| Author | Message | ||
     Moxnix |
 Yes. Yes to the problems some churches build for the world as they build themselves large. And yes, to Monotracers, too. | ||
| 86129squids |
I pray for the day I can get one of those MonoTracers! | ||
| Moxnix |
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"  Britten | ||
| Moxnix |
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."  Britten Aero D Series (Ducati power) | ||
| Blake |
Good one. | ||
| Moxnix |
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said. Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church. Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror. | ||
| Whistler |
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. peter says, "Here's how it works. You need a 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the goods things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in." "OK" the man says, "I attend church every Sunday" "That's good," says St. Peter, "that's worth two points." "Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church." "Well let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another two points. Did you do anything else?" "Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." "Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point," he says. "Hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart." "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" "THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!" "Come on in!" | ||
| Moxnix |
Amen. And Amen. | ||
| Moxnix |
I've been busy, in my own way, & failing to update this crypto online mission to make sure the unsaved know there is at least one Christian cynic (self-proclaimed) & unofficial "public nuisance" officer on Badweb, ready to insult pagans, athiests, free-thinkers, complete stinkers, chronic drinkers, pinkos, Dan Savage fans, mad mans, formers of plans, and our high anxiety hand-wringing garden variety intolerant friends who disparage those recovering pharisees following 6000 year old instructions from God. Anyway, here's a drive-by posting for your general amusement and their general abusement: A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!" "Why not?" asked his mother. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!" | ||
| Kyrocket |
I'm sure by now you've heard of the Skit Guys? If not they're well worth checking out, maybe they've come up on here before I can't recall. Anyway, one of my favorites of theirs is called The Innkeepers Dilemma, check it out on Youtube. | ||
| Moxnix |
This world is an awful big machine. ~Woody Guthrie, 1943 | ||
| Blake |
Though they appeal to emotion to achieve their aims, Marxists tend to imagine everything in cold mechanistic terms, all the better for justifying genocidal utopian policies. They're just adjusting/tuning the "machine", no soul, no G-d, just optimization of the machine. I dig the Skit Guys. (Message edited by blake on May 05, 2012) | ||
| Cityxslicker |
Marx said that the Church was the Opiate of the Masses to discredit it; he did not like the challenge and competition for power, wealth, and property. It is why the Communists further outlawed the Church. (unless needed for 'spiritual' support as they did during WWII against the Germans') In Soviet Russia There is no Church - unless Stalin said there could be. And now that it has been two decades since the wall has fallen ... Putin is on a drive to build 200 new churches in Moscow. | ||
| Moxnix |
Once, at a party in Poland in the late 80's, I asked a chap what percentage of the population was communist. He said, "Zero, we just have some opportunists who join the party for personal gain. Even they have their children baptized." Marx and many of the early Bolshies have been said to be members of the old Russo/European "Illuminati" secret society movement. Communism worked out as part of their attempt to take God away from the people. Ever noticed that traditional Southern Baptist churches denounce and exclude members of secret societies? The "white" Russian church is somewhere on Capital Hill in Seattle, the KGB controlled blue oniondome church was below I-5 near the S. end of Lake Union. | ||
| Cityxslicker |
We held dissident services at the UofW Russian House all the way through 95. then the Russian department sold the house to Graduate Student Housing - sad sad sad days. Glad I got to go there when it was still in affect. Immersion language learning is always the best. | ||
| Moxnix |
Whoa, it's Sunday, day of rest for we JC followers, but I'll offer a drive by blessing on those that get it and a road map for those reflecting on inner questions regarding the human dilemma. (Hint: it's in the Book). A busy few weeks of remodeling at one end of the Maison d' Sante; now at the other end, my sacred sanctum sanctorum, the divine section known as My Garage, filled with the flotsam and jetsam of many years collected and crowding me into a smaller and smaller work space until my entire kit will fit into a surplus phone booth where my aging can will have no where to rest. By the by, in the course of moving clutter from there to there, then over there, and now over here, I found another collection of pictures. When there's time, they will be scanned and those gems of time, those remembrances of things past, of places gone to and returned from, will work there way here in postings. While I was busy, while no one was looking, this thread changed itself into an available via for bringing someone, anyone to Jesus. Given that it's only available to, yet not necessarily going to do so, it's purpose will remain as before, an affront to those thems who are not in agreement with Big C Christianity and wouldn't open this thread under penalty of giving up pride, vanity, and whatever other deadly sins afflict the lost sheep. Like I state above, Christianity deals with, plus has all the answers for, the great hordes busy wringing hands and gnashing teeth over the human dilemma. We all have a choice between sizzle and steak. Sizzle being the arguing of one's inner rationalization with others who have no answer (but still enjoy hashing it out with them). Steak is steak, the product, the feast, the complete lack of arguing rather than living His concepts, the silencing of the sizzle of inner turmoil. Steak tastes better than sizzle, and feeds you no matter what is sizzling all around. Cheers, | ||
