Truth. What is truth? How can we find The Truth? Is it right in front of peoples faces? Or is it found in the truth of lies? For me, it was in lies.
So, I'll start with an apology for being the biggest bullshitter on here. Yes, I did create other handles to get help. I was too much a pu*sy to ask for help so I did it at the cost of peoples trust.
I was never in the "in" crowd at school. Whether it be grade school, middle school, or high school. I was what people would call a stoner or a junkie. Back then, I didn't care, drugs were a way to escape the torment "normal" people gave me. You can't find friends with lies. Ones that mean anything to you anyways. I never had them. So I thought creating a couple more handles to get attention would help. It didn't. It did in a way because it exposed me which I grant as being the thing that helped me achieve actually getting help.
We all want. We all give to get what we want.
I wanted help, but I gave truth and trust to get help. You can't look for help through lies and deceit. You won't find it, I didn't. All I found was myself looking at myself in a shameful manner. How pathetic I was to lie to people to seek support. How coniving I was at deceiving helpless people. Now, I try to correct my wrong doing. I'm not asking for peoples sympathies because I feel sorry for myself. Sorry that I have to lie, sorry that I am the way I am, sorry that life isn't all fun and games, sorry that I'm so spineless. Sorry that I have to f*ck around the only people I have anything in common with. Which is why I'm going away for a little while. There's a nice little place in the mountains of Colorado that specializes in heroin rehab, so at least there will be a few people who may connect with what I've gone/going through. Just a couple months, maybe this can fix me, maybe I can be normal again. Maybe I will be able to gain peoples trust, after what I've pulled on here, I am not expecting any of you to have any positive thoughts about me whatsoever. Nor do I expect any of you to trust me ever again, people don't trust addicts.
Don't worry though for now I've gone, I've gone beyond, to seek the truth. When you know when your time is closer, you'll begin to understand life down here is just a strange illusion.
God Bless You and Good Luck. We ALL have Our demons, and some are greater than others. Heroin is a mother from what I've been told and a never ending Master. There are many bondages on Earth that seek to keep us down. Alcohol,depression and self pity are mine.
One Day at a Time is all that any of us can do. We are ALL behind You, and wish You well. Don't give up on us, as We have not given up on You. Stay in touch with Badweb.
I'm not helpless. And you didn't deceive me for long. I was on to you, and I told you so. You're not that smart...
...so at least there will be a few people who may connect with what I've gone/going through.
How can you be sure that those people aren't here on BadWeB?
Other than these illusions that you confuse yourself with, apology accepted. In fact, you don't have to apologize to me for anything here.
Just get some help. Get out of your toxic environment. Your rehab thread was really great, and helped others besides yourself. I will not however, be contacting you personally--only here in public. That is all you really lost.
Really, I wasn't all that surprised. Maybe a little dissapointed, but not surprised. Not one bit even.
I have been dealing with the recovering addict community for twenty years. But why don't you just start a new profile with your real name, your real location and whatever else you want to add... whether you live in Kansas, Alaska or Timbuttf**ktu. That would be a good start.
I hope you get the help you need. I know I would be dead today if I didn't. So, really, I hope for you all the best. Also, know that compulsive lying is part of the illness, too.
And I'm not dragging people into this. I just wanted to apologize for being a shit head. For being pathetic. To get the truth out there. I'm flying out tomorrow, I just didn't want to go to this rehab place and try to get better with the thought that I f*cked people over. Now my mind is clearer, I can go to this place with a clear head, that's the one thing the interventionist said to do before going: To make amends with the things I've done wrong. To try to make myself a better person before going off to a place for a while. So for those who still think I'm a dick, be glad cause I won't be on here for a while. For those who think I'm not a dick, just try to tell yourselves I can do this. I can be the real person inside of me, The Real Me.
For the guy who was looking for an acoustic guitar, the offer still stands.
And since I won't be on here for a bit, Mr. Grumpy, here's a couple 'Obscure Musical Tracks'. The first is 'The Real Me' by The Who off of their Quadrophenia album. Need I explain the similarities between me and this song? Probably not, it's rather spot on.
This one's from the movie of Quadrophenia. A mod with 4 personalities, a drug problem, girl problems, etc... I suppose I could be that bad, glad I'm not quite exactly like that. Gotta love that SG Vespa with a hundred mirrors on it.
This one's always made me find strength in myself because Clapton kicked his habit. This ones from The Who's movie Tommy. Clapton agreed to play the part of The Hawker because a year earlier Pete Townshend had a concert to help Clapton kick his habit. In return Clapton played the preacher in Tommy. If you look closely, in one spot he has a real beard, in another it's fake. That's because he thought shaving his beard off would screw with the directors thus removing his part in the flick. It didn't work, they threw on a fake beard and called it good. I find strength in this because Claptons one of my fav guitarists, and he went through what I'm going through so I can relate to him in a sense.
Here's a couple more 'obscure' tracks.
This one's always good at perking me up. Neil wrote this album after his good friend and fellow Crazy Horse member Danny Whitten died from heroin.
There, that's it. I'm getting to emotional over this shit. I've cleared my head, atoned my wrongs, my head is clear, I can do this.
I wish you success Phil. You can do it. It is probably the most difficult challenges you are likely to face. You can do it. One day at a time. You can beat it. You can defeat it. The satisfaction of beating such a demon will be satisfying if you go into it knowing how tough the challenge really is.
if you go into it knowing how tough the challenge really is.
As hard as it is, detox and rehab are the EASY part. You can't score when you're inside the facility. Once you leave the place, you're right back into the real world, with that demon tempting you 24-7. I wish you well. Stay away from the old haunts, and the people you used to get high with. Even if they're "clean" now. Most of all, BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. A little leads to a lot. You know what I mean. It's how you ended up here in the first place. It aint easy, but you can do it if you're not a p**sy about it. Life is hard, you need to HTFU to succeed.
