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Pwnzor
Posted on Monday, November 21, 2016 - 08:04 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

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Aesquire
Posted on Monday, November 21, 2016 - 06:56 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)



There is a lot of "American" food that is just horrible stuff. Chicken McNuggets, for example. ( Which I had yesterday for lunch )

Thanksgiving classic food is considered a treat because we don't make "normal" food as often as we should.

Excuse me, I'm going to go cook something.
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86129squids
Posted on Tuesday, November 22, 2016 - 12:38 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)



That was a great clip! And, yes, lots of 'Murican grub is kinda... ack! Seems I've read/heard of a book that chronicles the changes in American cooking dating from the WWII years, through the beginning of the Boomer years, when we got away from really cooking things...

We cook quite a bit here at my house. I've got to work Thanksgiving (GRRR!!) but I demanded that I'd be scheduled off on Black Friday. My sweetie plans to make my mom's/grandma's/great aunt's chicken and dumpling recipe, hopefully with green bean casserole... NOMNOMNOOOMMMMMM!

Looking forward to a great day. My old boss is planning a group lunch ride from SMHD down to Tellico Plains... I'd kinda like to go, but I'll probably be whooped from Thursday. Given the work that's involved in making dinner, maybe I'll stay home and help. ; )
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Crusty
Posted on Tuesday, November 22, 2016 - 04:11 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Isn't a dumpling a baby trash can?
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Tuesday, November 22, 2016 - 05:23 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Autozone."
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86129squids
Posted on Wednesday, November 23, 2016 - 12:48 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

"Isn't a dumpling a baby trash can?"



Took me a minute. Actually, the Dempster Dumpster originated from a Knoxvillian.

http://www.google.com/patents/US2150821

Fun stuff!
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Sifo
Posted on Thursday, November 24, 2016 - 11:26 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

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Alfau
Posted on Saturday, November 26, 2016 - 07:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

This has an indisputable mathematical logic.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint...
and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might
help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that while Hard work and Knowledge will get
you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put
you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they
are!
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86129squids
Posted on Sunday, November 27, 2016 - 11:35 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

THAT is classic, Alf! Thanks, I'm copying that...
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Alfau
Posted on Sunday, November 27, 2016 - 04:56 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

You'll love this one then.

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbers shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse"

The second barber turned to Obama saying "How about you?"

Obama replied "Go ahead, my wife doedn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Glitch
Posted on Monday, November 28, 2016 - 06:04 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
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Tootal
Posted on Monday, November 28, 2016 - 10:12 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

OUCH!
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86129squids
Posted on Monday, November 28, 2016 - 12:30 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Glitch, thanks! My sis the Chaplain specializes in goofy jokes like that, just forwarded that to her!
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Sifo
Posted on Monday, November 28, 2016 - 12:45 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
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Sifo
Posted on Monday, November 28, 2016 - 12:46 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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Sifo
Posted on Monday, November 28, 2016 - 12:47 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When the punchline becomes apparent.



Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it's fully groan.



Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it leaves you and never comes back.
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Alfau
Posted on Monday, November 28, 2016 - 04:12 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Three men were sitting in a pub bragging to each other how they had set their new wives straight on their married duties.

The first man had married a woman from Sweden, and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes, laundry, and house cleaning that needed doing in their new house. He said it took a couple of days of not seeing much done, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, laundry done, and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had told his wife that she was to do all the dishes, laundry, house cleaning, and cooking. He told them on the first day he didn't see any results, the next day was a little better, and on the third day all was done and he had a hot meal on the table waiting for him.

The third man married an Australian woman. He bragged that he had told his wife that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the laundry washed and ironed, the lawn mowed, the car washed, three hot meals a every day, and when he was coming home from work to have a pint waiting for him when he walked in the door. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye!
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Blake
Posted on Monday, November 28, 2016 - 10:47 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually the son returns home, but he's become a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment, and says, "that's odd; I sent my son to Israel as a Jew, and he also returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a moment and then said, "that's odd I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how they all returned as Christians."

There is a moment of silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "that's odd…"
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Tuesday, November 29, 2016 - 01:20 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth
and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your
upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about
his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises
his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and the testicles gently in the other. She looks
very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says, very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Sifo
Posted on Tuesday, December 06, 2016 - 07:41 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)



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Glitch
Posted on Tuesday, December 06, 2016 - 10:35 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

You can lead a horticulture
But you can't make her think
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Ducbsa
Posted on Wednesday, December 14, 2016 - 04:45 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Two entrepreneurs taking a break while setting up their pop up store for Christmas; empty shelves, boxes lying around:
"Any time now some old biddy will poke her nose in and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough a senior citizen stops and asks "What are you selling?"
Tired and more than a little crabby one says "We're selling assholes."
"Hmm." she says. "Must be doing well. You've only got two left."
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Ducbsa
Posted on Friday, December 23, 2016 - 07:20 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)


poster
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Bandm
Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2016 - 04:43 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I’m in the gun shop next door to that."
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Gregtonn
Posted on Monday, December 26, 2016 - 02:21 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)



G
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Crusty
Posted on Tuesday, December 27, 2016 - 06:32 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl Game in Houston. He has a luxury suite reserved at the stadium, plus airline tickets valid from any US airport, a hotel suite, and tickets to attend two pre-game parties.
However, he somehow failed to realize that the game is scheduled for the same day as his wedding. So he can't go.

If you're interested, and if you’d like to go, instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5:00 pm. Her name is Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., a good cook and makes $180,000 a year as a stockbroker. She’ll be the one in the white dress
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Pwnzor
Posted on Tuesday, December 27, 2016 - 08:08 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

I'd heard that one before, but I think your version is better... got a good laugh out of it.
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Froggy
Posted on Friday, January 06, 2017 - 02:46 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head & Shoulders in the glove compartment.
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Ducbsa
Posted on Friday, January 06, 2017 - 05:41 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Oooo, that's bad!
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Reepicheep
Posted on Friday, January 06, 2017 - 08:33 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

I should probably feel bad for anyone who has a motorcycle accident, including large groups of aggressive, clueless, arrogant, selfish sportbike riders.

But I don't... especially if it looks like they will recover. I'm sure that guy wasn't happy, but I doubt he ended up dead.
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