| Author | Message | ||
     Vegasbueller |
Alright... maybe this is or isn't the place to ask this, but sadly you guys are some of the most constant contact that I have with people other than the few I work with and my wife. But..here we go. Does anyone here have issues with their parents? I am looking 37 in the face next month, and I still have issues that I have never resolved. Where to start? My dad was a firefighter for almost 35 years. And he worked a second job. Something happened to him along the way, and his official diagnosis was schizzophrenia (sp?), and bi-polar disorder. This made growing up there a real blast. (insert sarcasm) He was one (and still is) mean SOB. To compound this, he and my mom were both religious fanatics. I got a regular Sunday beating for the better of 13 years. I still don't know exactly why either. I haven't spoken to either of them in almost three years because of a blow up, where they told me that I was "an accident" and "a mistake". (Dad was 40 when I was born, twenty years behind my two siblings)he blamed his mental state on having to care for kids. LOL Now... I am headed back up to SC this weekend to spend some time with my son, and watch him play semi-pro football for the Greenville Greyhounds. I have thought with stopping in to see the parents, but have even been warned no to by my ex wife and my son. They say the old man is still mean as ever. Anyway..the original question was... does anyone else here, especially the "older" of us have issues with their parents?? Thanks for listening to me ramble, Nick | ||
| Mikej |
Just a suggestion, have your visit with your son. Then when you are ready to leave town give the folks a call. If they want to see you they can meet you at the airport for a soda or coffee or tea. Neutral location, definite time limit, security nearby to keep the temper under control in case anyone is prone to loosing their temper. Worst case is you have a short telephone call. Best case is you have a nice short visit with them and maybe plan for a longer one next time you are in the same place again. If you're driving instead of flying then just call from a truck stop cafe someplace near the freeway out of town. And just a thought, but do your parents ever go to your son's games? Might be another place to "accidently" meet up with them. Then if tempers fly just move to a different part of the stadium. Any yelling will just blend in with the crowds. In any case I hope it all works out in a way that you want it to. Life goes on regardless of who still clings to the past, let go, and forget if you can't forgive, and move on. | ||
| Cataract2 |
Sorry for hearing about this Vegas, I honestly wish I had an answer at this time to help you. Good luck. | ||
| Midknyte |
My generation prior is not ideal, but not as bad. Honestly? To use a cliche' - Look where you want to go. Do things the best that you can for yourself and your children. I agree with Mike, but don't dwell on the past and don't set yourself up to be sucked into doing so. Don't for a minute spend any time at all thinking, feeling, or rationalizing that any of it is even in part or parcel your fault. Use it instead to be a better person for knowledge of the alternative. | ||
| Vegasbueller |
Thanks for the input guys. Midkntyte: I honestly felt guilty for a long time, and yet felt silly when I realised that I am way past my teens, yet the man can make me feel like I am 6 year old getting scolded. I guess that is the whole issue, is trying to move forward, and not feel bad just because "they are my parents". Mikej: I am riding the Buell up to SC, and well they have never been to a single event of my sons. He raced go-karts from the time he was 6 till he was about 14, and they never saw a race. They never showed for the awards day when he won the track championship, etc. I don't stand a chance of "running in to them" at all really. I have thought about calling, but there is that little voice that always says I'll regret it in the future. You know? They never approve of anything. My job, my new wife, my life, is never up to their standards. Thanks again, it's good to have an outlet Nick | ||
| Chasespeed |
