1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He's sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new "Bernie Bro" hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.
3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about "The Rona" on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on "The Rona". She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald's, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen's kids are currently faking "The Rona" to avoid her. I'm delivering "Hello Kitchen" to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I'm bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.
Here’s a man who cannot summon the word ‘width’. He sounds about as knowledgeable as just about any other democrat on any given subject. You should listen to their gun control arguments. It would be funny, if they weren’t trying to subvert the constitution.
Due to the current upset situation caused by the Corona Virus in the economy, the Democrats have decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Democrats to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Democrats deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Democrats .
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Democrats has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Democrat Congressman or woman , who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts by Democrats as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
A male crab met a female crab at a party. He knew it was love so he asked her to marry him. She had noticed that he walked straight and not sideways like all the others. Thinking he was definitely special, she agreed. The next day she sees him walking sideways and asked what happened. He says, Well I can’t drink like that every day.