| Author | Message | ||
     Hootowl |
"Wow Grumps! something you wanna share!" I think he already did. Great idea. I simply buried mine. Not very smart, in light of this new knowledge. | ||
| Crusty |
Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for christmas." The second guy said, "Damn, thats terrific! My son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!" The third man said "Well thats great! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!" The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for. One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" they asked the 4th guy. The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, "Thats a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied. "Nah, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
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| Crusty |
Oldie but goodie.... A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking, the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?" "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers, and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him, and saw to his horror that the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay . Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned. The man walked briskly back to the curio shop in Chinatown . "Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?" "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Politician." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right son.....go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid." The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question." The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!" So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!" "Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof." __________________________________________________ ___ I have been to the Doctor I've told him I have an obsession with land rovers and that when I cut myself I it won't stop bleeding . Doctor has said I'm addicted to brake fluid. Do you think he is right ? I reckon I can stop at anytime though. __________________________________________________ _____ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtS2Ikk7A9I Funny as hell. NSFW! __________________________________________________ _____ TOOLS EXPLAINED DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --' SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. __________________________________________________ _____ A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare officer? "Ten" replies the Liverpool girl, "Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker. "That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames" Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl? A. Granny. Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit? A. The bride. Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex? A. A bus shelter. Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving? A. The policeman. Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool? A. Father's day Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool? A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there! Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?' 'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan. An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit. A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing'. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' | ||
| Just_ziptab |
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair. | ||
| Crusty |
When Lena got off work, it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to get home. She sat in the car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered her husband's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not have to worry about going off the road or getting stuck in a snow drift. Sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she pulled out and began to follow it. As she followed the snowplough, she felt quite comfortable and smug as they continued on their way and she was not having any problem with the blizzard or road conditions. After some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped. The driver got out of the cab and came back to her car. He signalled her to roll down her window and asked if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. Lena said she was fine and told him of her husbands advice to follow a plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied it was okay with him and that she could continue to follow him if she wanted, .... but he wanted her to know that he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Applebee’s next. ************************************************** ************************************************** *************************************** After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, “You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?" He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot". She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************** Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders >EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!' ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************ I was in the pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar. Their accent sounded to me like Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And...that's the last thing I remember.... | ||
| 86129squids |
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| Crusty |
MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!" | ||
| Crusty |
THE ITALIAN FUNERAL DOG An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line." | ||
| Crusty |
Priests Retirement Dinner A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people. Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession. Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late | ||
| Crusty |
Morning Sex She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me & said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up & I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her & then gave it my all - right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," & returned to the stove, her tee shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken. | ||
| Cochise |