Mikej: I am riding the Buell up to SC, and well they have never been to a single event of my sons. He raced go-karts from the time he was 6 till he was about 14, and they never saw a race. They never showed for the awards day when he won the track championship, etc. I don't stand a chance of "running in to them" at all really. I have thought about calling, but there is that little voice that always says I'll regret it in the future. You know? They never approve of anything. My job, my new wife, my life, is never up to their standards Nick, Some of the lines you mentioned in there, led me to believe, that if YOU wan tot maek the effort..at least try...but, it doesnt seem as though they want any part of their grandson's life..though I could be worng... I get on okay with my mother...and I havent spoken to my father, or his side of the family in a long time... It was always, you will never amount to anything, etc, etc...and yeah, i was an "accident" as well.. Then, when I started making something for myself, everyone on his side, said they were the reason I made it, I OWE them...etc etc.... Do I have a desire to make contact again, well, i ahev tried, and wont anymore...Is my daughter missing out? No, she has family that cares about her...and thats what matters to me, she doesnt need to be aorund the tension, at only 2 years old...not worth it... Is ti possible that things will be worked out down the line? Sure, ANYTHING is possible..I have made it this far, still alive, with all limbs, and only a couple skin and bone grafts...but hey...lol As far as your father making you feel like a kid... try this, IF you decide to make contact, and they agree, approach them, not a child/parent, BUT as equal adults...and remember, if he is that much older than you, you are gonna be ALOT more agile, and able to make any point you feel you must... Its going to be your choice...but, just knowign what I have read...if you have got on okay the last 3 years, without the problems or stress...why bring it back? Sometimes you ahev to know when to cut your losses, OR theirs in this case.., you seem to have it together...so, it would be THEIR loss... Sorry if it seems outta line... My 2 cents Chase | ||
| Bomber |
tough subject -- "look where you want to go" is great advice, definately -- sadly, by the time onme's mind is made up to try and reach out, it can very well be too late (on any one of a number of levels) -- I think you're doing the right thing, talkin it out -- you reptilian brain stem will most likely make up it's mind and guide you as to the best course of action for you -- no matter your choice, good luck, stand tall, and know that someone else's shortcoming are not your own | ||
| Xring |
Nick, Sorry you're having family problems. My own feeling is that family should be treated just like friends. Sometimes you fight and you both get over it; sometimes friendships dissolve. Family members are thrust upon you; you didn't ask for the parents you have. It's not your fault that they are abusive. Now, mental illness makes this more complicated. If your Dad needs help, you may feel compelled to help him; but remember, he is still capable of making decisions and controlling his behavior (maybe not as well as "normal" people, but to some extent anyway) If it was me, I'd stay away. And I'll repeat this: It's not your fault. Good luck, Bill | ||
| Eor |
Your parents are toxic. Concentrate on your son. Brake the chain. It's your time now. | ||
| Vegasbueller |
Chase: Some very valid points. Thanks. You are right, I have tried, over and over. They want to be a part of my life and his, but only on their terms/conditions. And yep, I have heard the whole "you'll never amount to anything" story line so many times. I have tried on so many occasions to just have an "adult" conversation, but it always leads back around to a conversation about all my faults, and how I will never accomplish what my brother has. And..you aren't out of line at all. I appreciate the input! bomber: Thanks man. Another good point. My dad is in his 80's now looking towards 90. I have no idea how long he will live. (one good thing in my family is that the men seem to make it to their late 90's LOL) But yes, I play with that in my mind all the time. The "what if they called me tomorrow and said he was dead". What would I do? What could I do? Nothing at that point. Xring (Bill):Thanks as well. It does take some time to really understand, even as adults that it really isn't our fault. It is amazing to me, at my age the guilt that they can put on me. The past few years have had their own ups and downs. I do have constant reminders. One being my lack of hearing in one ear. Every time that I have to say "huh" or "Say again" it reminds me, even as old as I am now. The mental illness had it's own tolls as well. Their is nothing more frightning than seeing a person that was your dad instantly forget who you are, swear you are satan trying to kill him and being ready to fight. I was the one that mom always called on when he got violent. I have had to wrestle him to the ground to take him to the car for a trip to the doctor. Eor: I think I own that book and have never cracked the cover on it. Thank you for reminding me of it! And again guys, thanks. It may not be along the forum subject line, but it does help. Nick | ||
| Budo |
Lots of good advice here. Considering your parents behaivor, I would recommend that you have no contact with them. I would also recommend that you get some kind of professional counselig. Sounds like you have a few unresolved issues and counseling can make a real difference. Good luck | ||
