| Author | Message | ||
     Mr_grumpy |
OK due to boundaries being overstepped & limits being exceeded the rude joke thread is no more, & I can understand why. So here's the all new NOT rude joke thread for those funnies you want to share. But PLEASE keep it decent. Personally not much bothers me, but it's not my board so play by the rules or don't join in ok. __________________________________________________ ___________________ A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
A Muslim dies and by some error in handling ends up in heaven. He`s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St-Peter who says sorry, but we don`t allow Muslims into Heaven. What? replies the Muslim, and why not? Well, we just don`t!! The Muslim complains and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up. Well, says St-Peter--have you ever done anything good in your life? Ummm--the Muslim replies. Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten pounds. Last week I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten pounds too! Alrighty then says St-Peter--wait here and I'll have a quick word with God. Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim. Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me--- Here`s your 30 quid back, now bugger off!!! | ||
| Sarodude |
While on duty, a Mexican fireman pregnant wife goes into labor. They've decided ahead of time that the baby's name will be Theresa if female and Jose if male. By the time the fireman is done fighting his fire, many hours have passed. Tired, achey, and grimey, he stumbles into the room where is wife is - and she's holding twins! Twin boys. The Fireman asks his wife, "What are their names?" "Well, the first boy I named Jose as we decided. I haven't named the second one yet. What shall we call him?" The bewildered Fireman responds, "Hose B?" | ||
| Sarodude |
This is NOT a joke but it is funny... It is a story I heard 3rd hand. A Russian family was visiting a son who'd been living in LA for many years. After his parents got over their jet lag, the son asks, "So what would you like to see?" The parents decide they wanted to see the Grand Canyon. The well meaning son rented a car and made some serious time getting to the Grand Canyon. Upon arriving at their destination, they all stepped out of the car to take in the scenery. After looking about for a few seconds the mother asked, "Where are the faces?" Seriously, after the long drive, they just climbed back into the car and returned to LA. | ||
| Jramsey |
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No,"the boy said,"He works for Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but it is just too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids." | ||
| Sarodude |
A scientist is away from home at some sort of convention. He is walking by a bar when he decides to stop in for a drink. He walks in and sees a fairly typical bar - with one exception. The bartender is a robot. He walks up to the bar and the robot bartender asks, "Hello. What is your IQ?" The scientist is confused. "I just want a beer." The robotender starts dispensing a beer while continuing, "I am programmed to offer conversation appropriate to anyone's level of intelligence. So, what is your IQ?" The scientist responds, "192." The scientist & robotender the carry on a conversation about the flaws in Einstein's Theory of Relativity. The next day, the same scientist walks into the same bar. Robotender asks, "What is your IQ?" The scientist, curious, says "114." Robotender then responds, "Did you catch last night's 'Friends' rerun with the ugly naked man?" And the conversation continues. On his final day at the convention, the scientist stops by the bar to complete his experiment. Robotender: "What is your IQ?" Scientist: "73." Robotender: "So I see you voted to re-elect Dubya." | ||
| Whatever |
Umm... this is the CLEAN joke thread???    | ||
| Sarodude |
Guess I'm not sure what Rude or Not Rude is in this context. -Saro | ||
| Sifo |
Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense? | ||
| Sifo |
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave home without it. Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion or even an in-law because if something happens there is someone to go get help. I remember one time while hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta and out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and boy, was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. | ||
| Buellathebuzzer |
A joke? not really, but funny and rude none the less. Tragicrafting™. It’s an uncontrollable urge to make some sort of “tribute” merchandise, and put it in your Etsy store before the body gets cold. Oh, not to profit, of course, but to heal. or Tragitagging • (n) [traj-i-tag-ging] Slapping the name of a recently deceased celebrity on a completely unrelated item that’s been moldering in your Etsy store for months. Here's one person's rant on one way the US responds to celebrity tragedy. http://www.regretsy.com/2012/02/13/healing-through -tragicrafting-whitney-houston-edition/ | ||
| Slaughter |
 | ||
| Slaughter |
 | ||
| 86129squids |
Wow. Never underestimate the creative mind. Youn's are smarter than you look. | ||
| Crusty |
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.>But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does" | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Blake, I tried.  | ||
| Sifo |
 | ||
| Cyclonedon |
 good one Crusty!!! | ||
| Crusty |
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!" So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Pasquale. | ||
| Sifo |
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' - - - - - - - - - - - - Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?' - - - - - - - - - - - - The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' - - - - - - - - - - - - Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " - - - - - - - - - - - - Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....' | ||
| Whatever |
 | ||
| 86129squids |
Keep 'em coming- Crusty, I had to forward that one to the GF...  | ||
| Alfau |
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, with a sense of pride and satisfaction she goes to the kitchen to have a drink,As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi darling" he says" Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said Hello to them.. | ||
| Johnnylunchbox |
Paddy and Micky are at the job centre looking for work. They come across a sign that says "tree fellers wanted". Paddy says to Micky, "Ahhh, what a pity there's only the two of us!" | ||
| Johnnylunchbox |
Two goldfish are in their tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns. I'll drive!" | ||
| Sifo |
A Mormon Bishop calls two primary age boys to his office. The Bishop asked them: "Boys, please tell me where God is." The boys looked at each other but didn't answer the question. The Bishop asked a second time, "Boys, Please tell me where God is." The boys still did not answer the question, so the Bishop became stern and demanded, "Boys, please tell me where God is!" The boys were scared, and they ran out of the Bishop's office and past the primary teacher. The teacher said, "Boys, what's the matter?" The boys replied, "God's missing and the Bishop is blaming us!" | ||
| Doerman |
Steve... that's going too far! Now you are making fun of Astroturf! | ||
| Sifo |
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special." The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!" The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon." Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!" The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!" | ||
| Sifo |
Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished. Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain." The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative." Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there." Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency. Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening. Erwin Schroedinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Decartes left but at the same time did not leave. Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going. James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam. Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve. Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating. Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current. Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin." Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation. Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science. Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw. Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw. Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance. Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery. William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone. Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action. Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance. Nicola Tesla re-coiled at the sight. | ||
| Harleyelf |
And the reason the chicken crossed the mobius strip was to get to the same side. (It's a new classic even if it was on TV lately) Like the world's second oldest joke: Why did the duck cross the road? He was in love with the chicken (see previous joke). Why did the Texas chicken cross the road? To prove to the armadillo it could be done. (Message edited by harleyelf on February 18, 2012) |
