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Ourdee
Posted on Saturday, January 14, 2017 - 02:36 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

I got this from Gary on another forum:

Subject: First "President Trump" Joke

A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.

Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and the governments asked for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world was in shock.

Great Britain sent troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia sent oil and monetary assistance.

Latin American countries sent clothing.

New Zealand and Australia sent sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries sent labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada sent medical teams and supplies.

The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, sent two million replacement Muslims.
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Torquehd
Posted on Wednesday, January 18, 2017 - 08:12 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Some AMAZING Chinese knock-off toys for your kids!

Woody SMASH!

Sense of Right Alliance, featuring Shrek and Lighting Mcqueen!

The furniture of law enforcement!


I'm sorry, Harry and Sonic, that you're forced to share a backpack with Obama.
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Midknyte
Posted on Thursday, January 19, 2017 - 11:07 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

http://jalopnik.com/fast-furious-but-with-the-litt le-rascals-1791359714
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Slaughter
Posted on Thursday, January 19, 2017 - 01:13 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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Kenm123t
Posted on Thursday, January 19, 2017 - 05:11 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Slaughter wasn't that the guy from Sons of Anarchy ?
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Orman1649
Posted on Thursday, January 19, 2017 - 05:41 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

na, he was into that

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Airbozo
Posted on Thursday, January 19, 2017 - 06:43 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

While traveling in Houston last week, we stayed at the Airport Sheraton. When we checked in the events sign informed us about ERSICSS Coronation. We were intrigued by the thought of royalty in our hotel, so we dropped off the bags and headed back downstairs to see what was up.

As we walked towards the elevator, several _women_ were walking down the hall in beautiful gowns and big hair (it was Texas after all). As we boarded the elevator, it dawned on me what the coronation was for and those _women_ were Drag Queens. The wife noticed as we got to the elevator lobby.

Two rather large and hairy men got on after us wearing long shorts and leather vests. When they got on the elevator and turned around, they were wearing Houston Bears patches on the back of their vests. I almost started giggling looking at the wife trying to figure it out.

We got off the elevator and headed towards the festivities, but were told it was a private event and we were not dressed accordingly, so we went back to the bar.

I almost spit out my water as the wife asks me about the sports team on the vests the guys were wearing and why they were dressed OK but we weren't. I literally started crying with laughter as I tried to explain it to her. I watched as her eyes got the size of baseballs and she too started crying and fell off her bar stool.

She surely led a sheltered life as a kid, because she grew up in San Jose and HAD to know what was going on north of her. I guess not.

The following night, we left our nice clothes on and went to the bar for a drink and met a really nice older lady (mid 60's) who was with her "Gay Husband" (her words not ours). The SO started asking a bunch of questions, blatantly showing her naivety, when the gay husband (Gary) grabbed her hand and said "Girl this is your lucky day, you are coming with me!", and proceeded to drag her off down the hall. I finished my drink and went looking for her about 15 minutes later (after a great chat with my new lesbian friend). It took me a while to find her because she was surrounded by a group of drag queens chatting her up. My lesbian sugar mama, grabbed my hand and led me into the Ball, introduced me around and then took me over to her where we chatted with the group for about half an hour before heading off to our room.

She was shocked and awed with what she had just seen and could not believe we had to travel to Texas to see it.

She was such a sheltered child.

She also thought a Hummer was something you drove....
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Ourdee
Posted on Thursday, January 19, 2017 - 07:05 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

They are an entertaining lot. I had a female friend that I ran around with 30 years ago. I drug her to topless bars to play pool and she drug me to bars with numbers for names to play pool. One night she went to the restroom and a guy came to my table to ask me to dance. I said no and he got all huffy. Asked me if I didn't dance with men. His buddies had gathered around by then. I stood up, got in his face, and said, I don't mind dancing with men, I just don't want to dance with you. His buddies were all over him laughing. My friend came back and never knew what went down.

I started laughing as soon as I read Bear up above.
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Ourdee
Posted on Thursday, January 19, 2017 - 07:07 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

It was a couple of Lesbians that introduced me to my wife. One of them was my female friend.
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Aesquire
Posted on Monday, January 23, 2017 - 07:29 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

11 Minutes Can Be An Eternity

A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"

The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: "And, her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the trooper is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

The trooper asks: "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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Ducbsa
Posted on Saturday, February 11, 2017 - 06:43 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven.

God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving.

I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.


Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
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Froggy
Posted on Monday, February 13, 2017 - 06:00 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
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86129squids
Posted on Tuesday, February 14, 2017 - 01:11 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Two baby seals walk into a club...
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1313
Posted on Tuesday, February 14, 2017 - 06:38 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Two men walked into a bar.

You would have thought the second one would've been more observant.
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Sifo
Posted on Friday, February 17, 2017 - 11:51 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim Bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me.
I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?"
The clerk said, "Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!" I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
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Froggy
Posted on Tuesday, February 28, 2017 - 03:25 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!
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Dennis_c
Posted on Tuesday, February 28, 2017 - 09:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Froggy you don't want me to live long do you if I say that.
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Alfau
Posted on Sunday, March 05, 2017 - 05:24 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
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Bluzm2
Posted on Wednesday, March 08, 2017 - 12:04 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

And they say there are no jobs available!

Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.
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Alfau
Posted on Saturday, March 11, 2017 - 04:29 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and also to complain.

Her golf pro, Roy, saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Clearly your feet were too far apart.'
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Alfau
Posted on Sunday, March 19, 2017 - 04:38 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Women...give them an inch...and they'll fake a smile
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Brother_in_buells
Posted on Sunday, March 19, 2017 - 06:05 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Two Irishman are at the job centre looking for work.
So what are you trained in?" Asks the job centre rep.
Well I make women's knickers on a sewing machine and paddy here is a diesel fitter" replies Murphy.
Ok" says the job centre rep "I can get work for you at £7 an hour and work for paddy at £12 an hour"
How come he earns more than me?!" asks Murphy.
Because a diesel fitter is a skilled job where as a sewing machine operator isn't" replies the rep.
What the feck are you talking about" replies Murphy "its me that does all the hard, skilled work making the knickers.
He just sits there when I'm done, hold them up and says 'yep, diesel fitter!!
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86129squids
Posted on Sunday, March 19, 2017 - 07:37 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

I'm an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.

I lay awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog.
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Alfau
Posted on Sunday, March 19, 2017 - 07:58 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”

“That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis. That's why I came here in the first place.”
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Aesquire
Posted on Wednesday, March 22, 2017 - 10:50 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)


soylent
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Aesquire
Posted on Wednesday, March 22, 2017 - 10:52 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)


gaga
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Crusty
Posted on Wednesday, April 05, 2017 - 07:42 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Beer and the Wheel

Two of the most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain and that was
the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These
two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals. 2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which
was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the
Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women
have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community
organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and
invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer and they eat red meat.

Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen/women, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone whoworks productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true
believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm
going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks!
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Torquehd
Posted on Saturday, April 15, 2017 - 08:50 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

North Korea!

Best joke yet!
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Aesquire
Posted on Sunday, April 16, 2017 - 11:58 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Tax days! The joke is on us.
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Bandm
Posted on Monday, April 17, 2017 - 12:33 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said.

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog'
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