| Aesquire |
It seems that every faith claims to have the answers and path as an exclusive from the Creator. I believe ( and cannot prove, as questions of faith tend to be unprovable....ask a Jesuit ) that each faith may indeed have it's portions of Truth to teach us. I admit some of the deliberately created religions designed, on purpose, to be a con to control, rob and manipulate people, have only a cautionary tale to teach. The stolen phrases, cliche's meant to lessen the need to think of another, and utterly selfish attitude of, say, the Greenies and their desire to burn you in your home if you disagree with them, or the Red Chinese who rule by terror and oppression, mean you aren't going to get any real spiritual guidance from them. ( though having your house burned around you and your family may induce spontaneous prayer ) While Christianity has some wonderful features, 2000 years of schism mean that the message has been fractured by Men who wanted to gain power as well as Saints who wanted to help people. I have no intent at arguing what "true" Christianity is, but do suggest, respectfully, that other faiths may have a piece of the puzzle of life that may be of use to us. | ||
| Moxnix |
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." | ||
| 86129squids |
Mox- thanks for the good church funnies- I regularly forward them to my chaplain sis... You've managed to build and maintain one of the best BW threads in my opinion here... keep up the good work! | ||
| Moxnix |
Christianity doesn't have to be stiff-collared browbeating fire and brimstone. And if it is, I'll have a beach front lounge chair on the lake of fire in hades for my prankster ways. ----------------- I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off. | ||
| Geedee |
I like Elmo  Reminds me of the rescue ship that saved a Russian man from a deserted island. The ship captain asked the man why he had built TWO churches on an island with only one inhabitant. The man responded that the first is the church I go to; the second, the one I don't. | ||
| Moxnix |
Chocolate Chip Cookies As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand. "Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral." | ||
| Bluzm2 |
Moxnix, The last one was perfect! I'm sending that to our new pastor, the old one doesn't deserve it... | ||
| Moxnix |
This being a "religious" thread, perhaps it might occasionally contain something religious. http://www.olivetreeviews.org/news/headlines/item/ 952-seeker-friendly-or-sin-friendly?-may-10 Oh, better toss in a joke to keep it real.... But first, a pensive thought: If there is a God, why is there so much evil in the world? If there is NO God, why is there so much good in the world? (My thought- a Biblical world view excels on good versus evil). And a confession: I'm just one beggar telling another of my kind where to find bread. And finally-- Ole and Svend were out fishing one day in a rented boat. They simply couldn't find any fish at the first and second spots that they fished at, and it was getting late. So they thought that they would try one more spot to fish at, and sure enough they got lots of fish. They were so happy, that Ole told Svend to jump over the boat and mark the spot. that way they could remember where they fished next time.. So Svend dived over board and put a big X on the "bottom" of the boat. Afterwards Svend climbed back into the boat and told Ole what he had done. Ole said, "That is the dumbest thing I have every heard of, marking the bottom of a "rented boat" with an X. What if we don't get the same boat, next time?" | ||
| Moxnix |
Athiest secularism destroys something very essential about human life. A vacuum in the heart can be filled by only one thing. Today I'll be practicing gruffness AND kindness (of the gruffiest kind). After all, I can't force anyone to come to God, just make God available to them. They make the choice. If they have a vacuum in their heart, He can fill it. | ||
| Moxnix |
There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church. The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide. The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member." Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?" "Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church." "He did?" said the pastor. "Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years." ______________________ There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst -- a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," said the pastor, "Didn't you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after today's sermon, I suppose I'm just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting." (Message edited by moxnix on May 11, 2012) | ||
| Whistler |
Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. He wanted to see who Jesus was, but being a short man he could not, because of the crowd. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way. When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly. All the people saw this and began to mutter, "He has gone to be the guest of a 'sinner'". But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, "Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount." Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost." Luke 19:1-10 | ||
| Moxnix |
There's hope for us all, eh? Back in my lost seeker/chronic backslider days, wandering in my semi-catatonic state through communist or muslim countries while searching for the meaning of my life (and getting a paycheck), my habit was to send friends and family postcards to let them know I was still breathing. I'd mark them Proverbs 26:11, a verse easy to remember if one writes enough postcards. It's my hope that's no longer the message I express. | ||
| Fb1 |
 | ||
| Moxnix |
Hey, that's me old da' in Freemantle, Australia, during WW 2 submarine service, on of of his bikes. He made chief by the end of the war. There were Indian and Harley fenders in the rafters of my gandmother's garage when I were a wee lad. Thanks, Fb1, and a special prayer for Ma B. for tomorrow. |
