| Author | Message | ||
     Jaimec |
My brother drove down from Vermont and surprised me late Wednesday night. He stayed with me all day Thursday when I had to make the funeral arrangements and only left Friday morning after I had to positively identify her body before it went to the crematorium. That was hard, because that will be my LAST memory of her... lying cold in a pine box. I got another surprise from my niece who drove up all night from North Carolina to spend the day with her uncle. I haven't seen her since she moved down there just before the pandemic hit. THAT was a big surprise. She's heading back home because she has to work tomorrow. Now it's just me, and the cat wondering where his "Mommy" could be. At least my head is clear enough that I might even take a bike out for a ride today. First stop is the police station to dump all of her prescription medications (dear GOD I had no idea she had so many... I knew she took a lot, but actually gathering up all of the bottles was a shock). The only condolence I have is that she is no longer in pain. She was always in so much pain in these last few years. I swear, she was the STRONGEST person I ever knew. | ||
| Teeps |
Jaimec, Sorry for your loss. What you are doing here is exactly how I cope with loss of loved ones. By talking about her and remembering and sharing with anyone who will listen. Sudden loss or extended downward spiral they both end the same; neither is easy... | ||
| Griffmeister |
Jaime, so sorry for your loss. I suppose I should consider myself one of the lucky ones to have met her at the Dino that day. Just remember that we are all here for you. | ||
| Wolfridgerider |
I am so sorry for your loss...nothing I could type could convey how much... just sitting at the kitchen table, watching my wife bake cookies... realizing how blessed I am | ||
| Marksm |
My condolences for your loss. These things only get easier to deal with over time. We lost our daughter suddenly the day after her first birthday. Grieve and Live... Remember the good times. | ||
| Hughlysses |
Jaime- I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have some good family who is looking out for you. | ||
| Two_seasons |
I know your pain brother Jaime. Sometimes you'll just breakdown and start sobbing. Loved ones help us to grieve through our pain. You are in my prayers. | ||
| Buellerxt |
Jaime, Losing my wife is my greatest fear. I feel so bad for you and hope friends and family can help you get past the hardest times. Think about her and the joy she brought you, Jaime. Cry hard and grieve. My thoughts are with you. | ||
| H0gwash |
I lost my better half, my best friend and mentor of 26 years on March 7th this year. He was recovering from a relapse of cancer, but ultimately his worsening COPD and heart trouble surrounded him after 2 weeks of hospice care here at the house. There was a significant age difference between us, so all along we were simply planning on delaying the inevitable, and I think we succeeded in that. I feel awful that you are having to deal with this so suddenly but I am confident you will find your way through this with time, and with the support of your friends, your family and your spirituality. How have I coped with this? Fortunately I have been able to spend a lot of time doing nothing normally considered productive. I spent that time distributing or donating his stuff to family, friends, and strangers, moving out the roommate, fixing up the last construction issues on his house for potential sale, getting rid of tons of our junk left in the backyard, and certifying his trust. I quit smoking pot because he requested that. Puppy knew the alpha died by the scent I think, and still requires attention because he thinks his pack is abandoning him. I'm fixing our fleet of vehicles all of which I've totally neglected the last 3 or 4 or 5 years and which have all have big (to me) issues. During that time I reflected on his life, explained to his family and many friends what happened and what they meant to him, posted on his Facebook page the best pics of his family, his friends, and wrote a couple kickass memorials and obituaries that characterized his humor, his joy, his irony, and exposed some of his hidden pain which was essential for even his family and long time friends to better understand who he was all these years. I am still collecting phone numbers of many of his old friends for his memorial once I know if I can remain living in his house or if I have to move out and sell it to repay his reverse mortgage. (I am a surviving, non borrowing spouse of a pre 2014 reverse mortgage.) I think it will be the local barbeque place he liked just around the corner. Just this past weekend I attended a little bike run and per his request, left some of his ashes there under a tree which overlooked the reservoir and where he could watch all the bikers come an go every weekend. I once thought I was like the Tin Man who didn't have a heart, but you know you have one when it shatters. It has broken many times since. It is the curse of surviving but finding your way through such an awful event is important because it helps teach others how surviving trauma can be done. IMHO take as much damn time as you need, you need to look out for #1. Those who won't give you time are not your friends. Don't do anything that isn't the right thing to do, and only do the important things once you know how it is best done. Some things will not get done and maybe that's because they are no longer important. I think it is better to do things late than to do things wrong; I think this makes the healing and adjusting to a new life quicker. I wish I had more and better advice to give, but really I'm sort of improvising too. I wish you peace and understanding and am looking forward to you finding your way through this dark forest and getting back to enjoying the better things in life. (Message edited by h0gwash on June 29, 2021) | ||
