| Author | Message | ||
     Mr_grumpy |
Rules for Dating my Daughter(s) Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your trousers ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Forth Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going, and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a mud hut in Kuwait. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. | ||
| Reducati |
that is fn hillarious! | ||
| Aesquire |
Did you know that the 3rd gen IR scope on my AR10 can see clearly through a fogged up car window at 200 yards? | ||
| Zane |
All ten rules seem completely reasonable to me... | ||
| Froggy |
What are the rules for dating your son(s)? | ||
| Xl1200r |
Put out. | ||
| Kenm123t |
Well Grumpy your girls are safe with Froggy! as for your Boys Welllll ?? we dont know lol  | ||
| Ratbuell |
...and people wonder why I'm less than thrilled to be back in the dating pool... Good stuff, though! | ||
| Kenm123t |
Rat just remember no matter how nice you think they are Some guy some where cant put up with her BS. | ||
| Kyrocket |
Just so you know, I'm stealing that. | ||
| Ft_bstrd |
Rat just remember no matter how nice you think they are Some guy some where cant put up with her BS. At least once a day, every day, even the finest woman takes a dump. Those that don't aren't getting enough fiber. | ||
| Doerman |
Well.. hmm... I wonder if you cleared these rules with the Madame.. Fathers intentions have a way of being somewhat foiled by the mother. | ||
| Kenm123t |
Doer you just rack the 12 and send a few down the drive when he shows up Lol Buddy kicked the ripped jeans long haired with some kind of infestation Boy friend off his porch and made a definate impression on him Kid left town lolol | ||
| Ourdee |
Mr_grumpy, Spot on! And why I'm glad I have all boys. Ratbuell, I hate to tell you, the best place to look is in church. Doerman, Madame in this house would have my back. | ||
| Firemanjim |
Hey Rat,it ain't bad once you jump in with both feet. After a bit it was quite fun!Met some nice ladies--esp the one I am with now. | ||
| Ourdee |
Joe, Some of the dating services aren't bad. Just be straight up honest with the service. Example: Do looks matter? Yes looks matter! ie. You aren't convincing them to let you date someone. Tell them what you want. If they don't do a lot of testing walk away. | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Joe, it's like fishing, sure you can go to the specialists who guarantee results, but where's the fun in that? Noisy places aren't much good to pick-up, how can you have sparkling witty conversation when you're both shouting? My Dad's best advice "If you can get them laughing you're halfway there." My advice "Being a good listener will usually take you the rest of the way." Keep baiting the hook & casting my friend. Be ready too, it can happen any time anywhere. Nearly 18 years ago I had to swap loads with another driver as his Dad was ill & he needed to get home. I ended up stuck out in NW France for the weekend. Sunday morning I go into town & drink coffee, read the paper, watch the world go by for a couple of hours. Then I wander off to see some of the town, a girl goes unsteadily by me on the rough sidewalk on roller skates, & loses it. I caught her before she hit the ground. She's now Mrs G. Be lucky mate. | ||
| Mtjm2 |
Grumpy ,To many rules . Been there done that and have the grandchildren as proof . It was funny . And F the Mrs. on this one . Rule #1) This is my daughter ,not your TOY . Rule#2)If you dont understand rule #1, we will go out to the summer kitchen wear you will pleasure your self until I say OK , now you can take her out . Rule#3)Refer back to rules 1and 2 . That being said , I also try and tell my sons the same thing .  Now Im 50 and single ? | ||
| Ratbuell |
Thanks for the kind words, guys. I'm still at the stage where I'm too "damaged" to mess with another yet. Putting the pieces back together, getting my act together, accepting that I no longer have a wife. That the person I was supposed to be able to count on no matter what...isn't around anymore. Once I stabilize and come to terms, though...oh, it's ON. But...not there yet. And, not gonna push it. I'd rather do it right, than rush into it. Got plenty of other (great!) things happening right now, and I'm just making sure I take the time to enjoy all of it. But I agree - when you aren't looking, someone just...appears, and knocks you for a loop. So...I'm making a point not to look  | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Sounds like you've got it sorted Joe.  | ||
| Kenm123t |
MTM run through down the street yelling im free free at last! My divorce was expensive very BUT IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY ! | ||
| Mr_grumpy |
Mine too. (though I didn't think so at the time) | ||
| Xb1125r |
i like rule number one, but i guess the guy has a package to deliver to her,lol | ||
| Strokizator |
A buddy of mine once told me "When you're at the plate and the pitcher makes his throw you have two choices - you can swing at it or let it go by. Me? I swing at every pitch." He dated some not-so-attractive women but he rarely went home alone. On the other hand, I never went to bed with an ugly women. I woke up with a few, though. |