3 strings go to a bar. The first string asks if the other strings are as thirsty as him. They agree, he goes to the bartender and says, "bar keep, a beer for me and one for each of my friends." The bartender says, "sure, hey wait, are you guys strings?" "Yes sir", the string says. Bartender says, "well we don't serve your kind, beat it!" Same thing happens to the next string. The third string is so pissed off that his hair gets messed up and he gets all tied up, and goes to the bar and demands, "I need a beer and 1 for each of my friends or you'll be in trouble!" The bartender asks him if he is a string, and the string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot" ___________________________________________ So this baby seal walks into a club..... ___________________________________________ Tibideaux, Boudreaux, and a couple friends were out hunting and Tibideaux is accidentally shot and killed. They all argue who is going to tell Tibideaux's wife. Boudreaux says, "don ju worry 'bout nuttin', I got dat tack, I'll tole her. They travel back and Boudreaux goes to the door and when she comes to the door she asks, "who da hail be dere?" Boudreaux says, "excuse me dere, is you dat widow Tibideaux?" She says, "I sure as hail be dat Mrs. Tibideaux, but I tole you I ain't no widow" and Boudreaux says, "The hail you aint!!!" _________________________________________ I recently broke my leg in 2 places, I never want to go to those 2 places again | ||
| Crusty |
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different pub. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong" What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." - A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...." | ||
| Alfau |
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old man to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When the barber has finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does." | ||
| Jramsey |
The Wife Came Home Early From Work And Found Her Husband In Bedroom Doing Love To A Very Attractive Young Woman. She Cried: “You Are A Disrespectful Pig! How Dare You Do This To Me — A Faithful Wife, The Mother Of Your Children! I’m Leaving You. I Want A Divorce Right Away!” Husband Replied: “Hang On Just A Minute Love So At Least I Can Tell You What Happened.” She Sobbed: “Fine, Go Ahead, But They’ll Be The Last Words You’ll Say To Me!” And The Husband Began – Well, I Was Getting Into The Car To Drive Home, And This Young Lady Here Asked Me For A Lift. She Looked So Down And Out And Defenseless That I Took Pity On Her And Let Her Into The Car. I Noticed That She Was Very Thin, Not Well Dressed And Very Dirty. She Told Me That She Hadn’t Eaten For Three Days. So, In My Compassion, I Brought Her Home And Warmed Up The Enchiladas I Made For You Last Night, The Ones You Wouldn’t Eat Because You’re Afraid You’ll Put On Weight. Since She Needed A Good Clean-Up, I Suggested A Shower, And While She Was Doing That, I Noticed Her Clothes Were Dirty And Full Of Holes, So I Threw Them Away. Then, As She Needed Clothes, I Gave Her The Designer Jeans That You Have Had For A Few Years, But Don’t Wear Because You Say They Are Too Tight. I Also Gave Her The Underwear That Was Your Anniversary Present, Which You Don’t Wear Because I Don’t Have Good Taste. I Found The Sexy Blouse My Sister Gave You For Christmas That You Don’t Wear Just To Annoy Her, And I Also Donated Those Boots You Bought At The Expensive Boutique And Don’t Wear Because Someone At Work Has A Pair The Same. The Husband Took A Quick Breath And Continued: “She Was So Grateful For My Understanding And Help That As I Walked Her To The Door, She Turned To Me With Tears In Her Eyes And Said, “Please … Do You Have Anything Else That Your Wife Doesn’t Use?“ | ||
| Alfau |
Entrapment. Au comedian. http://www.youtube.com/embed/2kpjnGWPmj0 | ||
| Cochise |
Why is marriage like taking a bath? It's not so hot once you get used to it. | ||
| Cochise |
A writer for a hunting magazine gets writer's block and is told to travel the country for inspiration, so after 50 select cities he goes to a town in West Virginia and happens upon a store and asks if anybody knows anyone with some great hunting stories. He is told about Old Man Thompson at the senior care facility. "Mr. Johnson, do you have any good hunting stories?" The old man goes on to say, "The Serengeti, 1947, I was in deep brush with my sights set on a beautiful Gazelle, then all at once a huge ROOAAR......I tell ya, I crapped my pants". The writer says, "I hear ya sir, if that would have happened to me, I would have also shat myself.." Mr. Johnson say, "NO, just now when I went ROOAAR!" | ||
| Sifo |
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ." "Oh my God!," said Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper smiled and said, "We're gonna pull her back up again tomorrow." | ||
| Sifo |
Michael staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Michael sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Michael woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night, weren't you?' Michael said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing, me darlin'? 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. | ||
| Sifo |
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each to a field in which the pigs could mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the Station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were about worn out. About two weeks later the farmer with the female pigs was too tired to get out of bed. He said to his wife, "Honey, please go look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," replied his wife, "they're all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.” | ||
| Cochise |
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father? The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother' | ||
| Sifo |
Politicians are like sperm... One in a million turn out to be a human being. | ||
| Sifo |
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer. | ||
| Bluzm2 |
True,,, so true.. | ||
| 86129squids |
••••, thats funny. I meant to say Oh my Frickkin Gawd, God, that is, censored. Somehow I'm thinking the XX folks are underrepresented here... | ||
| Sifo |
Oh, the pity of old age..... When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours" I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" He sobbed, "I can't remember where the hell I live!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