| 86129squids |
Never thought I'd say this, but... somehow, this thread has become one of the best things ever.  | ||
| Big_island_rider |
Jamie, My sincerest condolences for you loss. We lost our son at birth and while the loss of a new born in no way compares to the loss you your wife of many years, I can give you what wisdom I have learned since my loss. Realize that you are allowed to grieve in your own way no matter what that looks like. Sometimes I have no problems with the loss and other times I cry like a baby at the memory. Both are totally acceptable IN THAT MOMENT. Your grief will be like the ocean where the tides come and go and where it can be flat calm one day and a raging storm the next. Well meaning people will stay stupid shit trying to make you feel better. Look past their well intentioned bad choice of words to what is in their hearts trying to reach out to help you through your grief. Realize that the smallest thing can be a trigger for your grief. The cat walking the house looking for your wife, a favorite tv show or whatever. Just know that for a time the outside world will cause you unintended pain for no reason you can explain. Just let it flow through you and let it pass. Not long after my son died, while in a grocery store, a father called out his son's name which was my son's name. It was everything I could do to get out of the store without breaking down. Realize the depth of pain you feel is a reflection of the love you had for your wife. Not much condolence but the two are different sides of the same coin. You had years of love for your wife and you may have years of grief. Do not expect it to be over quickly. Just realize it is a mark of your love for her. Rely on trusted friends and family to help you in any capacity you trust them to with your grief. I do not mean to be an ass but some people might try and take advantage of your grief. Be vigilant about who to trust, especially in the beginning. Life will go on, hard as it will be, and you will survive and eventually thrive. Believe in yourself and that you are loved by those around you and here in this community. | ||
| 86129squids |
DANG. IT. I haven't mentioned the fact that my sis is a retired hospital chaplain, as of late last year. She put me on the right path at age 11. Out of a baker's dozen doctoral students, she was runner-up for best thesis. I try to follow her lead. | ||
| Jaimec |
Last night I was watching the penultimate episode of "Lucifer." If you haven't seen it yet, I won't spoil anything but the final act SHOULD have been a trigger... but I was emotionless. I appreciated the actors' performances but I KNEW it wasn't real... they were just playing parts. I somehow felt that I should be completely falling apart, but I wasn't. I thought MAYBE I'm starting to heal. But then I started reading the new posts on this thread and I'm crying like a baby again... | ||
| 86129squids |
It's all Greek. Both faces, that's all you get in this life. I try to work out an average, at least I was born a Gemini. We've got one another's back in this place. | ||
| 86129squids |
When I'm having a tough time, I turn to MY favorite music. Jazz. In general, most here know my love of WDVX, but... when the world flies at me and tries to lower things for me, I get back into my jazz. And classical music. The brothers Marsalis are a good, great example. They've done jazz and classical equally well, which means world class. Wynton did a duet recording with Willie Nelson even. Dang good stuff. The Police. When the band ended, Sting assembled a king-hell band. Omar Hakim on skins (!!!), Darryl Jones on bass, Branford on sax and percussion, et al. ALL magnificent. And... Kenny Kirkland. Kenny Kirkland and Branford Marsalis once played at UT's old gym, here in Knoxville. Small band backing them, but- I got to meet both men after the show. Gentlemen. I shook Kenny's hand and Branford's, an amazing show. Kenny passed not too long after, pain meds got him. He's my favorite piano player, right up there with Chick Corea. Both now in Heaven with John Prine even. Find the video of Bring On The Night, IN ITs ENTIRETY, preferably a DVD copy. That's a documentary of the Blue Turtle's first tour. Award winning. I also have the 2 CD set. Got a VCR copy if you want it. You will be amazed. When my parents died, I turned to Chick. Eye of the Beholder in particular. He's got a great solo album or several. Or, Bill Evans' new, NEW "Some Other Time". Newly discovered recording from The Black Forest. A go to, anytime, is Herbie Hancock's New Standard. Amazing. And, when you're ready, Annie Lennox' Medusa. Be careful with that one though. Mesmerizing and beautiful, but for you, think through the song list first. Ooohh!!! Esperanza Spalding. And Victor Wooten's first solo recording, A Show Of Hands. I've seen that man do a standing backflip, not missing a note, to stick the landing. He's a mutant with BROTHERS, friend. | ||
