Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read “You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks” Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: “1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your frikkin elbow won’t get better!
Midday, in the heat of a little town in the Old Wild West. A tall cowboy rides in on a big black horse. He wears a big black Stetson, silver spurs, carries two big black revolvers ------- the whole deal. He stops outside the saloon, swings down off his horse and hitches it to the rail. He then goes to the back of the mighty stallion, lifts its tail, plunges two fingers up its arse then draws them resolutely across his mouth. A boy sitting on the dusty sidewalk watches this and says; "Say, mister, why'd yuh do that there with thu horse?" "Well, son, ah got chapped lips." "Does that cure them?" asks the boy. "Nope, but it shore stops me lickin' 'em!"
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." "He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What’s your occupation?" "I'm a Lady of the night," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let’s try to rephrase that." "The woman says, "Ok, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again." "They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and have sex with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "he works for Nancy Pelosi, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, with the baby still not feeding and the woman repeating her threat once more, the anxious man suddenly blurts out, Come on kid. Make up your mind ,I was supposed to get off four stops ago.