyshot1 |
now that's funny!! |
