| Author | Message | ||
     Midknyte |
A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender, "Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?" The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive." So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff. The bartender is speechless. "Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer." The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again. "Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?" The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then." The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears. "Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it." In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business. "I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant." "Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog. "Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!" "Nah," says the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist." | ||
| Pwnzor |
A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign on a fence post, reading "Talking Dog - $10.00" So he pulls down the driveway, finds the farmer who lives there and asks to see the talking dog. The farmer directs him around to the back of the barn, where he sees a dog laying in an old dog house. The man asks the dog, "so, can you really talk?" The dog replies, "of course I can talk. I used to work for the CIA and infiltrated enemy camps, where I would lie around listening to them discuss their secret plans and then report back to my superiors." The man is duly amazed, and immediately pulls out a $10.00 bill, finds the farmer and seals the deal. As the farmer is writing out the bill of sale, the man asks him why he would ever consider selling such a dog for only $10.00. The farmer replies, "because that dog is a damn liar, he was never in the CIA!"  | ||
| Aesquire |
https://pjmedia.com/lifestyle/2016/06/08/4-reasons -the-monkees-are-back-on-top/?singlepage=true I don't know where else to put this..... And I love it. ( plus that car! ) | ||
| Crusty |
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch. | ||
| 86129squids |
  OK John, your puns are great, but THAT was awesome. | ||
| Sifo |
A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit." | ||
| Slaughter |
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!" | ||
| Hootowl |
One wind turbine says to another, "What kind of music do you like?" It replies, "I'm a big metal fan." | ||
| Torquehd |
Great one, Hoot!  | ||
| Aesquire |
http://nypost.com/2016/07/04/im-a-millennial-and-m y-generation-sucks/ I think this is supposed to be funny. Had a run in with a "millennial" over my not friending her on Myface or some such. She failed to understand I just don't have a Myface account. Shocked at the notion that a free service that monitors my every moment has as a product, Me. And will sell Me to everyone who wants to sell me stuff. Amazon is bad enough, thank you. I have a buddy over and we look at dog kennels and I get dog ads for a year. ( and don't have a dog ) Then the nice child asked how I can do anything without social media? Got a total comprehension gap when I explained that social media isn't how I learned to ride a motorcycle, fly aircraft, study martial arts, or qualify as a first responder. How I'd occasionally done a selfie at a mile up in an open cockpit glider, but the PURPOSE wasn't to get a selfie, it was to get a mile up in an airplane without an engine. She failed to understand why that was hard, or an accomplishment if it wasn't streamed live. | ||
| Sifo |
Subject: 100 MPH Goat Two West Virginia hunters are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst. While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. "Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hundred miles an hour and jumped . . .headfirst into this here hole!!" The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible . .. I had him chained to a transmission." | ||
| Oldfartnbuell |
Sifo, You have to stop that right now! I about laughed myself to death! | ||
| Hootowl |
You matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy. | ||
| Reepicheep |
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| Midknyte |
Oldie but goodie https://youtu.be/vSK3maq8Cyk | ||
| Alfau |
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap. | ||
| Alfau |
AU Short film festival winner. https://www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0 | ||
| Slaughter |
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens daily for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?" "Yeah!" the bartender replies. "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck. "Of course," the bartender replies. "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??" | ||
| Froggy |
What makes an ISIS joke funny? The execution | ||
| Alfau |
That's a bit obscure! | ||
| Crusty |
Just don't lose your head over it! | ||
| Oldfartnbuell |
CRUSTY, good one! | ||
| Ourdee |
Alfau, The timing is a bit off in that joke. | ||
| Brother_in_buells |
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was shitfaced," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the decent thing to do to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Oi, do you still want a push?" he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing" | ||
| Sifo |
A big earthquake, with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale, hits the Middle East. Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments ask for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crop. The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. God Bless President Trump! | ||
| Hootowl |
http://sententiola.tumblr.com/post/121139533217/vi deo-of-venerable-tv-naturalist-david | ||
| Sifo |
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.. After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage... After a few drinks, the billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 year old hottie.. "It's simple" the billionaire boasts... "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips the billionaire responds "85 years old" | ||
| Strokizator |
The wife and I were relaxing on the sofa when she says, "I love you." OK, that was unexpected so I asked, "Is that you talking or the wine?" She replied, "That was me talking . . . . to the wine." | ||
| Alfau |
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement - Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' Luigi answers; 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks; ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, you stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...' Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ..... I thought my wig had fallen off. | ||
| Strokizator |
There's an e-mail making the rounds that has a subject line "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton". WARNING: IF YOU RECEIVE THIS, DO NOT OPEN IT It contains nude photos of Hillary Clinton  |