First, you must prepare to leave the Shire for once and for all, and head for the hills. You will be pursued by the mysterious Black Riders, so you must try to take a shortcut through an eerie woodland called the Old Forest, where you will be captured by an evil willow tree and rescued by Tom Bombadil. He will give you shelter and warn you about the evil spirits of the Barrow-downs. You will blunder into trouble with the Barrow-Wights, but Tom will come to your rescue again. You must then loot the Barrows before continuing on your way, taking a short sword left over from the kingdom of Arnor's ancient war against the Nazguls. Your next stop shall be the village of Bree. There, at an inn called The Prancing Pony, you will meet a Man named Strider, whom the innkeeper will describe as a "Ranger." You will have to leave town hurriedly, and Strider shall offer to be your guide to Rivendell. To begin with, you will be suspicious of the Ranger until Butterbur produces a letter from Gandalf, informing you that Strider is actually Aragorn, chieftain of the Dunedain. You must then escape from the Black Riders in Bree, and purchase a pony from Bill Ferny, a suspicious character, before heading into the wilderness, taking a roundabout route to Rivendell. At a hill known as Weathertop, you will be ambushed by the Black Riders, and wounded. As you continue toward Rivendell, you will become increasingly ill, due to the evil nature of the dagger with which you were stabbed. Elrond, shall send people out looking for you, and one of these, an Elf lord named Glorfindel, will find you. Thanks to Glorfindel's horse (and some magical help from Elrond and Gandalf), you will be able to get by the Black Riders at the Ford of Bruinen and finally arrive at Elrond's stronghold, although your Barrow sword will be broken in the confrontation. When you awaken in Rivendell, the first person you meet will be Gandalf, who shall chastise you for all the boneheaded moves you've made so far. You will then be summoned to the Council of Elrond, where Gloin will report that agents of Sauron have been nosing around Erebor looking for you. Legolas will inform you that Gollum, who had been held in the custody of the Wood Elves, has escaped. Boromir will report that he had a dream in which he was told to seek the Sword That Was Broken, as well as "Isuldur's Bane". Aragorn will report that now that Isuldur's Bane has been found, the sword will be reforged. Gandalf will report that the former leader of the White Council, Saruman, has turned traitor and took Gandalf prisoner, although he escaped with some help from Gwaihir, the Lord of the Eagles). After much debate, the Council shall decide that your only chance is to proceed to Mount Doom, which is located right smack dab in the centre of Mordor, the land of Sauron. You will volunteer for this mission. Since the mission will rely on stealth more than brute strength, Elrond will decide that a small group shall be sent with you. Gandalf will lead the group; Aragorn and Boromir go on behalf of Men; Gimli, son of Gloin, for the Dwarves; Legolas for the Elves; and Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin for the hobbits. Before you leave, Bilbo will give you his Elvish sword, Sting, and a chain mail shirt made of mithril silver, a very tough, beautiful, and durable metal. You will depart from Rivendell, where you shall be prevented from passing over the Misty Mountains, due to the malice of Caradhras, and be pursued by wargs. Gandalf will have no option but to lead you to the gate of Moria. An ancient underground dwarven kingdom, Moria has now fallen into evil. You will encounter a demonic creature of fire and shadow called a Balrog. Gandalf will attempt to hold the monster at bay whilst you flee, and he will fall into a chasm, dragging the Balrog down with him. You will now be led by Aragorn, escape from Moria and make your way to Lothlarien, an Elvish kingdom ruled by the Lady Galadriel and her consort, Celeborn. The Elves will give you shelter and supplies. Galadriel will show you and Sam her magic mirror, in which you shall see strange visions. Just before the Fellowship departs, Galadriel will bestow gifts upon you. Among these are Elvish cloaks that provide almost supernatural camouflage. To you, she shall bestow a glass phial in which a glimmer of the light of the Silmarils has been captures. To Sam, she will give a box of dirt. You will travel downriver by boat, where you shall learn that you are being followed by Gollum. Finally, you will arrive at the Falls of Rauros, where you must decide either to go directly east to Mordor, or west to Gondor first. You shall realise that it is you duty to go to Mordor, but you will be fearful the welfare of your companions. As you ponder your course of action, you will be approached by Boromir, who shall urge you to go to Minas Tirith, the capital city of Gondor. When you attempt to explain to Boromir that he cannot, he will fall into a rage and attack you, forcing you to escape from him, and depart for Mordor alone. Boromir will regain his senses and inform the rest of the Fellowship that you have disappeared. Everyone will scatter in confusion, except Aragorn, who alone keeps his head. He shall order Boromir to follow Merry and Pippin to keep them safe, then head off to find you. Sam alone will ascertain your intentions, and intercept you just you are casting off to cross the river. You will try and persuade Sam to stay behind, but he insist on going with you to Mordor. Aragorn will follow your trail, but will be too late to catch you. As you and Sam try to escape the treacherous hills on the east side of the river, you will encounter Gollum. You will succeed in taming him, and force him to guide you to the gate of Mordor. After a harrowing passage of the Dead Marshes, you shall reach the entrance to Mordor. However, the gate will be closed tight and swarming with orcs. Gollum will claim that he knows of a less-guarded entrance to Mordor in the mountain passes to the south, and will offer to take you there. As you continue on your way, Sam shall become increasingly aware of a conflict between the two different parts of Gollum's personality. The "Smeagol" half shall seem genuinely reformed, but the "Gollum" half will be just as treacherous as ever. While passing through Ithilien, a forestland on the borders of Mordor, you and Sam will be captured by the Rangers of Ithilien, led by Faramir, Boromir's younger brother. When the Rangers capture Gollum, you must bargain for his release. With Faramir's blessing, you will make you way to the vicinity of Minas Morgul, the city of the Nazgul, the second of the Two Towers. As you pass by, you will see a great host issue forth from the black city and head towards Gondor. Gollum's path will lead you far up into the mountains. You shall come to the entrance of a dark tunnel, which Gollum enters. You and Sam shall muster up your courage and pass within, and will quickly discover that the passage is a black maze and that your guide has deserted you. By using Galadriel's phial and Sting, you and Sam will escape from the maze, but will be attacked by Shelob, a giant spider. Sam will rush to your aid, but will be ambushed by Gollum. By the time Sam extricates himself from Gollum's grasp, you will have been poisoned. Sam will take Sting and drive the spider away, but the damage will have been done, and you will be dead. Then, and only then, will your mobile phone contract with Talk Talk be broken. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." *********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, “Yesterday." *********** I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. *********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. " |