| Steve_mackay |
It's stories like these that make me very thankful for my parents, and upbringing. We(all 7 of us) really lead as close to a "beaver cleaver" life growing up as you can get. My parents were married for 52 years before my Mom passed away a few years ago. Thanks Nick for reminding me to go spend some time with my Dad!  | ||
| Loki |
Vegas, Make the effort to reach out. It may hurt, but at least you tried. You will know that you gave the effort and be at ease with the outcome. Whichever way it goes. I say this from experience. The last time I saw and spoke to the old man was my sisters wedding. No more than a few dozen words were exchanged in that weekend. He has since passed away. Long before that I had made a promise to my sister. I would come home at the appointed hour. I have some regrets and misgivings over this. Things I could have changed or made an effort to improve. Saying goodbye is one of them things. Going home for the funeral surprised the living carp out of his side of the family. That was the day I made peace with the past. My little sis reached out. Now her and our mother are on real good terms. By understanding and forgiving. I never really tried until it was to late with the old man. | ||
| Bcordb3 |
Go and see your son's game, then follow the advise of meeting in a mutual setting and let it go from there. No matter what, they are your parents. | ||
| Blake |
I think Mike nailed it. The man is wise for sure. If I knew you better, I'd have more advice. Alternatives range from changing one's own demeanor (self deprecation can sometimes work wonders) to toting a 4' length of 2x4. If you do end up seeing them, one tact that works wonders for me with difficult folks is to make the initial engagement a purely positive one for the other person/people. Start out conversation with a sincerely warm greeting and a compliment. Initiate conversation in a topic which they really enjoy, something they are very interested in or proud of, and don't feel threatened if that topic is a sibling of yours... "You look great, wow must be all the great food from your bodacious vegetable garden; you using compost this year?" Stuff like that. Avoid your own personal agendas at all cost. Toss your ego out the window while visiting with them. You won't believe how good you'll feel afterwards knowing that you were the one that directed the positive interaction rather than letting yourself be swept away with consternation. It may hurt a little during the experience, but afterwards you'll feel great. I'm not saying to let them ambush you or denigrate you; if that happens it's best to simply cut teh conversation immediately, say your goodbyes and politely leave the premises. Do that a few times and they'll hopefully soon learn to avoid that type of behavior. Good luck. You try Dr. Phil on this yet? | ||
| Nemster |
Finally I found a message board where I have a lot in common with most of the members. I too am looking 37 in the face (Oct. 4). I think we all have some issues somewhere in our lives. Parent issues are among the toughest. I can't tell you what is right for you 'cause only you know that. I can tell you this. My father wasn't there for me a lot when I was growing up. He even admits it now. I was the normal rebellious kid with the long hair and earrings and tattoo's. My father is a minister and was for 30 some odd years. One day he woke up and couldn't move. He has been paralyzed ever since. My mother has to care for his every need. Anyways, he recently was rushed to the emergency room for chest pains. Come to find out he had 95% blockage in his heart. They gave him 5 stints. It was at this time I truly realized that if I ever lose him it will devastate me. It doesn't matter to me what has happened in the past. He had his reasons, now I have mine. I was doing a lot of parting at one time in my life and I admitted to my mother that I was. It devastated them both. I haven't done any drinking or anything in almost 2 years and just recently got a promotion at work. To finally have my parents feel pride for me is unlike anything I have ever felt (I don't feel like they have ever been proud until now). My whole point is that you only have one set of parents. No matter what happened then you can decide what happens now!!!!!!!!!! OK I will shut the hell up!!!!!!!  | ||
| U4euh |
