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Buell Forum » Quick Board » The "All New" NOT rude joke thread. » Archive 2012 - 2017 » Archive through February 06, 2013 « Previous Next »

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Kenm123t
Posted on Wednesday, December 12, 2012 - 07:37 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Timmy is really Froggy ? SIFO how did you find out ?
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Sifo
Posted on Thursday, December 13, 2012 - 02:32 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

I think we know what Timmy is getting this year...

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Alfau
Posted on Thursday, December 13, 2012 - 03:30 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
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Sifo
Posted on Sunday, December 16, 2012 - 09:46 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
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1313
Posted on Monday, December 17, 2012 - 12:26 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Engineers on a train

Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.

The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.

As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket!
After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.

One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."


Light bulb joke

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That’s a hardware issue.


Car calamity

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says, "It’s probably a mechanical problem. I'll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it."

The electrical engineer says, "No, I'll bet it's an electrical problem. I have my multimeter with me and I'll go check it out."

Finally, the software engineer says, "I have the solution! Let's all get out of the car and then get back in. I'll bet we'll be back on the road in no time."

It's a 3 for 1 deal,
1313
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Monday, December 17, 2012 - 03:49 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)



Oh I love that last one.
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Sunday, December 30, 2012 - 04:29 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Sunday, December 30, 2012 - 04:53 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

I saw a bloke in a Tractor today shouting
"It's the end of the World"

I think it's Farmer Geddon.

_______________________________________________

20 THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

__________________________________________________ ___

I'm helping out my neighbours this afternoon by installing hidden security cameras in every room-


I just hope I can finish before they get home...

__________________________________________________ __

The Nun is having a bath
Knock Knock on the door
" who is it" asks the Nun
" it's the blind man", comes the reply
" OHh...all right then, come in"
" Nice tits" he says " where do you want the blinds"


________________________________________________

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'



I thought, "That's just spam."
__________________________________________________ ___

I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.


Although what the daft bastard wants with an ex box I'll never know.
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Griffmeister
Posted on Wednesday, January 02, 2013 - 11:01 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

I asked my son what he wanted for Christmas. He said "I wanna watch". So I let him.
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Crusty
Posted on Tuesday, January 15, 2013 - 05:52 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE



As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!



1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish or plankton, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.





SOME SENIOR THOUGHTS



God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.



Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:



1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE.
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Jramsey
Posted on Wednesday, January 16, 2013 - 08:51 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.

Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.
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Sifo
Posted on Friday, January 18, 2013 - 11:57 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Little Larry



Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

- - - - - - - - -

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

- - - - - - - - -

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

- - - - - - - - -

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

- - - - - - - - -

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

- - - - - - - - -

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Wednesday, January 23, 2013 - 03:55 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
With blood pouring from them..
"B*ll*KS to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"
________________________________________________

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
Drug for depressed lesbians; it's called Trydixagain.
________________________________________________

We are here on earth to do good unto others.
What the others are here for, I have no idea
________________________________________________

My wife said she'd like something nice from 'The Bodyshop' for her birthday..

So, I got her a nearside front wing for a '96 Range Rover!
________________________________________________

I was sitting with my feet on the settee, flicking through the tv channels..

Golf
Porn
Golf
Porn
Golf
Porn
Golf


My wife came in, said "Leave it on the Porn .. you can play Golf!"

Ouch!
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Sifo
Posted on Thursday, January 24, 2013 - 11:54 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"
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Sparky
Posted on Friday, January 25, 2013 - 04:10 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Not fair to make judgement of this, until you see what the Fire Chief says!!!!



In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.




A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor.
They died.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor.
They, too, all perished.

Six LA, Hispanic, gang bangers & ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor.
They, too, died.

A white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.





Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!!

They flew into LA and met with the fire chief.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?





The Fire Chief said, "They were at work."
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Crusty
Posted on Tuesday, January 29, 2013 - 10:33 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A gambler was at the horse races playing the ponies, and all but losing his shirt. He saw a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.


Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

Our boy made a beeline for a betting window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The gambler was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race, and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner, and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses, and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded with sympathy.

“Son,” he said, “that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”
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Sifo
Posted on Tuesday, January 29, 2013 - 02:43 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!





The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.





I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.





My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.






I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.





After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “ it!, Soldier on!”






I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.





Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.






The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"






My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"






A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”

“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."






A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.






I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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Crusty
Posted on Tuesday, January 29, 2013 - 09:48 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER



I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.



Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."



"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."



"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"



"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
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Crusty
Posted on Tuesday, January 29, 2013 - 09:54 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?”



Johnny: “Seven, Sir.”



Teacher: “No, listen carefully . . . If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?”



Johnny: “Seven, Sir.”



Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?”



Johnny: “Six.”



Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”



Johnny: “Seven!!! SIR!”



A very angry Teacher: “Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?”



