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Posted on Saturday, January 09, 2010 - 08:10 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."

"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk.

A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk.

"I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."
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Posted on Saturday, January 09, 2010 - 10:19 pm:   Edit Post Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Move Post (Custodian/Admin Only)

I'll add this list. Number 2 is actually related.

Top 10: Darwin Awards

10. Taming the Beast

It was reported that in Australia in 1989 a Kung-Fu student tried to take on a lion at the Melbourne zoo in one on one, man to cat combat. As the confirmed, though highly unbelievable story goes, during his martial arts class the instructor commented on how well the class was doing and how they were “ready to take on wild animals.” How this could be taken literally is still a question for debate. However one young gentleman decided to try his hand at lion fighting. The irony that his hands were the only things left when the lions were finished with him should be noted.

9. Drowning at Home

You are locked out of your house so the normal thing to do wouldn’t be to check you front pockets for the keys. Oh no, you should climb through the kitchen window. If you happen to be too large for the window, flail around until the hot water is turned on. Now, if the sink is filling up with hot water and your head is actually in the sink, apparently, the thing to do is not to pull the plug or turn off the water, the proper course of action is give up and drown. Apparently that’s how they did it on 26 May 2004 in Wolfsberg, Austria. This works fine for the gene pool.

8. Lava Lamp Looney

In 2004 in Washington State, US a man named Philip was settling in to enjoy his brand new lava lamp. I’ll bet you think you know where this is going, but trust me, I doubt it.

While waiting for the lamp to heat up, our Philip became impatient. Paying little heed to the laws of physics, our Darwin Einstein put the glass part of the lamp onto a stove top to heat it faster. The result was no doubt spectacular, right up to the point where the lamp top exploded sending a large shard directly into our genius’ chest. At this point there was just one option open stumble into the bedroom and bleed out.

7. Flying High

In 1996 the good people of the Canadian town of Chilliwack were awakened by a low flying, civilian aircraft. The plane, flying rather erratically was piloted by two locals known for their drunken exploits. Alcohol will make a small man think he’s large and bring about more self esteem than what is warranted in most that drink it, these guys take the cake.

Having gone on an all night bender and apparently fearing to drive home drunk, these two wizards stole a small single engine plane and took it for a joyride. They nearly made it back down too. Unfortunately their tail clipped some power lines and they did their best lawn dart impression and thankfully, died.

6. BZZZZzzt

Belize 2006: 26 year old Kennon was attempting to replicate Ben Franklin’s famous kite flying experiment. Presumably, this was an attempt to prove or disprove Franklin’s findings. What young Kennon should have done was not used copper wire as a kite string. The kite sailed high and the string just barely touched a high voltage power line that sent 3 b-izzzzzzzzzzzzzz(heh get it?)illion watts into the young man killing him instantly. Here’s some irony, he was unable to go to his electrician’s job the next day on account of being dead.

5. Heated Debate

In 2005 young master Nguyen found an unexploded and rusted detonator laying around and decided it was neat enough to bring to home for show and tell. After a night of drinking in Hanoi he pulled out his prize collection and explained how safe it was. An argument between Nguyen and his friends resulted in the young man losing his head- well, most of it.

The 21 year old had someone plug both of the dangling wires into a 220 watt light socket which ignited the detonator that was in his mouth sending one half of his jaw east and the other west. This not only left his friends to grieve their loss, but immediately negated any bets Nguyen might have placed on the detonator being unable to work.

4. Cheapskate Removed from Gene Pool

In 2002 while trying to save money on fireworks a man came up with what he thought was a frugal solution. Having a hand grenade laying around, much like many of us do, the gentleman decided to use the explosive material inside the grenade to manufacture some homemade bottle rockets and Roman candles.

Lacking so much as a screwdriver apparently, the man when for the next most delicate tool: a chainsaw. The results were obvious. Had the man waited until nightfall to attempt to open a hand grenade with a chainsaw, the need for fireworks could have been filled.

3. What are they teaching our kids?

In 2008 while driving home from (and the irony doesn’t escape me) a memorial service, a Bulgarian biology teacher and the two people riding in her car suddenly and inexplicably stopped in the road and leapt from the vehicle.

Apparently the teacher has some potentially noxious chemicals in her car and lacking a chemical sink and any semblance of good sense, began pouring them down the drain in the manhole cover. The resulting chemical reaction was an explosion so powerful the manhole cover flew straight up and decapitated the teacher.

Quizzes were postponed until Tuesday.

2. Loving Someone to Death

South Carolina in 2007: a young couple was found on the side of the road naked and dead. Police were baffled as to how they died exactly until while searching a nearby building they found clothes on the slanted roof near where the bodies were found.

In a sexual act where “safe sex” should have meant pitons and a safety line, these two love birds found out quick they could not fly and plummeted to their death.

1. Know Your Game!

A nineteen year old man in Houston, Texas found out how to play Russian Roulette the hard way in 2000. Removing all but one bullet from his clip, the young man cocked the gun and proceeded to take the first turn.

It should have been explained to young Rashaad that semiautomatic pistols are not like revolvers in that if there is one bullet in the clip or more, it will fire. The result was what was expected. What’s still unknown is if his friends had this information or if Rashaad was so disliked they did not feel the need to share it with him. Either way, his opponent won.
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