| Author | Message | ||
     Crusty |
A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?" The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun." "And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man. "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father. The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet? His father replied, "These are 'babouches,' which keep us from burning our feet in the desert." "Tell me," added the boy. "Yes, my son?" "Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this shit?" | ||
| Bluzm2 |
The Three kick rule !!! A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fella.... Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck." When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear. When you're intelligent, you know which half !!!. | ||
| 86129squids |
OK, just ran across this, had to share: http://www.freepatentsonline.com/crazy.html  | ||
| Sifo |
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie | ||
| 86129squids |
THAT was a great one, Sifo! Made my day... Watching my tomatoes winding down this year, and having been able to put up the most jars of sauces and salsas ever- I can really appreciate that one. Thanks! | ||
| Strokizator |
Alright Squids, how about you sharing your favorite salsa recipe with the rest of us. I've got a bunch of 'maters looking for something to do. | ||
| Sifo |
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!" | ||
| 86129squids |
OK: Gotta get a bunch of jalapenos, home grown preferably, plus banana peppers, assorted bell peppers, a liberal  amount of onion, same with the garlic, FRESH cilantro, a dash of oregano or rosemary if ya wanna , fresh squeezed lime juice, and the tomatoes. Salt JUST as needed. The whole thing depends on the total volume of tomatoes you have. You'll have to blanch them about 10 minutes in boiling water, then peel the skins- some folks like to strain the seeds, but itdonmatter- return the blanched tomatoes to the stovepot, and reduce the water down for the better part of an hour. To give you an idea, we've done batches of a little more than a gallon (4 quarts or 8 pints) at at time after reducing the tomatoes. This is actual canning with mason jars. The end result is still just a little watery, but that's OK. Not a precise recipe, a lot is by instinct, and by my Dominican honey's good judgement- "YMMV". Feel free to PM me for more info. I did NOT mention cayennne, habanero, Thai, or ghost chilis for obvious reasons. | ||
| 86129squids |
BTW- The "joke" could be as simple as adding 1 or 3 little Thai peppers, and calling this recipe "Russian Roulette Salsa". | ||
| Crusty |
Why Wives Shouldn't Go Deer Hunting It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas. Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!" Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air. The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
When my girlfriend says I'm acting like a child, I kiss her and gently whisper, "Yeah? Well, then you're acting like a paedophile." ______________________________________________ The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events. ______________________________________________ Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect. P N E S I People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my e-mail friends... | ||
| Sifo |
CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!' | ||
| 86129squids |
Hahaha- "proctologist" would work there too! | ||
| Crusty |
From the American Association Of Retired People Questions and Answers from AARP Forum Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore, under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ....." Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year oldhusband? A: Tell him you're pregnant Q: How can you avoid that terribl curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses. Q: Seriously!What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on myface? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out. Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valet don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memorystorage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, butusually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 60-plus year oldslook for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "Gosh, I remember these! | ||
| Crusty |
We laugh -- but her I. D. is safe. During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that a blond employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto". When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital." | ||
| Sifo |
How do you kill a Circus Clown? You go for the Juggler!  | ||
| Alfau |
The Girl Lodger A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!" | ||
| B00stzx3 |
How long does it take Chuck Norris to screw in a light bulb? Trick question, because Charles Bronson already killed him. | ||
| Sifo |
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| Jramsey |
BAPTIST SHAMPOO While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.' Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me!' | ||
| Pkforbes87 |
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy someone else’s product instead. Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution —on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using some high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighing less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done. A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report. It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren'’t picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good. Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before it, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin. “Oh, that —one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”, says one of the workers. | ||
| Gunut75 |
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| Pkforbes87 |
Step 1: insert finger into ear Step 2: scratch Sounds like Pacman. | ||
| Jramsey |
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." | ||
| Sifo |
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!" "Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry. "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like MOST Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there." So they did and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The bartender took a step back and said," Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" "Yes we are! said Nancy, And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. A few minutes later a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dogs tail and left shaking their heads. Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?" "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!" | ||
| Fahren |
So, none of the ranchers saw a dog with two *holes. ? | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Twelve athletes have been suspended in the build up to the Paralympics after testing positive for WD-40. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it! 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, With a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, Grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops Out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, The squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, And the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the fu**ing putt, didn't you? |