A very angry Johnny: “Because . . . I 've already got one ' cat!!!”
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Crusty
Posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2013 - 06:16 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

SEX AT 79



I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing

me that I can have sex at 79.



I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.



So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.



And it's the same side of the street.



I don't even have to cross the road!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Answering machine message,



"I am not available right now,



but thank you for caring enough to call.



I am making some changes in my life.



Please leave a message after the beep.



If I do not return your call,



you are one of the changes."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Aspire to inspire before you expire.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



My wife and I had words,but I didn't get to use mine.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Frustration is trying to find your glasses without

your glasses.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Blessed are those who can give without remembering



and take without forgetting.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



The irony of life is that,



by the time you're old enough to know your way around,



you're not going anywhere.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



God made man before woman so as to give him time



to think of an answer for her first question.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I was always taught to respect my elders,



but it keeps getting harder to find one.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Every morning is the dawn of a new error.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:



"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of

control,mud slides, flooding,



severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from

one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist

attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the



Pledge of Allegiance?"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Some thoughts for the new year…



Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.



Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



Number 6

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.



Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.



Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.



Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.



And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2013 - 01:10 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Lying in bed with my wife last night, she turned & asked me what I'd most like to do to her body...?
Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer...
________________________________________________________

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
________________________________________________________

I knocked on my neighbours door today.

"You need to tell your daughter to keep the noise down."

"Wrong house, mate," he replied. "She's not in."

"I know," I said. "She's in my house shagging my son."
_______________________________________________________

Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Damn, there's a bloke here who was a 152!"

Paddy asks, "What was his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles from London."
_______________________________________________________

Drunk Paddy walks into the pub soaking wet,
The barman asks" what've you been up to?"
Paddy replies "The river dance"
_______________________________________________________

Joe and Peter are downing a beer at the bar, exchanging small talk.

Joe says:

- I hate my job... Delivering pizza, it's absolutely horrible: the whole day I can see them, I can smell them, hot and juicy, I can even touch them... But I can't eat them!

Peter sighs deeply, and says:

- You're damn right... It's an absolute nightmare, I don't know how many times I've thought about quitting myself.

- You're in the pizza delivery business too?

- No, I'm a gynecologist...
______________________________________________________

An American Airlines plane leaves Miami Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all f.kin same....
________________________________________________________

Bahrain Grand prix.



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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2013 - 01:25 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now, 'Fifty Sheds of Grey', offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to Machine Mart.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"I can give you both unbelievable pain and immeasurable pleasure", she said, as she put on a Justin Bieber CD and started rubbing my back.
__________________
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86129squids
Posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2013 - 02:26 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)



Dang! I'd been thinking the Joke thread had been getting a little rusty- thanks for all the good stuff today!

I owe you a couple or 3 beers someday, Grumps!
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Monday, February 04, 2013 - 07:49 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A woman goes to her gynecologist, & during the interview she says;

"You know doctor, my husband has developed a penchant for anal sex, I'm not sure whether it's a good idea. . ."

"Do you like it?"

"Oh my goodness! yes!"

"Do you find it painful?"

"No doctor I rather like it!"

"So Madam, there is no reason for you not to practice it ...
Provided, of course, that you protect yourself not to get pregnant!"

The woman replies surprised,
"What!? I can get pregnant by practicing anal sex?"

"Certainly Madam, how do you think socialists are born?"
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Sifo
Posted on Monday, February 04, 2013 - 02:27 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

HARLEY GUY

In January, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge, so they stopped.

Their leader George, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers past the State Trooper, and said to her, "What are you doing?"

She replied "I’m going to commit suicide."

While he didn’t want to appear "sensitive," neither did he want to miss a “be-a-legend” opportunity, either. So he asked … "Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?"

With no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … A long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After that, George quickly won approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Trooper. He said "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re about to waste, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl."

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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86129squids
Posted on Monday, February 04, 2013 - 04:33 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

I've got a nice local market where I buy the fancy soap we like here at the house, saw a little sign I'd not noticed before:

"Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy."

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Crusty
Posted on Tuesday, February 05, 2013 - 07:19 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, D@%$head? Drink your f%&#ing beer in your God damn frozen mug and eat your mother f*&@king snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f%$@king going anywhere! Got it, A&&hole?'

So he stayed home....................and, they lived happily ever after.
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Wednesday, February 06, 2013 - 10:21 am:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

So he stayed home....................and, they lived happily ever after.

Until he killed her, froze her body & put it though a wood chipper at a pig farm.

Now THAT'S a happy ending!
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U4euh
Posted on Wednesday, February 06, 2013 - 02:35 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Wow Grumps! something you wanna share!
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Mr_grumpy
Posted on Wednesday, February 06, 2013 - 03:39 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only) Ban Poster IP (Custodian/Admin only)

Sounded like my ex is all.
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