Hey Vegas, lots of good advice here. One thing I have learned from staring death in the face, was try. Make an attempt, if it doesn't work out and something bad happens to them, you will not have the guilt of "I should have done....,I could have....". Call them from the nuetral place after your sons engagement. Tell them what you feel and would like some input on which way they would like to see you or not. If not, make it clear that you have tried and will move on with your life. If so, I think Blake hit on some good thoughts. Start positive, stay positive, if it can't stay positive tell them you love'em and go. But I beleive that not attempting is setting yourself up for a very guilty feeling on day. You mentioned a brother, does he live near by? Maybe have him contact them and come to the gathering to help control dad a bit. Good luck in what ever you choose, but keep up the good work with your son. That means something to him. | ||
| Sportsman |
Searching for parental approval wiil make you feel worthless. It's rare to non existant from my experience. You know who you are, and you know what you've overcome. The best advice I've read is accept responsibility for what you're responsible for (and have some control of) and work on that. Focus on your son. He'll hate you anyway as a teen, but knowing you did everything you could will let you sleep at night. Maybe not well when you know he's off getting a new tatoo, but not doing your best will be a regret forever. Start thinking of your Dad as already dead. | ||
| Blake |
That sure is a dark view on life. Yech. | ||
| U4euh |
Dark indeed.  | ||
| Hans |
Vegasbueller, I got a regular Sunday beating for the better of 13 years. I still don't know exactly why either. I really think you need professional help, to be able to cut yourself loose from the child molesters, who happen to be your parents. (And don`t spoil your son with overprotection,  ) Hans | ||
| Xring |
I have some close friends whose neighbors had a very similar situation. The husband came from an emotionally abusive home and had curtailed contact with his family years before. His new wife couldn't accept this, and gradually convinced him to become active with his family again. It was a big mistake; they both wish he had left well enough alone. He went from hurting about it, to accepting it, and having a normal, healthy life; after trying to interact with his family again, a "living hell" was the description, I believe. Some things are out of your control. How other people treat you is one of those things. You may be able to sometimes influence it, but never control it. Staying away in this case isn't the perfect solution, but it is the one I would advocate. Good luck, Bill | ||
| Jlnance |
Nick - Sorry about your situation. Sounds like it did and does suck. You don't say much about your mom. Could you have a decent time with her if your dad weren't with her? | ||
| Gschuette |
I like MikeJ's advice. Well thought out and a neutral location is always a good thing. | ||
| Vegasbueller |
Guys... I can not believe all the kind words, and great advice. I didn't want any of you think I had ignoired any of it. When I get a few minutes today, I want to sit down and answer all the ones that have posted. Thanks again..... | ||
| Benm2 |
Nick, Tough situation for sure. If you want to reopen that relationship, I'd say its likely that they haven't changed. If you want to extend the olive branch in the interest of rebuilding the relationship, be prepared for it to be rejected. I wouldn't look to drag up any old hurts, but more to move forward from a fresh start. If the talk is just as hurtful as before and you can't take it, just smile, excuse yourself and leave. Don't argue back, just go. You'd have tried. If it moves forward even a little, you'll have made progress. My two cents, try to move forward, don't look back, and be prepared to bail before any fighting starts. Ben | ||
| Vegasbueller |
Budo: I did try counseling a few years back, and the first thing that the lady said was "get into church". I looked at her and asked if she had heard a thing I had just said. And yep, the more I read of my own writing I do understand that I have more issues than I can count. You know, I think my wife has been one of my best therapists, and a mentor of sorts. She has taught me much in the past 6 years. Steve M: I envy you. It is great to hear the good stories. It is nice to know that some families to have that "Brady Bunch" life. Loki: You hit it right there. There is that feeling that when it is over it is too late. Not just too late to say goodbye, but even too late to say all the things that are on my mind about how I was raised. I am sorry for how it ended for you. Bcord: Sadly, that is the one thing in life that we don't get to choose huh? Blake: hehe no Dr. Phil just yet! I actually though that just cutting my losses and never looking back the day that I hung up the phone after simply saying "I am sorry that is how you feel". I understand exactly what you mean about leaving the ego at home. I had hopes that being like that would change things. Thanks for the advice. Maybe the 2x4 would work? Nemster: Just to know tha there is one other person in the world that can say that they have had parent issues in