| Author | Message | ||
     Aesquire |
CROW KILLS Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then called in a Government Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!!", not a single one could shout "Truck." | ||
| 86129squids |
Very good but we need a pancake bunny now. | ||
| Alfau |
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!" | ||
| Hootowl |
http://www.meltbuzz.com/2014/10/20-incorrect-yet-r emarkably-brilliant.html | ||
| Torquehd |
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| Sifo |
Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A friend of mine just got back from Africa & can't stop buying raffle tickets. I think he's caught Tombola. | ||
| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
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| Sifo |
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady “Do you have a vagina?” She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman “Do you have a vagina?” She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice “Honey, I’ll take tomorrow off just in case this guy shows up again”. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it’s the same guy I want you to answer ‘yes’ to the question because I want to see where he is going with it”. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same guy is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a vagina?” “Yes” she says. The man replies “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?” | ||
| Sifo |
Technically not a joke, but still very entertaining. | ||
| Crusty |
David and the King It was in the time of the King’s Castration, when countless Counts, No-counts, Discounts and Recounts all sat around swapping Camel Shit; for in those days, Bull Shit had not yet been invented. Over the hill rode David, who was sitting on his ass. “Ho!”, cried David. “What Ho?”, asked the King. “Ass ho!”, said David. “For that smart ass comment, you shall be thrown into the Lion’s Den, and be fed nothing but Ex-Lax and Water”, said the King. “But I’ll die!”, said David. “You’ll shit”, said the King. “Step forward, David”, said the King. David stepped forward boldly, but he slipped on a bit of Lion turd which he immediately picked up and threw at random. But it missed Random and hit the King. “Shit!”, cried the King. Whereupon forty thousand loyal subjects lowered their trousers to stress and strain; for in those days, the King’s Word was Law. “Where’s the Princess?” asked the King. “I’m afraid she’s in bed with Laryngitis, Sire.” replied a faithful retainer. “What! You mean she prefers the puny prick of the Persian Prince to the dangling dick of the Danish Duke?” asked the King. “I’m afraid so, Sire.” replied the retainer. “What about the Queen?” asked David. “Oh, f**k the Queen!” said the King Whereupon forty thousand loyal subjects trampled in a mad rush; for in those days the King’s Word was Law. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
"My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........ | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Sunbathing A widowed lady - very attractive - was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live a couple of miles away" he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and took her there and then. When the clouds of sand settled, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" | ||
| Aesquire |
http://patterico.com/files/2014/10/Screen-Shot-201 4-10-25-at-5.35.09-PM.png | ||
| Sifo |
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started in a local chemical plant and in the blink of an exploded into massive flames.The alarm went out to all fire department for miles around.When the fire fighters appeared on the scene,the chemical company president said to the fire chief "all our secret formulas are in a vault in the center of the plant and must be saved.I'll pay 50 grand to the fire department that brings them out intact. But the roaring flames held the fire fighters back. Soon more fire trucks were called in as the situation became desperate,as the firemen arrived the president upped the prize to 100 grand for any crew that could bring the secrets out intact. From the distance a lone siren was heard as an other fire truck came in sight, it was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company,composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight in the middle of the inferno,Outside,the other fireman watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time the Norsk old timers had the fire extinguised and had the secrets formulas saved.The gratefull company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200 grand and walked over to personally thank each of these brave old firefighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film,asking their chief,..."what are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell".. said Ole Larsen,the 70 year old fire chief,...."Da first thing ve gonne do is fix da brakes on dat ******* trock!". | ||
| Bolthead |
So the other day, while waiting to win the lottery, I made up the three following jokes. 1. My high school was so poor, it had a combined girls’ and boys’ locker room, so they wouldn’t have to pay someone to teach sex ed. 2. My high school was so poor, it only had three class periods a day, and on some days there were only two periods, because the English teacher needed the third one for punctuation. 3. My high school was so poor, that instead of giving out diplomas on graduation day, it had a going out of business sale and sold the graduating seniors diplomas at half-off. | ||
| Aesquire |
From today's Email. Subject: It's hard to beat Israeli technology! >> TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security >> device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. >> >> It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will >> detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. >> >> Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this >> crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and >> expensive trials. >> >> You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly >> thereafter, an announcement: >> >> "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat >> available on flight 670 to London . >> >> Shalom!" >> >> BRILLIANT >> >> It's hard to beat Israeli technology! | ||
| Sifo |
Wong Chow calls into work and says, “I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.” Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon... You got nice house!!!!! | ||
| Sifo |
Don't you hate double standards? If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does that, he's a homosexual... | ||
| Just_ziptab |
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.” | ||
| Sifo |
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice!" | ||
| Big_island_rider |
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| Kenm123t |
Crusty Could you look up the Ceremony that occurs when a King or Queen is ushered into the office? A little change may make your Joke a little more fun for the King involved.  | ||
| Crusty |
I googled Ceremony that occurs when a King or Queen is ushered into the office, but I have no idea of what you're referring to.  (Message edited by Crusty on November 20, 2014) | ||
| Chauly |
Coronation | ||
| Crusty |
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| Alfau |
A bloke is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do you charge?" The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job." The bloke says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money." The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?" "Yes." "And do you see the Wendy's across the street?" "Yes." "Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500." So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000." The hooker says, "No, $1500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!" The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500." The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?" "Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?" The hooker says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a pussy!" | ||
| Alfau |
British humour rules! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
British humour rules ! No that's what the Queen does. |
