| Author | Message | ||
     Jramsey |
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed the telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1.. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. | ||
| Sifo |
A Mafia Godfather, Lione, finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is! The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Anthony's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies..... "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." | ||
| Crusty |
Dating in 1960 You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this... It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. "Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!" "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. ""The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. ""The damned dance is called the TWIST!"" | ||
| Crusty |
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even home yesterday." Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two." Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!" An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies. Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't fookin' breathe". An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat." Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.' 'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?' Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.' Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home. Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!' 'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked. 'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.' Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs? | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Bill Gates has moved into a brand spanking new house, the following is a conversation with the building contractor, overheard last week: Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?" Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use Stacker." Bill: "Stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way." Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures." Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you'll be back on track." Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we've had some delays..." | ||
| Aesquire |
PARKING TICKETS (and old people) Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes, and when we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. Contributed by Ernie Salgado Jr. | ||
| Sifo |
My apologies to the young folk who may not know this, but... "Move the cat and I will" | ||
| Bbbob |
Thanks Tom...I'm old enough know your reference... | ||
| Strokizator |
Tom, that reminds me of a joke. A guy is spending his first night in prison and someone in the cell block calls out "Number 17!". Everyone starts laughing. A few minutes later someone yells "Number 55!" and again the place goes hysterical. The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on and he replies "We've all been here so long that we know the jokes by heart so instead of retelling the whole joke we just assigned each one a number. It's a lot easier that way". Trying to fit in, the new guys asks if he can try and yells out "Number 82!". Nothing. Dead silence. So he asks the cellmate "What did I do wrong?" The mate replies "Nothing. Some guys just can't tell a joke." | ||
| Fahren |
Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Sifo! | ||
| Sifo |
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Shoot Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, Here I am. You guys want a beer? | ||
| 86129squids |
Thanks for that one, Sifo... here lately and for the forseeable future, I'm looking for any good laughter I can find. | ||
| Sifo |
Glad that helped you a bit. Sounds like life dealt you a raw deal lately. | ||
| 86129squids |
"Sounds like life dealt you a raw deal lately." Buddy, there are no words for it. However, not to stray too far from the purpose of this thread- I've always believed that the ancient Greeks had it right all along- those two masks they had represent what life is all about, you either have to laugh or cry to truly live right. I've always striven for the former, but there's no escaping or denying the latter. Laugh, cry, live and let live, that's what makes us human. Thanks again, and keep them coming- I usually forward the good/clean ones to my GF and sis. | ||
| Aesquire |
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2209644/ Me-girl-Fathers-adorable-photos-catalogue-daring-e xploits-toddler-daughter-little-help-Photoshop.htm l Not really a joke, but amusing. Reminds me of a time, long ago, when we found a discarded kiddie seat by the side of the road waiting to be picked up with other household trash. Inspired? by this we tie wrapped it to the front of my van, as though it was a seat for an adventuresome toddler. The Police were NOT amused. | ||
| Aesquire |
http://xkcd.com/610/ Belongs I'm thinking on a political thread? But which one? http://xkcd.com/1013/ Religious. Sorta. Don't forget to run your cursor over the 'toon for an additional joke. | ||
| Sifo |
I had a dog once... I had a dog once that the barn cat adopted and raised and he had the temperament of that damned cat too - every time I started petting him he'd growl. Took me a couple of years to figure out he wasn't growling, the motherf**ker was purring. We got along fine after that. I had a dog once that would hit a false point when we were hunting the fields around Castle AFB. I finally figured out she was pointing on the KC-135s taking off in the distance at the Air Base. I had a dog once that climbed trees. I can't tell you how many times I had to rescue it from the cottonwood out back. I never did understand what was so interesting up there. I had a dog once that loved to hunt so much he could understand when you spelled the word hunt out. We went through about 30 screen doors with that dog, blowing through them and jumping in the truck when he heard the word or even H-U...... he was gone. Same thing with picking up a gun. If a burglar ever broke into the house all he had to do was walk in with a gun and the f**king dog would be waiting for him in his truck. I had a dog once, a chihuahua/terrier mix, that was so f**king mean that after she died, nothing grew on her grave. I loved that fat li'l yella dog. Her name was Hillary because what else are you going to name a yellow haired bitch? I had a dog once that I never fed. He wouldn't eat dog food and I gave up trying. He lived entirely on what he could catch, squirrels and rabbits and such. Maybe the occasional cat. I had a dog once that refused to be fenced. The f**king dogcatcher would just drop him by the house instead of taking him to doggie jail after the first 2 or 3 times. I'd hear his horn honk and go out, collect my dog and give the dogcatcher a cold coke or something. I think his name was Dave. Cap liked him well enough, Dave would just pull over and whistle and Cap would come running. I had a dog once that would wait until somebody got behind us and then he'd take a sh*t in the bed of the truck, making the folks in the car behind us watch. | ||
| 86129squids |
 Sifo, my old Basenji actually did the last one... we were in a I40 traffic jam at the 40/75 split- he started the poop launch sequence in the passenger seat, I commanded him out the king cab window... HUGE dump ensued. Glad all that was left in the wind until I could get to Nashville and get the garden hose. | ||
| Aesquire |
Had to post this. It may not be a "joke", but I laughed my..... off. And the latest winner of the Nobel Peace Prize is ... the EU? Prevented Germans invading anyone for record period http://www.theregister.co.uk/2012/10/12/european_u nion_wins_the_2012_nobel_peace_prize/ | ||
| Kenm123t |
AE the Nazis are in Greece only difference is they didnt have to commute | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Yes I too thought it was as funny as f*** at first, but then I thought to my self, "I'm a European citizen, so therefore I must be a joint Nobel prize winner!" How cool is that!? _________________________________________________ A German tourist arrives at Athens airport & is taken aside for a passport check. The immigration officer asks him "Occupation?" He replies "Not this time, just a vacation." | ||
| Britchri10 |
IMHO: You deserve the award about as much as Obama deserved his! Do I qualify for it too? Chris c | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
This all of course brings us on to a very vexing question. Do the founding country's citizens get a bigger share than the more recent adherents? If so is it on a pro-rata basis? Do countries that have adopted the Euro get a bigger share than those that haven't? It's meaningless, I think by doing this the Nobel Prize has been seriously debased. Chris, if you're still a UK citizen I suppose you must be entitled too, but only a reduced share because you ran away to the colonies. | ||
| Britchri10 |
I've never been a Citizen of the UK. However, I am still a subject of the Crown. (ROFLMAO) As for running away, I just consider myself on an extended holiday... As this is the case (& as you, too live "abroad".) Am I not entitled to the same share as you? It's all semantics &, frankly, it's all bollocks but I need to know where I stand in this day and age. Help a brother out... Chris C | ||
| Sifo |
Does anyone else see any irony in having a "serious" discussion about the Nobel Peace Prize on the joke thread? Yes it has already been seriously debased. Good one guys!  | ||
| Britchri10 |
Personally, I have no problem with this discussion. Really, WTH is a "peace" prize anyway? IMHO it's just another social construct that has no real bearing on my life or how I choose live it. Nobel Peace Prize? He is/was one of the most successful arms manufacturer ever! If I consider this for more than 30 seconds I realize that it really doesn't relate to me on so many levels. Still, each to there own. Chris C | ||
| Alfau |
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?" | ||
| Bandm |
Three little ducks go into a Bar....... 'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked. 'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?' The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?' 'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.' | ||
| 86129squids |
Somehow that joke makes sense, given duck mating behavior... Seen it meself. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
It's enough to drive you quackers! |
