| Author | Message | ||
     Richardbiker |
Skinny Dipping > > An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He > had a large pond in the back. > > It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic > tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. > > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't > been there for a while, and look it over. > > He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. > As he neared the pond, he heard voices, shouting and laughing with glee. > > As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in > his pond. > > He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. > > One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' > > The old man frowned: 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim > naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' > > Holding the bucket up, he said: 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' > > Some old men can still think fast. | ||
| Richardbiker |
MONTANA DEPARTMENT OF EMPLOYMENT The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one. RANCHER: That would be me. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Not actually a joke but funny as ****. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zd7c5tQCs1I | ||
| Sifo |
A man is walking in the park with his 5 year old son when the see two dogs engaged in the act of making puppies. The son asked his dad, "Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" The father, trying to think on the fly about how to avoid the birds and bees discussion at this young age says, "Well son, the dog on top hurt his foot and the other dog is just trying to help him get home." The 5 year old replied, "Ain't that the way a goes. You try to do someone a favor and they turn around and screw you!" | ||
| Crusty |
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' | ||
| Aesquire |
Best Movie Synopsis, Ever! http://twitpic.com/b7f9za | ||
| Bandm |
My Ex-Wife, the Pilot.. My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year. Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was very lucky.  HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! | ||
| Crusty |
Hey! My ex pilots one of those, too! | ||
| Bolthead |
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.” ______________________________________________ A woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he says. ”I want a 2nd opinion”, she exclaimed. ”OK - you're bloody ugly as well” ______________________________________________ An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”. “ Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.” _______________________________________________ I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I said to him, “I wish I had your will power..” ______________________________________________ I had a Trivia competition won and in the bag until the very last question ... which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji . _______________________________________________ I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ...... I'm going to have that. ________________________________________________ I took my Biology exam last Friday.. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gyppos", were not the correct answers. _______________________________________________ I walked past an arab kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any change?” I said “No, you're still a rag-head”. ______________________________________________ Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. ________________________________________________ A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there." _______________________________________________ Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that! | ||
| Baybueller |
Thanks Grumps, I took the liberty of copying those for some friends. | ||
| Fahren |
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! | ||
| 86129squids |
 Well played, good chap! | ||
| Roderick |
I love roundabouts. Learned to love them during my 3 yrs there. Wish there are more of them in the US. | ||
| Sifo |
I love roundabouts. Learned to love them during my 3 yrs there. Wish there are more of them in the US. I agree, but they seem to freak people out in many places in the US. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl so's to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken." __________________ | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
My Son wants a Transformer for Christmas, Not bad as I can pick one up for about £30, but the little b'stards only 7, What the hell has he got that runs on 110v ? _____________________________________________ A Welsh Muslim was arrested yesterday for having sex with a sheep. He said it was is lamb and he could do what he wanted with it. ____________________________________________ "If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket. "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Disco," I replied. "Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said. "My point exactly." | ||
| Alfau |
A High School teacher reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ar$ed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter Sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand." | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Badgers are masters of disguise.  | ||
| Sifo |
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I 'd started & hadn 't finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. | ||
| Alfau |
A Male Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "NO !!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and chased skinny long-legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and Bundy Rum and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end | ||
| Cyclonedon |
Dam! That Fairy Tale just brought a tear to my eye. | ||
| Sifo |
A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America!" The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!" | ||
| Fahren |
The Lone Ranger's Last Request The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger...In honour of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days. Before we kill you, I grant you three requests. "What is your FIRST request?" The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away. Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed. You have a very fine and loyal horse, but we will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear. As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night. The following morning the Indian Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents, but we will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone." The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they were alone, the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME... "BRING POSSE " | ||
| Sifo |
A union captain walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union captain. The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The union captain asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place." | ||
| Sifo |
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| Bluzm2 |
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As they walked through the mall the wife was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. Quite upset because they had a lot to do before the Holiday, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife, choked up and with tears in her eyes, started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it." | ||
| Sifo |
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." | ||
| Sifo |
Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones * * Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.* Merry Christmas, Santa Claus * * Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones * * Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus * * Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone * * Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy * * Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything. Timmy * * Timmy, That’s what I thought you little bastard. Santa | ||
| Froggy |
Wow that Santa is a douche! |