their 30's is a comfort. I am a little different though. I didn't party, drink, and probably never smoked a whole pack of cigs collectively my entire life. (although I do enjoy a fine cigar from time to time) I understand seeking their approval. hence the reason that I joined the fire department right after high school. I did that for 7 years, all the time hearing how I never "had it as tough as they did back in the day". The only time I ever thought they were proud of me was when I was accepted on the local SD as a helo pilot. That lasted about a year till he decided that I didn't make enough money and could have been an airline pilot. blahh, blahh. That was the point 6 years ago that I pulled up my tent stakes and literally headed west. I moved to a town in Washington state that was as far as I could get without going to Canada. I have slowly worked my way back east now LOL. Sportsman: My son is already 19, and doing really well for himself. He and I don't always see eye to eye, but I certainly don't pound him for making his own choices. Hans: I have already been through some counseling. I have to say that just being able to let it out here has helped more than anything has in quite some time. Thanks Bill: Living Hell would be a good way to put it. We were/are the poster family for disfunctionality. jl: Actually no. She was/is as big an abuser as he was, just in different ways. She did her own hitting and verbal attacks. She was more the religious nut than him. Everything I have done, including a divorce was some sin against God. My new wife is a Vegas native, and a real sweetheart. She was also divorced, and a child of an abusive family. This somehow made her "tainted" to my family and they have nothing nice to say to her either. To everyone: Thank you again for all the advice, comments, and just plain openly listening to me. It is hard (the ego i suppose) for us as men to have these discussions. Funny I seemed to have picked this place, but it has brought some comfort knowing that I am not the only soul in the world that knows how this feels. Nick | ||
| Bomber |
relationships with your parents can be very trying -- if nothing else, they are, after all, your parents, which of course means, you are the child -- it's hard growing out of that relationship, and it takes backbone and effort on the part of all involved I'll not comment on anyone else's experiences or the tint of their world views, as we all have followed different paths to get to today, yes? advise is likewise easier to give, specially if it worked for the advice giver -- we all make up our own minds, go to what we perceive is the best location -- bout all you can hope for from friends and well-meaning strangers is the pointing-out of things you may not have considered, and, of course, an ear (which is something we all of us need, I'm thinkin) I hope this works out well for you, Nick, no matter how you define well . . . | ||
| Budo |
"Budo: I did try counseling a few years back, and the first thing that the lady said was "get into church"." There are lots of bad counselors out there. Please try again. Be sure to go with someone that is certifiled and accrediated. Not someone from church or wherever that is called a 'counselor' with no formal training etc... All you gotta do is find the right one for you and it will make a difference. Sounds easy but it is not. If you don't like or have a good rapport with your shrink then none of it will help. I was/am carryin around alot of emotional baggage, nothing like you but still some issues and counseling helped me abunch, but it does vary from person to person. Good luck, be well. | ||
| Jessicasdad |
Vegas .. just wanted to tell you .. I am 37 .. almost 38 now ... and I have really not had solid contact with either of my folks for about the last 20 years .... and like you it has been my wife that has been my greatest source of everything... when I was growing up neither of my parents "raised" me, it was my Grandmother whom I spent my summers with growing up till she passed that I credit with who I am. The one thing that I have come to know in life is this, "people can teach you one of two things: how to do something and how something should not be done." take this for whatever you like but even the worst person in our lives can at least show us a person the we DO NOT want to become. Your son should be everything to you, I know that my daughter is to me. The only thing that I do is send my parents photos of all three of the children that my wife and I are raising our daughter who is almost 2 1/2 and her two from a previous marriage. I love them all as if they were my own, though at times it is hard. My wife's advice to me," do whatever it takes for YOU to be happy" that way the people around you can be happy too......one other thing "life is too short for unpleasant moments" |