| 86129squids |
Bill Frisell!!! Dang!!! on a par with Knopfler. Gone, Just Like A Train is the album, there's a tune that sounds like Knopfler burned one. Let me know the genre, I'll get back with you. | ||
| 86129squids |
Eric Reed just came on. Garden Of Sorrow. Unbelievable. Sounds like Chick a bit on the intro, just the choice of keys there. | ||
| 86129squids |
Listening to Jazz24. | ||
| 86129squids |
Well- a website just locked me into a wait. Oh well... I went and picked up my latest Smithsonian. Sis gets me a 'scrip, has done so for a long time. GREAT magazine. If you have a good li-berry handy, head there. We've got a great one on the greenway here. | ||
| Jaimec |
Went out to dinner with some friends last night. One of my friend's bike broke down and wouldn't start once we arrived at our destination. In trying to get it going we ended up eating later than planned and got caught in a thunderstorm. Fortunately there was a break in the downpour and I was able to leave the restaurant and get some safely (yet soaked from road spray). It did take my mind off of things, but that wasn't EXACTLY what I had in mind when I decided to go out to dinner with my friends... | ||
| 86129squids |
God laughs at us, but mostly, with us. Always. | ||
| 86129squids |
Just got tix to Los Lobos, with Steve Earle and the Dukes. The following Saturday... | ||
| Mnscrounger |
"It did take my mind off of things, but that wasn't EXACTLY what I had in mind.." I think that answers your original posted question perfectly. You don't "cope", you don't "move on", you will always remember, and you will grieve when you need to. Just keep on living, and the curve balls of life will take your mind where it needs to be for you. | ||
| Whisperstealth |
Jamiec, I'm Very sorry for the loss of your wife. You have my sincere condolences. I can not imagine losing a person of such huge significance in my life. I wish I had some great words to share, but I've never been good at this kind of thing. You do have my thoughts and prayers. Be well, and ride on. | ||
| 86129squids |
For those that don't know Los Lobos, you really should. They are a bucket-list must-see band, ESPECIALLY at the Mother Church of Country Music. I've seen Steve Earle and the Dukes a good many years ago in Knoxvegas, a great show. "Hearing, the ear, is the truest of the senses." Soren Kierkegaard https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaa rd | ||
| Jaimec |
I've taken all of the data off of her laptop and recreated her system as a VirtualBox appliance. She had HOURS of videos she recorded of her garden over the years, as well as her observations around the house. She was so proud of her garden and spent most of her time digging around in it. I've pulled out her hard drive for safe-keeping and installed a really old one I had in storage. On to that I installed and configured a base version of Linux Mint Ulyssa. The laptop is pretty banged up (she had a problem with her fingers and occasionally dropped it, but ThinkPads are built like tanks so the damage is all cosmetic) but usable. I figure I can give it away to a friend or donate it somewhere. I've got what's important. The next door neighbor has volunteered to help me care for it since I know next to nothing about it. I figure I can learn a little something just by watching these videos. As a bonus, I can hear her voice again whenever I want. I just wish I had similar videos of my Mom. Sadly, her voice is lost to me forever other than in my memories... and we know how reliable that becomes over time. | ||
| 86129squids |
Well... Here goes. Sitting here typing, with ~1hr sleep in me. We have Rocky, and D'Ogee. Rocky went to cluster last night- seizures. He's been on meds for seizures now, for years. We had been tapering down the pheno, hoping to wean him off it. Can't be done. I crossed the river to UTK Veterinary Hospital driving, with M holding him through yet another grand mal. On AhllKillYa 129N. Stress tempers steel. UTK War Dog Memorial Neyland All is well. What strength is given, it shall return to you. | ||
| 86129squids |
Rocky's gonna be OK, but- here comes the weekend. He runs when he hears me with fingernail clippers. | ||
| 86129squids |
My war dog D'Ogee held down the fort, was waiting as we arrived @...? 10am. Figuring out sleeping arrangements... ? I've always said that fish and birds are the easiest pets. There is a bird rescue outfit in Hermitage TN. Will be going next time to Nashvegas. Hopefully the vintage pinball and arcade game place, I'll rule it! M and I are OK in general, the 5oclock hour will be monumental and epic. I've never had children, all I've ever had are critters. Enough for now. | ||
| Jaimec |
Yeah, all of my charges have been covered in fur or scales. Never had any fine feathered friends though I swore I was going to get a parrot when my last dog had to be euthanized. I was tired of feeling like an axe-murderer... a parrot could potentially outlive me. |
