| Author | Message | ||
     Chauly |
Ahem. We'll be the judge of that... | ||
| Ponti1 |
Ahem. We'll be the judge of that... Okay, good enough for me...First attempt is just a new one from today. Not great, but gave me a chuckle. If Caitlyn Jenner went missing, would the picture show up on a bottle of tranny fluid? | ||
| Strokizator |
I'm guessing a carton of Half & Half | ||
| Ponti1 |
I'm guessing a carton of Half & Half See...I need to go back to silent observer...Yours was better than mine!  | ||
| Chauly |
Heck, I told that joke to a 90 year-old woman and she nearly died! (No, not REALLY died, just laughed...:-) Not rude at all... Try harder. | ||
| Midknyte |
https://youtu.be/FMBchZmPlXA | ||
| Just_ziptab |
Muslim Book Store So, I was walking through the mall in Boston and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientèle, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk said, "F--- off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?" | ||
| Big_island_rider |
Someone asked who my favorite X-Men character is. Apparently "Bruce Jenner" is not an appropriate answer. | ||
| Sifo |
She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?" I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!" "Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?" | ||
| Crusty |
Old Doctor McCoy walks into his favorite bar after a particularly rough day in the Emergency Room, just wanting to relax with his friends and and have a drink or two to take the edge off. As he sits down, he notices that everybody has a glass with a green colored mixed drink that has a piece of wood sticking out of it, and they’re all in a light hearted mood. His curiosity aroused, he turns to the guy sitting beside him and asks what the drink is. With a sh*t eating grin, the guy says, “I thought you’d never ask! It’s a Hickory Daiquiri, Doc!” | ||
| Crusty |
So a south seas island chief decided he wanted to be king. So he ordered a throne from France and ruled very happily for six months and then got bored with it. So he stashed his fancy chair in the rafters of his hut. One night a big wind came up, blew the chair out of the rafters and smushed the chief dead. The moral here? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. | ||
| Reepicheep |
Crusty win's today. | ||
| Hootowl |
Yep. | ||
| Midknyte |
| ||
| Slaughter |
"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?" | ||
| Midknyte |
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough? | ||
| Alfau |
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work. The German doctor says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in an other's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!" | ||
| Alfau |
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba" | ||
| 86129squids |
 | ||
| Alfau |
Piss ant Bikies | ||
| Alfau |
Praise the Lord and pass the Bullets. (Message edited by alfau on September 17, 2015) | ||
| Midknyte |
| ||
| Alfau |
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. “What happened to you?” asked his wife. “I had a terrible day” replied Bob “I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection”. “Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half”. “I see”, said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?” Bob replied, ” …Wrong room …” | ||
| Midknyte |
| ||
| Ducbsa |
https://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM | ||
| Midknyte |
How Kawasaki's are made... https://youtu.be/ymqrl7F60U8 | ||
| Alfau |
I went to a zoo the other day where the only animal on display was a single dog. It was a Shihtzu | ||
| Xdigitalx |
Hillary Clinton. | ||
| Sifo |
That's not funny. | ||
| Crusty |
Sex Advice A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes I do," she answered. "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it," she responded. "Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care to not get pregnant." The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like Donald Trumph, George W. Bush, Harry Reid, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, Barack Obama, Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton come from?" (Message edited by Crusty on October 28, 2015) |
